Old and New Jokes

Im glad Im a woman, yes I am, yes I am I dont live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam I dont brag to my buddies about my erections I wont drive to Hell before I ask for directions I dont get wasted at parties and act like a clown and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!

I wont grab your hooters, I wont pinch your butt my belt buckles not hidden beneath my beer gut and I dont go around readjusting my crotch or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch I dont belch in public, I dont scratch my behind

Im a woman you see — Im just not that kind! Im glad Im a woman, Im so glad I could sing I dont have body hair like shag carpeting It doesnt grow from my ears or cover my back When I lean over you cant see 3 inches of crack

And whats on my head doesnt leave with my comb Ill never buy a toupee to cover my dome Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side

Im a woman, you know — Ive got far too much pride! And I honestly think its a privilege for me to have these two boobs and squat when I pee I dont live to play golf and shoot basketball I dont swagger and spit like a Neanderthal I wont tell you my wife just does not understand stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, Im glad Im a woman, a woman you see you can forget all about that old penis envy I dont long for male bonding, I dont cruise for chicks join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick Im a woman by chance and Im thankful its true Im so glad Im a woman and not a man like you!

Top 10 reasons computers must be male:

1. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

2. A better model is always just around the corner.

3. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.

4. It is always necessary to have a backup.

5. Theyll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.

6. Big power surges knock them out for the night.

7. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

8. The lights are on but nobodys home.

9. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.

10. Size does matter.

This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the
doctor tells him, I have good news and bad news, what would you like
to hear first?

Patient, Well, give me the bad news first.

Doctor, You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years
left.

Patient, Thats terrible! In two years, my life will be over! What
kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this?

Doctor, You also have Alzheimers. In about three months you are
going to forget everything I told you.

The shipwrecked mariner had spent several years on a deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him.

When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, The captain said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued.

Q: What do you call a smart blonde? A: A Golden Retriever.

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world up over?

Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?

Does killing time damage eternity?

Yo mama so fat she rolled over 4 quarters and it made a dollar!

DURING my freshman biology class at North High School in Springfield, Ohio, our teacher was lecturing on the conditions in which bacteria exist. Elaborating on the acidic environment where certain bacteria thrive, he suggested a simple experiment. I want you to drop a nail into a glass of Coke or Pepsi, and then observe the acidic reaction on the nail, he said. The girl sitting next to me raised her hand and asked in all seriousness, Do you mean a real nail, or a press-on?

— Contributed to Tales Out of School by Carolyn Stickney © 1996 The Readers Digest Association, Inc. All rights reserved.

Q: How many Capricorns does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None: Why should I bother? Its probably just going to burn out again tomorrow anyway.

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they should run the country.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but dont really understand the Washington Post. They do, however like the smog statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldnt mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didnt have to leave L.A. to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who arent too sure whos running the country, and dont really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who dont care whos running the country either, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who arent sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority, feministic atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as they are democrats.

10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.