Old and New Jokes

Jones was having difficulties in business. If I had as little as a thousand dollars in actual cash right now, this minute, he said to his wife sadly, it might make all the difference.If that is all, said Mrs. Jones, then all is well.She ran upstairs and came down with a large jar filled with bills.Ive kept this as a secret nest egg. You see, ever since we got married, I put a ten-dollar bill into the jar every time we made love. You can have it now. Theres almost three thousand dollars there.Jones looked at the jar with stupefaction. Finally he said, Oh, if only I had given you all of my business.

One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year olds, Ill give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived.

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, It was St.Patrick.

The teacher said, Sorry Sean, thats not correct.

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, It was St. Andrew.

The teacher replied, Im sorry, Hamish, thats not right either.

Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, It was Jesus Christ.

The teacher said, Thats absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and Ill give you the $2.

As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, You know Marvin, since youre Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ.

Marvin replied, Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business!

What do you call a man with no arms and legs in a pile of leaves?

Russell

Little Jimmy is at school and the teacher says your homework is to work out the difference between potential and reality.Jimmy goes home and has no idea ,so he asks his dad.His dad thinks about it and tells Jimmy to ask his mum if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid.He asks his mum and she saysdont tell your dad ,but yes i would for a million quid. Jimmy goes and tells his dad all this and his dad says Go and ask your little sister if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid he asks his sister and she says dont tell your dad but yes , i would for a million quid Jimmy goes and tells his dad this and his dad says There you go Jimmy , thats the difference between potential and reality.Potentially were sitting on two million quid, in reality were living with a couple of slags.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Italy!
Italy who?
Italy be a big job!

If you file it, youll know where it is but never need it. If you dont file it, youll need it but never know where it is.

The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them is a match.

There is black boy, Malcolm; a white boy, James; and a Mexican girl
Jaunita in a spelling bee at school.

To win the spelling bee the student must spell the word correctly and use
the word in a sentence.

Teacher: James, spell dictate.

James: d-e-c-t-a-t-e

Teacher: Sorry thats wrong.

Teacher: Juanita spell dictate.

Juanita: d-i-k-t-a-t-e

Teacher: Sorry thats wrong.

Teacher: Malcolm spell dictate.

Malcolm: d-i-c-t-a-t-e

Teacher: Correct Malcolm. Now use it in a sentence.

Malcolm: Juanita, how my dic tate las nite?

On the wall of a church was a sign:

If you are tired of sin, come to see us!

And right below it in nice rounded letters;

But if youre not, my phone number is 341 3451