Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first: Your Clothes
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy. 2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible. 3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes. The Babys Name
1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites. 2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you. 3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger points. Preparing for the Birth
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously. 2nd baby: You dont bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didnt do a thing. 3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month. The Layette
1st baby: You pre-wash your newborns clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the babys little bureau. 2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains. 3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, cant they? Worries
1st baby: At the first sign of distress – a whimper, a frown – you pick up the baby. 2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn. 3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing. Activities
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour. 2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics. 3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner. Going Out
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times. 2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached. 3rd baby:
Last name: ________________
(Check appropriate box)
First name: First name:
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician
Spouses Name: __________________________
2nd Spouses Name: __________________________
3rd Spouses Name: __________________________
Lovers Name: __________________________
2nd Lovers Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet
Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___
Mothers Name: _______________________
Fathers Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)
Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen
____ bedroom ____ bathroom
____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun
___ Number of times youve seen a UFO
___ Number of times youve seen Elvis
___ Number of times youve seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable
How many teeth? ___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] dont know
George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.
George W. approached the man and inquired, Arent you Moses?
The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling. George W. positioned himself more directly in the mans view and asked again, Arent you Moses?
The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George W. tugged at the mans sleeve and asked once again, Arent you Moses?
The man finally responded in an irritated voice, Yes I am.
George W. asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert.
Owed Two A Spell Chequer:
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
one day there was a jewish boy who failed in math.His parents decided to send him to all the great private schools but nothing worked.So his parents sent him to catholic school.All of a sudden his math grades improved to straight As.His parents asked him what inspired you to do so well in math.The boy replied:when i saw that guy nailed to a plus sign i knew they meant business.
ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION:
Youll be making under $6 an hour.
– – – – –
ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY:
Youre paid under $6 an hour; well be bankrupt in a year.
– – – – –
AN UP-AND-COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY:
Theres no chance in hell well be the next Microsoft.
– – – – –
PROFIT-SHARING PLAN:
Once its shared among the brass, you get whats left.
– – – – –
COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
– – – – –
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:
We have no time to train you. (and/or)
Please introduce yourself to your co-workers.
– – – – –
NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER:
Inc. Magazine mentioned us in an article a few years ago.
– – – – –
IMMEDIATE OPENING:
The person who had this job gave notice a month ago.
Were just now running the ad.
– – – – –
SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:
Were cant supply you with leads; (and/or)
theres no base salary to speak of; (and/or)
youll wait 30 days for your first commission check.
– – – – –
SELF-MOTIVATED:
Dont expect Management to answer questions
– – – – –
WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS:
After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $35 co-pay.
Pepito estaba en el colegio y como nadie venÃa a recogerlo, su profesora le dice: Si quieres vente para mi casa hasta mañana que vengan por ti, y Pepito dijo que si.
Cuando estaban en la casa y ya se iban a dormir, la profesora notó que Pepito estaba un poco triste y le preguntó que le pasaba, a lo que Pepito respondió:
Es que siempre antes de irme a acostar yo me acuesto con mi mamá y le meto me dedito en su ombliguito.
Y la profesora no se le pudo resistir a la inocencia de Pepito y accede.
Pasado ya un buen rato, la profesora le dice con ternura: Pepito, Pepito, ese no es mi ombliguito.
Y Pepito, con una cara de pendejo, responde, Ya se señorita, y tampoco es mi dedito…
Estaba un hombre mayor dando de pastar a su rebaño de ovejas cuando, de repente, aparece por el inhóspito camino una 4×4 completamente equipada y nueva. Para frente al anciano y se baja un galán de no más de 30 años. Sobretodo negro, camisa blanca Hugo Boss y pantalón YSL; se acerca al viejo y lo reta:
Señor, ¿si yo le adivino cuántas ovejas tiene Ud. en su rebaño, me regala una?
El viejo responde con algo de asombro:
SÃ, me gustarÃa saber si adivina.
Entonces, el joven vuelve a su 4×4 y saca una Toshiba Tecra 8000 con 128 MB de RAM; se conecta a la Red de Redes; baja una base de datos de 300 MB y entra a una página de la NASA vÃa satélite. Después, identifica la zona exacta en donde está el rebaño; calcula el promedio histórico del tamaño de una oveja tipo Merino mediante una tabla dinámica de Excel y, con la ejecución de algunas macros personalizadas en Visual Basic, logra completar el diagrama de flujo del Microsoft Project. Luego de tres horas le responde al vetusto:
Usted tiene 1347 ovejas y 4 pueden estar embarazadas.
El viejo asintió, y le dijo que efectivamente asà era y que se llevara su oveja. El joven tomó una oveja y la cargó en la camioneta. Cuando se estaba por ir, el anciano lo detuvo y le preguntó:
Disculpe, pero si yo llegase a adivinar cuál es su profesión, ¿Ud. me devuelve mi oveja?
Seguro hombre, le responde sonriente el joven, mientras abrÃa la puerta de su 4×4 para marcharse.
Usted es consultor.
El joven, sorprendido completamente, comentó:
¡Exacto!
Y mientras le devolvÃa la oveja que habÃa tomado preguntó:
¿Cómo se dio cuenta?
Primero: Ud. vino sin que yo lo llamara. Segundo: me cobró una oveja por decirme algo que yo ya sé. Tercero: se nota que no conoce nada de mi negocio, porque se estaba llevando a mi perro…
A guy goes to buy a train ticket, and the girl selling tickets has an incredible set of jugs.
He says, Give me two pickets to Titsburgh…umm…I mean, two tickets to Pittsburgh. Hes really embarrassed…
The guy in line behind him says, Relax, pal. We all make Freudian slips like that.
Just the other day at the breakfast table I meant to say to my wife, Please pass the sugar, but I accidentally said…
You fucking bitch, you wrecked my life!
It was very good of God to let Carlyle and Mrs Carlyle marry one another and so make only two people miserable instead of four, besides being very amusing.