Old and New Jokes

Did you hear about the new Miss Ebonics pageant?

– It seems they only had 49 states. No one wanted to be Miss Idaho.

A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a
robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head — and realized that
hed forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

In days of old, this young sailor was about to sign up for a 6-month trip on a sailing ship. He asked the captain about sex life, since there would be no women on the ship.

Don ye worry about it, lad. Well make sure your needs are taken care of.

After about 2 weeks at sea, the lad had a bone that wouldnt go away, so he went to ask the captain how to take care of it.

Aye, lad, eres ya key. Go open up the door under the ladder. In there youll find a barrel, take the bung out of the hole and insert your manhood. I think youll find this arrangement satisfactory.

The lad went down, opened the door, removed the bung, inserted his prick and got his rocks off in record time. In fact, it was SO good he asked for the key the next five nights in a row.

On the sixth night, the captain said, Not tonight, laddie; its your turn in the barrel.

If you want to be Americas premier American Flatulator, youve got to have it… gas, that is. And if youre pumped up for the challenge, youll have to let yourself go in a series of hilarious, explosive events that are sure to clear the air – and maybe the room – about whos really full of it. The events include:

POWER BALLOON

American Flatulators and the challengers face off in a rip-roaring, cheek-to-cheek competition designed to separate the big boomers from the little bags of wind. The object behind POWER BALLOON is that each contestant must fill a heavy gauge balloon with his or her own natural gas until the durable plastic sack becomes too pooped and pops. Each contestant uses their own unique technique to fill er up. Winner takes all! No ifs, and or butts.

DONT PASS THE GAS

This contest demands real endurance. Opponents use giant Q-Tip like pugel sticks (as in Pee UUU) to try and knock the farts out of each other. The winner is the one who resists the pounding beyond the breaking point.

FREESTYLE

Anything goes in this zany event. From brassy, classical gas movements to windswept impressions with a celebrity flair, you name it, you get it in the Freestyle competition. And with its big point total, anyone can come from behind in the contest to become air to the throne.

SLIPPERY GAUNTLET

In this fast paced event, American Flatulators take aim at contestants with a toilet paper-filled bazooka while the contestants own natural gas powers them across a slick and slippery obstacle course. First one to break across the finish line wins.

Dont sweat the petty things, and dont pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

One nice thing about egotists: they dont talk about other people.

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

I doubt, therefore I might be.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

Women like silent, they think theyre listening.

Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Are you tired of all those mushy friendship poems that always sound good but never even come close to reality? Well, finally, here is a friendship poem that really speaks to true friendship and truth itself!

Friend,

When you are sad … I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
v
When you are blue … Ill try to dislodge whatever is that is choking you.

When you smile … Ill know you finally got laid.

When you are scared … I will rag you about it every chance I get.

When you are worried … I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.

When you are confused … I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.

When you are sick … stay the hell away from me until youre well again. I dont want whatever you have.

When you fall … I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath … I pledge til the end. Why you may ask? Because youre my friend!

REMEMBER: A friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body!!

Send this poem to ten of your closest friends and get depressed because you realize you only have 2 friends, and one of them is not speaking to you right now anyway.

Ive recently seen 2 bumper stickers that I just love. Theyve also been known to be true!

LIVE, FREEZE, AND DIE

New Hampshire

(takeoff on the Live Free or Die motto of NH) and

VERRRRMONT

Some Like it Cold

A man walks into a shul with a dog. The shammas comes up to him and says, Pardon me, this is a House of Worship, you cant bring your dog in here.

What do you mean, says the man, this is a Jewish dog. Look.

And the shammas looks carefully and sees that in the same way that a St. Bernard carries a brandy barrel round its neck this dog has a tallis bag round its neck.

Rover, says the man, daven!.

Woof! says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a kipa and puts it on his head.

Woof! says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a tallis and puts it round his neck.

Woof! says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a siddur and starts to daven.

Thats fantastic, says the shammas, absolutely amazing, incredible! You should take him to Hollywood, get him on television, get him in the movies, you could make a million dollars off of him!!

You speak to him, says the man, He wants to be a doctor.

…so the guy says, You wanna go in back? The girl replies, NO! So they make out some more and her blouse is unbuttoned, so the guy asks again, You wanna go in back? And again the girl says, NO! So they make out some more and by this time the guy has his hand down her pants, so again he asks, You wanna go in back? And again the girl says, NO! So the guy asks, Why not? And the girl says, I wanna stay up here with you.