Old and New Jokes

Q: How many statisticians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Walt Pirie to hold the bulb and one psychologist, one economist, one sociologist and one anthroplogist to pull away the ladder.

A preacher visiting his flock in the country happens to see a pig walking around on 3 legs. The preacher stopped by and asked the farmer. My son, whats with your pig with only 3 legs?
Well preacher says the farmer, this pig is very special to my family and me, well just 2 months ago, Im working underneath my tractor, the jack fell and the tractor was crushing me. I yelled and my pig rushed to my rescue, dug me out and pulled me away from the tractor.
Well thats very commentable says the preacher..but..
Thats not all preacher, last week my house caught fire and my pig pulled my 2 young daughters to safety. It even received a hero gold ribbon, from the village mayor.
I understand says the preacher, but that still doesnt explain the missing leg!
Well like I said preacher, this pig is very special to my family and well, we just cannot bring ourselves to eat it all at once.

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.



Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, Good morning, Maam. What are you doing?

Reading my book, she replies as she thinks to herself, Is this guy blind or what?

Youre in a restricted fishing area, he informs her.

But, Officer, Im not fishing. Cant you see that?

But you have all this equipment, Maam. Ill have to take you in and write you up.

If you do that, I will charge you with rape, snaps the irate woman.

I didnt even touch you, grouses the sheriff.

Yes, thats true … but you have all the equipment …



Moral: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read!

All eyes turned to stare as a gorgeous redhead walked into the costume party stark naked. The alarmed host rushed to intercept her.

Wheres your costume? he hissed through clenched teeth.



This is it, she calmly explained. I came as Adam.



Adam? her host exploded. You dont even have a dick!



I just got here, Jeremy, she replied. Give me a few minutes.

Q: Why did the dollar bill cross the river?



A: He wanted to switch banks.

Whats the difference between a computer and a woman?

A computer will accept a three-and-a-half-inch floppy.

There are 3 hunters in the woods, theyre all telling each other what theyre are going to shoot. The first one says hes going to get a buck. So he goes out and comes back with a buck. Then the other 2 hunters ask how he did it and he says, I see tracks I follow tracks I get buck. So the second hunter says "Im gonna get a doe." So he goes out and comes back with a doe. Then the 3rd hunter asks him how he did it. The 2nd hunter says, I see tracks I follow tracks I get doe. So the 3rd hunter says, Im just gonna shoot at anything I see. So he goes out and comes back half a day later all beaten bruised bloody and totally trashed. And the other two hunters ask what happened and he says, I see tracks I follow tracks, I get hit by train!

A man walks along a lonely beach.
Suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG !

He looks around: nobodys there. I am having hallucinations, he thinks.
Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG !

So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches,
he finds a small chest with a rusty lock.

The deep voice says: OPEN !

Ok, the man thinks, lets open the thing. He finds a rock with which to
destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of
gold coins.

The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO !

Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest
and walks to the casino.

The deep voice says: ROULETTE !

So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to
one of the tables, where the players gaze at him with disbelief.

The deep voice says: 27 !

He takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts.
Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball.

…..

The ball stays at the 26.

The deep voice says: SHIT !

Hans-Martin Mosner

[Ed: Reportedly told by German comedian Otto Walkes]

The Original Version

The Ant busts his rear in the withering heat all summer long,
building his house and laying up suplies for the winter. The Grasshopper
thinks hes a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come
winter the Ant is warm and well fed. The Grasshopper has no food or
shelter so dies out in the cold.

The New Liberal Version

It starts out the same but when winter comes, the shivering
Grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the Ant
should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and
starving. CBS, NBC and ABC show up and show pictures of the shivering
Grasshopper next to the Ant in his comfortable home with a table filled
with food. Americal is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be, in
a country of such wealth that this poor Grasshopper is allowed to suffer
so? Then a representative of the NAGB (The National Association of Green
Bugs) shows up on Night Line and charges the Ant with Green Bias and
makes the case that the Grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of
greenism. Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the Grasshopper and
everybody cries when he sings Its Not Easy Being Green.

Bill and Hillary Clinton make a special guest appearance on the CBS
Evening News and tell a concerned Dan Rather that they will do everything
they can for the grasshopper who has been denied the prosperity he
deserves by those who benefited unfairly during the summer, or as Bill
refers to it, the Termperatures of the 80s. Finally the EEOC drafts
the Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act RETRO-ACTIVE to the beginning
of the summer. The Ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate
number of green bugs, and, having nothing left to pay his Retro-Active
taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. The story ends as we
see the Grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the Ants food while
the government house hes in… (which just happens to be the Ants old
house)… crumbles around him since the Grasshopper doesnt know how to
maintain it. The Ant has disappeared in the snow. On the TV (which the
Grasshopper bought by selling most of the Ants food), Bill Clinton is
standing before a wildly applauding group of Democrats announcing that a
new era of Fairness has dawned in America.

A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!