Old and New Jokes

Indifference is the only sure defense.

Q: What do you call a smart blond?

A: A golden retriever!

You might be a redneck if…

You take a bath in a water trough.

Your mama keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

Yer richest kin folk buys a new house and you gotta help take the wheels off of it.

If your flyswatter gets more use than your toothbrush.

You have more appliances in your front yard than you do in your house.

If you use your front porch as a stand for deer hunting.

If you have two refigerators – one outside for the food and one inside for the beer.

You pull out the generator when the power goes out to watch a NASCAR race!

You remember phone numbers by writing them in the dust on your dash board.

George came home one day, very excited.

Do you know what they are saying? he asked his wife Jean, they say our janitor has slept with every woman in this building except for one!

Jean responded That must be that girl from number 32; no one likes her!

One Russian and one Polish workman were digging the foundations for a new road. After several hours of hard toil, the Polish guy hits his shovel on something hard in the ground.

Both men work hurriedly to dig the object out and discover that its a treasure chest. On opening it they find jewels, coins, gold etc. beyond their wildest dreams. Both are wild with happiness and dance around madly.

When they have calmed down, the Russian takes the Polish workmans hand and ernestly says Sir, we will share this just like Russian – Polish comrades should and the Polish guy says, Oh no, 50 – 50!

Really, Really, Really, Really Old Milwaukee
D-Train Scotch
Amaretto Di Gotti
Orville Redenbachers Butter-Flavored Vodka
McBourbon
Dinty Moores Pork N Booze
Ernest, Julio, Tom and Roseanne Gallo
Dr. Scholls Medicated Tequila
Seagrams 7, Mets 0
Chivas Regis

Q: What goes VAROOM Screech! VAROOM Screech! VAROOM Screech!?

A: A blond driving through a blinking red light. =;-{)

(No insinuations meant, as I myself am a blonde)

Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders.
Instead of an hourglass icon youd get an empty beer bottle.
Occasionally youd bring up a window that was covered with a Hefty bag.
Dialog boxes would give you the choice of Ahh-right or Naw.
Instead of Ta-Da!, the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos.
The Recycle Bin in Winders 95 would be an outhouse.
Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player youd hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling Freebird!
Instead of Start Me Up, the Winders 95 theme song would be Achy-Breaky Heart.
PowerPoint would be named ParPawnt.
Microsofts programming tools would be Vishul Basic and Vishul C++.
Winders 95 logo would incorporate Confederate Flag.
Microsoft Word would be just that: one word.
Instead of WWW servers, Microsoft would have KKK servers.
New Shutdown WAV: Yall come back now, heeah?
Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called Cuz.
Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am.
Microsoft Office replaced with Micrsawft Henhouse.
Four words: Daisy Dukes Screen Saver.
Well, the first thing you know, old Bills a billionaire…
Speadsheet software would include examples to inventory dead cars in your front yard.
Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor pull Simulator.
Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates.

Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.

Note: Supply-siders were the force behind Reagans early reforms, and their economic theories were just like those of Thatcher (only the Thatcherites were more extreme). They believed that if they shifted the focus of government economic policy to stimulating supply rather than demand, the business cycle would be stopped at an agreeable point and inflation would be permanently whipped. Obviously, it didnt quite work out that way.)