Old and New Jokes

This list was sent to me by Liz Oszelcuk, the Grad. Assistant of UC Berkeleys Slavic Department. Enjoy!

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
The lavatory is blocked, this is caused by the boys next door throwing their balls on the roof.
This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.
The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?
I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.
I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
Can you please tell me when our repairs are going to be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother.
I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers.
The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.
Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.
Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.
Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away.
I awoke this morning and found my water boiling.
Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.
I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.
When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wifes new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

You might be a Redneck if you dining room floor is spay-on truck bed liner.

© Lynn Duerksen May 2005

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.



If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering.



If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.



If they are waving their arms and talking out loud, send them to Consulting.



If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.



If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, Computer Information Systems is their niche.



If the room has a sweaty odor, perhaps theyre destined for the Help Desk.



If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs, put them into Purchasing.



If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests,

Public Relations would suit them well.



If they are sleeping, they are Management material.



If they are writing up the experience, send them to the Technical Documents team.



If they dont even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.



If they try to tell you its not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.

Why not modern Latin: VENI, VEDI, VISA – I came, I saw, I shopped.

If its true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.

Strange! No one ever says Its only a game, when their team is winning.

Isnt Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Q: How many field service engineers does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
A: 2. One to hold the bulb and one to pound it in (etc)

You might be a redneck if…

You keep a chainsaw in the trunk just in case.

Youve given your gun a womans name.

Baling wire and a pair of pliers are what you consider high tech tools.

You go to the post office to research your family tree.

You have to check your coke can before you take a drink just in case you have mistaken it for your spit can.

You have accidentally taken a drink from your spit can.

Your wife asks you what you want to be when you grow up.

You see a forest fire and think Bar-bee-Q.

Youve ever strained your tea through a flyswatter.

Your mother is hairier than your father.

Instead of flossing you use a plunger.

You take the back window out of your pickup because its easier to chuck the empty beer cans in the back that way.

When the back fills up with empty beer cans, you get another pickup and start all over again.

Your grandma can bench press a
truck axle.

You watch The Dukes Of Hazzard and have to find someone to explain it to you.

Your mom kisses you goodnight and you go to school the next day and say youve met your future wife.

When your wife walks in front of you it looks like two pigs fighting in a gunny sack.

Your only excuse for smelling bad is it runs in the family.

Your favorite fruit is chicken.

You think those yellow traffic signs that say Slow children at play means the kids in the area are not too bright.

At least one of the kitchen appliances on your front porch is more than forty years old.

Llega un tipo a una tienda de disfraces y pide el mejor disfraz. El dueño de la tienda le ofrece el disfraz de Batman.

¿Cuánto cuesta?

$3,800.

Al hombre se le hace caro y pregunta por algo más económico.

Tenemos el de Robin: $3,500., le ofrece el propietario del negocio.

¿No tiene algo más económico?

El dueño, algo desesperado, le cuestiona:

¿Cuánto dinero trae?

$50.

Cincuenta… Está bien, veamos, un disfraz de $50. Y le acerca una maraca al fulano.

¡¿Una maraca?!, exclama sorprendido el tipo. ¿De qué me puedo yo vestir con una maraca?

Es muy sencillo, se mete la maraca por el culo y ya está: es una víbora de cascabel.

Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.



If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.



If you are Co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.



If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.



If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.



If you are Delusional, press 7, your call will be transfered to the Mothership.



If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press.



If you are Manic Depressive, it doesnt matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.



If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696.



If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the Pound Button until a representative comes on the line.



If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mothers and grandmothers maiden names.



If you have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.



If you have Bi-Polar Disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.



If you have short-term memory loss, please try you call again later.



If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.

The son comes running up to his mom and says…Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours! The mom says…the bigger they are, the dumber they are.



So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says…Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddys! The mom says…the bigger they are, the dumber they are.



So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says…Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got !