Old and New Jokes

The James Bond Award to a Japanese businessman who recently left Houston to take a new job in his native country. To friends and acquaintances, he supplied his new direct phone number, but warned, The phone will only be activated when the caller says, You have a paint job (9 to 5) or You have a golf game (24 hours). I await your call.

The Plain English Award to Faroudja Inc. The Silicon Valley company announced two new processors in a news release that told us: A new YPrPb output allows the DVP3000 and DVP3000U to connect to the growing number of entry-level HDTV-ready sets in which an RGB output may not be compatible. New direct access infrared control software optimizes the models for use in theater or A/V installations employing IR-based control systems. RS232 serial computer control is also included.

Our Stupid Lawyer Trick Award to the attorneys for the Galleria. In a letter castigating me for my use of the term the Galleria area they warned they had sued or settled with numerous companies that used the Galleria in their name, adding ominously that many had gone out of business. In the future, they suggested, that I – or you – eschew that term and instead refer to the area around the Galleria, the neighborhood surrounding the Galleria, near the Galleria or perhaps something like two blocks north of the Galleria.

The What About Those Who Dip and Chew Award to SmithKline Beecham Consumer Healthcare, which announces it is sponsoring the NicoDerm CQ-Nicorette Ford Reynard race car at the annual Malboro Grand Prix of Miami.

From reader Mary Lamb. How do you know youve joined a cheap HMO? The only 100 percent covered expense is embalming.

Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow

Mavis: My daughter believes in preventative medicine, doctor. Doctor: Oh, really? Mavis: Yes, she tries to prevent me from making her take it!

You might be a redneck if you learned to drive in a monster truck!

What did 1 strawberry say to another?

Answer, if you werent so fresh you wouldnt be in this jam!

Fotheringham was a Brit through and through, while his neighbor Mackintosh was a true Scot. Ever since they had settled down in adjacent houses they played an active game of keeping up with the Joneses. If one bought a new car, it was certain that within a week the other would have a new, slightly fancier car. If one re-painted the trim on his house, the other house would promptly be freshened up.
And on it went throughout the years: lawn ornaments, barbeques, shrubbery, boats, carpets, lamps – almost anything one could imagine would be purchased by one neighbor and promptly one-upped by the other.
Their mutual passion was hunting, and every spring and autumn they would spend days slogging through marshes and forests, fighting off mosquitoes, blackflies, and poison ivy, ever in pursuit of a better buck or a fatter string of ducks than the other one had bagged the previous year. Despite the competition, it was usually friendly, and more than once Fotheringham and Mackintosh went on their expiditions together.
One evening, Mackintosh received a telephone call from Foteringham.
The duck hunting season starts tomorrow, and I was wondering if youd be interested in joinin me for the first shoot of the year?
Fer certain Ill be there! replied the Scot. Lets start oot in the wee hours o the mornin, for I would like to be on the lake when the sun comes up.
At 5:00 the next morning the Englishman was on Mackintoshs doorstep. Together they went out to their favorite lake and waited for the sunrise. Fotheringham had brought along new dog – a rather nondescript spaniel. As the sun came up behind them, a flock of ducks flew over the water. Ill get this one, said Fotheringham, as he swung his Jeager over and under. He pulled the trigger, and a greenhead tumbled out of the flock and splased on to the surface of the lake.
Fotheringham looked down at his dog. All right, boy, go get it! Immediately the dog jumped out of the boat. In amazement, Mackintosh watched the dog as it ran on top of the water, retrieved the duck, and ran back across the surface of the lake. It leaped the gunwhale and deposited the duck at his masters feet, having not so much as got a hair on its chest wet.
Bursting with pride, Fotheringham asked, There! What do ya think of that?
Mackintosh looked at the dog, looked at Fotheringham, looked again at the dog, then looked up at the Englishman. After some thought, he said slowly, If ye want me opinion, I think ye got taken. I wouldna spend good money on a dog that dinna know how to swim!

Why is it called rush hour when everything moves so slow?

Why do they call then express lanes when during rush hour everything is stopped?

Why is abreviation such a long word?

If sour milk is used to make yogurt, how do you know when yogurt has gone bad?

Why do they report power outages on TV?

Q: Why did the little girl change her mind about buying her grandmother a packet of handkerchiefs for Christmas?Q: Olive ?
A: Yeah, you know, Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names

A guy from Tyson Foods arranged a visit with the Pope. After receiving the papal blessing he whispered, Your Eminence, we have a deal for you. If you change The Lords Prayer from Give us this day our daily bread… to Give us this day our daily chicken… then we will donate $500 million dollars to the Church.

The Pope responds saying, That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed.

Well, says the Tyson man, We are prepared to donate one billion dollars to the Church if you change the Lords Prayer from Give us this day our daily bread… to Give us this day our daily chicken…

Again the Pope replies That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed.

Finally, the Tyson guy says, This is our last offer. We will donate five billion dollars to the church if you change the Lords Prayer from Give us this day our daily bread… to Give us this day our daily chicken… and he leaves.

The next day the Pope meets with the College of Cardinals to say that he has good news and some bad news.

The good news is that the Church has just received a donation of five billion dollars.

The bad news is that we are losing The Wonderbread Account!

This woman was found committing adultery and the law says we should stone her! one of the crowd responded.

Wait, yelled Jesus, Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky and knocked the woman on the side of her head.

Aw, Cmon, Dad…, Jesus cried, Im trying to make a point here!

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911: Blonde: We need help. Were three blondes changing a light bulb.

Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?

Blonde: Yes.

Operator: The power in the house in on?

Blonde: Of course.

Operator: And the switch is on?

Blonde: Yes, yes.

Operator: And the bulb still wont light up?

Blonde: No, its working fine.

Operator: Then whats the problem?

Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves.

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