Whats the difference between a bird and a fly?
A bird can fly but a fly cant bird.
03
Jul
03
Jul
Q: How can you make a very lively hankerchief?
A: Put a little boogey in it
03
Jul
What is a blondes definition of a naval destroyer. A hula hoop with a nail in it.
03
Jul
On a mans 33rd birthday he gets a package at the Post Office and goes to collect it.
At the counter the woman brings his package to him, and the man says, Its my birthday today.
Oh, happy birthday, how old are you?, asks the Post Office worker.
33., says the man.
Well, have a good day., says the worker.
Thank you., replied the man.
To get home, the man has to take the bus. At the bus stop an old lady walks up and waits soon after he arrives.
The man says to the old lady,
Its my birthday today.
Oh, happy birthday., says the old lady.
Im…
No dont tell me., interjects the old lady, I know a unique way of telling how old somebody is.
Oh yeah? Whats that then?, asks the man.
If I can feel your balls for about 5 minutes, I can tell exactly how many years old you are., says the old lady.
I dont believe it., says the man.
Well let me prove it!, the old lady replies.
Im not going to let you feel my balls!, says the man.
Oh well, I guess youll never know then., replies the lady.
After a couple of minutes curiosity gets the better of the man and he says, Oh, okay then, you can do it.
After a good feel of the mans balls the woman finally takes her hands out of his pants. You are 33 years old exactly., she exclaims!
How in the world did you know that?!, exclaims the man, impressed.
I was behind you in the line at the Post Office., said the lady.
03
Jul
Your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month.
He paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles.
You have a shuttle called Billy Joe Bob.
He refers to Klingons as Critters.
He refers to Photon Torpedoes as Popguns.
He has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil.
He installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section.
He says Got your ears on, good buddy instead of open hailing frequencies.
He hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen.
He rewires his communicator into his belt buckle.
He keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it.
He says Yee-Ha! instead of Engage.
He has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser.
He insists on calling his executive officer Bubba.
He sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of Bassmaster.
He programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens.
He paints the starship John Deere green.
He refers to a Pulsar as a Blue Light Special.
He refers to the Mutara Nebula as a swamp.
His moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale.
He sings Lucille instead of Kathleen.
His idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls.
He wears mirrored shades on the Bridge.
His idea of a gas giant is that big ol XO Bubba after a meal of beans and weenies.
He sets phaser to Cajun.
03
Jul
Some important theological questions can best be answered by
thinking of God as a computer programmer:
Q: Did God really create the world in seven days?
A: He did it in six days and nights while living on cola and
candy bars. On the seventh day he went home and found out his
girlfriend had left him.
Q: What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs?
A: If a critical error occurs, the system pages him automatically
and he logs on from home to try to bring it up. Otherwise, things
can wait until tomorrow.
Q: How come the Age of Miracles ended?
A: That was the development phase of the project. Now were in
the maintenance phase.
Q: Who is Satan?
A: Satan is an MIS director who takes credit for more powers than
he actually possesses, so nonprogrammers become scared of him.
God thinks hes irritating but irrelevant.
Q: Why does God allow evil to happen?
A: God thought he eliminated evil in one of the earlier revs.
Q: How can I protect myself from evil?
A: Change your password every month and dont make it a name, a
common word, or a date like your birthday.
Q: If I pray to God, will he listen?
A: You can waste his time telling him what to do, or you can just
get off his back and let him program.
Q: Some people claim they hear the voice of God. Is this true?
A: They are much more likely to receive email.
03
Jul
The Software scientist.
This is a man who takes a mathematical algorithm, performs a series of transformations on it and ends up with a program in lambda-calculus. This program is correct, meaning it will do what it is supposed to. Now all he needs is a lambda-calculus interpreter, a stable operating system, a computer with a proven architecture and an uninterruptable power supply.
The Software engineer.
This is a man who thinks that if he divides the task up into small enough pieces, it will disappear and he can go back to reading news.
The Programmer.
The programmer will listen to your requirements, sit down and actually write you a program. Unfortunately, it doesnt do what you want it to, but what the programmer thinks you ought to want it to do. After you reject the program, he still doesnt give up, trying to improve some algorithm he used in it.
The Hacker.
The hacker will listen while you tell him what you want, say thats easy, and type an amazingly long command line with about 30 pipes in it. Then he gets back to the real work.
The Hardware Buff.
This is the guy who tries to implement an awk interpreter in discrete logic. Problem is nobody thought of building a chip that knows what a backslash is.
The System Administrator.
While idly looking round to see whats going on, discovers a process with a suspicious-sounding name and kills it. The list of suspicious-sounding processes he has on the desk will eventually roll to the letter B, where bash, the login shell, is on top.
03
Jul
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open, exposing one of her breasts.
A nearby policeman approaches her and remarks, Maam, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?
Why, officer? asks the blonde.
Because your blouse is open and your breast is exposed.
Oh my goodness, exclaims the blonde, I left my baby on the bus!
03
Jul
Your beautiful new VW Beetle is constantly being mistaken for the Oscar Meyer Turdmobile.
On the way to the fishin hole, Andy and Opie stop by your windshield for bait.
Greenpeace wont let you move the car for fear of displacing some dung beetles that have taken up residence.
Neighborhood kids offer: Mow your Volvo, sir?
Your pine tree air freshener is now a protected old growth forest.
Satellite photos reveal crop circles on your roof.
Wash Me appears on your trunk — chiseled with a jackhammer.
Impossible to drive with the kids always clamoring to have a look through the periscope.
Your cell phone antenna is really a sapling which took root.
The kids seem really freaked-out by those blood stains in the Bronco.
Visits to the farm always result in pigs humping your tires.
Kids write PLOW ME! on your trunk.
When you blow the horn, prairie dogs pop up from the hood.
and Topfive.coms Number 1 Sign Your Car Needs Cleaning…
That rank smell coming from under all those McDonalds bags? The missing baby!!!
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@topfive.com http://www.topfive.com/ ]
[ Do not forward, publish, broadcast, or use in any manner ]
[ without crediting The Top 5 List at www.topfive.com ]
02
Jul
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Odessa!
Odessa who?
Odessa hot one!