The 9 Types of Boyfriends

Joe Sensitive – After I wash the dishes, lets cuddle, OK?

Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling,

Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup

Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts

Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy

Old Man Grumpus – People are stupid. The world can go to

hell. Lets stay home and watch TV. Also known as:

Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow

Mover, Jerk

Advantages: Stays put; predictable

Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass

Flinchy – I–Im sorry for whatever it was I did.

Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you

Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled

Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle

Bigfoot – Shut yer trap, Im thinkin.

Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk,

Big n Dumb

Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled

Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig

Lazybones – Zzzzzz

Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket,

Drug Addict

Advantages: Well rested; easy target

Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams

The Sneak – Who, me?

Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch

Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt

Disadvantages: May be having time of his life

Ace of Hearts – After I wash the dishes lets make love like

crazed weasels, OK?

Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova,


Advantages: Perpetually aroused

Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused

The Dreamer – Someday Im going to be rich and famous. I dont

know how, but–

Also known as: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag

of Wind

Advantages: Tells good stories

Disadvantages: Will turn into Old Man Grumpus

Mr. Right – While the servants wash the dishes, lets make love

like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?

Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy

Advantages: Answer to a womans prayer

Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction

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