An irishman, doctored (adult)

An Irish bloke goes to the doctor: Dactor, its me ahrse. Id loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot.

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. Incredible. he says, There is a $20 note lodged up here.

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the mans bottom, and then a $10 note appears.

This is amazing exclaims the Doctor What do you want me to do?

Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out man suggests the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another etc …

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear. Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dats moch batter, how moch is dare den?

The Doctor counts the pile of cash. $1990 exactly.

Ah, datd be roit. I knew I wasnt feeling two grand


Coin Swallowing

Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?

Nurse: No change yet.


Men, cant live with em

( From a T-shirt )

When god created man before he created woman, remember that artists
make models first before they make masterpieces.

[Ed: This and other jokes to come are prompted by a request I made for
sexist jokes that poke fun at men. ]



A couple of maintenance men are working around launch pad of the space shuttle
one day, when one of them notices some fuel leaking from one of the fuel
lines. They call mission control, who instructs them to try and contain the
fuel till they can figure out what to do about it.

They start collecting it into buckets, cans, jars, whatever they can find
around. After several hours (it takes mission control a long time to figure
out how to stop these things) one of them decides to take a taste of it.

Jim: Hey, Joe! Take a taste of this stuff. It aint half-bad.

Joe: Are you crazy?

Jim: No, really. Its kinda like vodka or something.

Joe: Youre right! This is pretty good!

Jim: Yea! And I think Im getting a good buzz off it too.

So Jim and Joe continue to drink their new-found drink and mop-up the rest of
the spilt fuel, though by now theyre not really minding the work. The next
morning, Jim gets a phone call.

Jim: Hello?

Joe: Hey Jim, how ya feeling?

Jim: Pretty good, actually. I dont have a hangover or nuthin!

Joe: Have you gone to the bathroom yet?

Jim: No, why?

Joe: Cuz Im calling you from Australia.


Easter Joke

Heard from a friend…

Three stupid guys just died and are at the pearly gates of heaven.
St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer
one simple question.

St. Peter asks the first man, WHAT IS EASTER?

The man replies, Oh, thats easy, its the holiday in November when everybody
gets together, eats turkey, and is thankful…

WRONG, replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second man the same
question, WHAT IS EASTER?

The second man replies, No, Easter is the holiday in December when we put up
a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus.

St. Peter looks at the second man, shakes his head in disgust, looks at the
third man and asks, WHAT IS EASTER?

The third man smiles and looks St. Pete in the eye.

I know what Easter is. Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with
the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at
the last supper and He was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one
of his disciples. The Romans took Him to be crucified and was stabbed in the
side, made Him wear a crown of thorns, and He was hung on a cross. He was
buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder. Every year the
boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out, and if He sees his shadow
there will be six more weeks of winter.


Snob test

In his book, Stay of Execution, the late Stewart Alsop, columnist, tells of this embarrassing moment:

I was in London, on a reporting trip for Joes and my column. I had an introduction to Lord Salisbury and interviewed him – he was a powerful figure in those days – and he asked me for the week-end to his country seat, Hatfield House.

I paid off the taxi and timidly rang a doorbell. To my surprise Lady Salisbury, a gray-haired lady with a strong ancestral face, answered the bell. With her was an enormous hound, which looked at me in a marked unfriendly fashion and growled.

Lady Salisbury saw that I was nervous. Dont worry, she said. Bobo never bites a gentleman, only the lower classes.

At that point Bobo lunged forward and planted his teeth in my right calf.


Hairy Twinkie

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.

The barber says to her, Sweetheart, youre gonna get hair on your Twinkie.
She says, Yes, I know, and Im gonna get boobs too.


He Said – She Said

He Said…She Said:

He said… I dont know why you wear a bra; youve got nothing to put in it.

She said…You wear briefs, dont you?

He said… Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?

She said…Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

He said… This coffee isnt fit for a pig!

She said…No problem, Ill get you some that is.

She said…What do you mean by coming home half drunk?

He said… Its not my fault…I ran out of money.

He said… Since I first laid eyes on you, Ive wanted to make love to you in the worst way.

She said…Well, you succeeded.

Priest… I dont think you will ever find another man like your late husband.

She said…Whos gonna look?

He said… You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man?

She said…No, have you?

He said… Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?

She said…Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.

He said… What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She said…Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said… Lets go out and have some fun tonight.

She said…Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.


Best hooker in Las Vegas

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, How much?

Hooker replies, It starts at $500 for a hand-job.

Guy says, $500 dollars! For a hand-job? No hand-job is worth that kind of money!

The hooker says, Do you see that Dennys on the corner?


Do you see the Dennys about a block further down?


And beyond that, do you see that third Dennys?


Well, says the hooker, smiling invitingly, I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job thats worth $500.

Guy says, What the hell? Ill give it a try.

They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, I suppose a blow job is $1,000?

The hooker replies, $1,500.

$1,500? No blow job could be worth that.

The hooker replies, Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow job thats worth every cent of $1,500.

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, says, Sign me up.

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can t believe it but he feels he truly got his moneys worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, How much for some pussy?

The hooker says, Come over here to the window. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?

Damn! the guy says, in awe, You own the whole city?

No, the hooker replies, but I would if I had a pussy!


Up a creek

A biology graduate student went to Borneo to take some samples for his
thesis work. He flew there, found a guide with a canoe to take him up the
river to the remote site he where he would make his collections. About noon
on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. Being a
city boy by nature, the biologist was disturbed by this. He asked the guide,
What are those drums? The guide turned to him and said, Drums OK, but
VERY BAD when they stop.

Well the biologist settled down a little at this, and things went
reasonably well for about two weeks. Then, just as they were
packing up the camp to leave, the drums suddenly stopped! This hit the
biologist like a ton of bricks (to coin a phrase), and he yelled at the guide,

The Drums have stopped, What happens now?

The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said:

Bass Solo