Old Jokes | New Jokes

Q: What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common?

A: Theyve both swallowed a lot of semen.

The New York Best Mix radio station has a bunch of summertime gimmicks
that attempt to boost listenership. One of them is Ticket Tuesday, where
listeners send in postcards with the tickets they want, and Mix 105 takes
care of the rest.

The idea is that you select the concert or play or whatever you want to see,
rather than waiting for, say, Metropolitan Opera tickets to be given away
to the tenth caller. Hmmm, right.

Unfortunately for the radio station, one metro-area listener took the
instructions a bit too literally, and when her card was pulled, the promo
department was forced to take care of her seven Manhattan parking tickets.

This Zen Buddhist Monk walks up to a hotdog stand and says to the vender, Give me one with everything.

So the vender makes him a hotdog with everything, hands it to the Buddhist Monk.

The Buddhist gives him a twenty dollar bill, the vender takes it, puts it in his cash register and shuts the door.

The Buddhist says, Wait, wheres my change?

The vender replies, Change must come from within.

A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and had not been seen for five days.

An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds.

The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.

Yes, were fine. Were living on the fruits of love.

The old man replied, I thought so … would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window? Theyre choking the shit out of my ducks!

Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for

baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a

very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.

Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent

that they would marry she thought to herself, He is such a sweet

and gentle man, but he would never go for this carrying on.

So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months

later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived

in the country she called her husband and told him that she would

be late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small

diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand.

Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk

off any ill effects by the time she reached home.

So, she stopped at the  diner and before she knew it, she had

consumed three large orders of baked beans. She putt-putted all the

way home, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could

control any lingering effects.

Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly,

Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight.

He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She

seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from

his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the

blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the

pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was

out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to

one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a

rotten egg gone worse.

When her husband returned, he instructed her to remove her

blindfold. And when she did, 50 people around her said Surprise!

Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and said, We need some four-by-twos.
The clerk said, You mean two-by-fours, dont you?

The man said, Ill go check, and went back to the truck. He returned in a minute and said, Yeah, I meant two-by-fours.

Alright. How long do you need them?

The customer paused for a minute and said, Id better go check. After awhile, the customer returned to the office and said, A long time. Were gonna build a house.

In the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal and the AOL/Netscape deal, here are the latest mergers we can expect to see:

Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush and W.R. Grace Company merge to become Hale Mary Fuller Grace.

Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become Polly-Warner-Cracker.

3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood.

John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become Deere Abi.

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco and Dakota Mining merge to become Zip Audi Do Da.

Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become Honey Im Home.

Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become MineAll Mine.

Federal Express and UPS merge to become FED UP.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge and begin manufacturing reproductive organs.

Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will merge and become Fairwell Honeychild.

3M, J.C. Penney and the Canadian Opera Company will merge and become 3 Penney Opera.

Grey Poupon & Dockers Pants will merge and become Poupon Pants.

Knotts Berry Farm & National Organization of Women will merge and become Knott NOW!

One year at Halloween the governor of Illinois was giving a costume party.
All the gentry were there and as they arrived the doorman would announce
what there characters were.

When one couple arrived he announced Mickey and Minnie Mouse.

As the next couple arrived he announced Tarzan and Jane.

…and so on as each guest arrived.

Later in the evening a man arrived dressed only in a pair of underpants but
apart from that totally naked from head to toe.

Who do you think you are? demanded the doorman. Having ascertained that
the man was indeed an invited guest from the local university CS department,
the doorman asked, How shall I announce you?

The man said, Im premature ejaculation.

Im very sorry sir said the doorman in obvious shock, I cannot announce
anything like that to such a gathering.

O.K. said the professor. Just say I came in my pants.

Twas the Night before X-mas

Twas the night before christmas- Old Santa was pissed

He cussed out the elves and through down his list

Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks

I have a good mind to scrap the whole works

Ive busted my ass for damn near a year

Instead of thanks Santa what do I hear

The Old lady bitches cause I work late at night

The elves want more money the reindeers all fight

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids

Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS

And just when I thought that things would get better

Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter

They say I owe taxes-if that aint damn funny

Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money

And the kids these days- they all are the pits

They want the impossible… Those mean litttle shits

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds

Assembling dolls….Their arms, legs, and heads

I made a ton of yo yos No request for them

They want computers and robots…..they think Im IBM

If you thinks that bad…just picture this

Try holding their pants full of piss

They pull on my nose they grab at my beard

And if I dont smile the parents think Im wierd

Flying through the air…dodging the trees

Falling down chimmneys and skinning their knees

Im quitting this job…theres just no enjoyment

Ill sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment

Theres no christmas this year…. now you know the reason

I found me a blonde …Im going south for the season

NOTE FROM CHRIS: Over 3 million households around the country had to do without watching ABC TV earlier this week because of a quarrel over transmission rights between Time Warner Inc. and The Walt Disney Co., owners of ABC.