Old and New Jokes

How Many Church Members Does it Take to Change A Light Bulb?

Charismatic: Only one. Hands already in the air.

Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.

Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.

Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

Lutherans: None. Lutherans dont believe in change.

Amish: Whats a light bulb?

– Phone conversations are over in thrity seconds flat.
 

 
– When clicking through the channel, you dnt have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
 

 
– You know stuff about tanks.
 

 
– A five-day vacation requres only one suitcase.
 

 
– You dont have to monitor your friends sex lives.
 

 
– Your bathroom lines are 80 percent shorter
 

 
– You can open all your own jars.
 

 
– Old friends dont give you crap if youve lost or gained weight.
 

 
– Dry cleaners and haircutters dont rob you blind
 

 
– A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
 

 
– You dont have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
 

 
– You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
 

 
– When your work is criticized, you dont have to panic that everyone secretly hates you
 

 
– The garage is all yours.
 

 
– You can be showered and ready in ten minutes.
 

 
– Wedding plans take care of themselves.
 

 
– If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
 

 
– Your underwear costs $10 for a three-pack.
 

 
– None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.
 

 
– You dont have to shave below your neck.
 

 
– If youre thrity-four and single, nobody notices.
 

 
– Everything on your face stays its original color.
 

 
– Chocolate is just another snack.
 

 
– Flowers fix everything.
 

 
– Three pairs of shoes are more than enough
 

 
– Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
 

 
– You dont have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
 

 
– Car mechanics tell you the truth.
 

 
– You dont care whether anybody notices your new haircut.
 

 
– You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking, he must be made at me.
 

 
– You never miscontrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you
 

 
– One mood, all the time.
 

 
– You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
 

 
– You can site with yoru kees apart no matter what you are wearing.
 

 
– Gray hair and wrinkles add character
 

 
– You dont care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
 

 
– You dont mooch off others desserts
 

 
– If you retain water, its in a canteen
 

 
– The remote is yours and yours alone
 

 
– People never glance at your chest when you are talking to them
 

 
– You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift
 

 
– Bachelor parties have it all over bridal showers
 

 
– You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother
 

 
– If you dont call your buddy when you say you will, he wont tell your friends youve changed
 

 
– If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies
 

 
– You dont have to remember birthdays and anniversaries for everyone you know.
 

 
– Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: So . . . Notice anything different?
 

 
There is always a game on somewhere

Two Jewish ladies who were neighbors in New York met unexpectedly in Miami one winter.

Why Shirley one of them said, I had no idea you were here

So listen Ruthie said Shirley now that we met I just must tell you, I am having an affair!

How wonderful said Ruthie, who is doing the catering?

The ones that learns by reading
The few who learn by observation
The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

Interviewer : Give me the opposite words.

Banta Singh : Ok

Interviewer : Made in India

Banta Singh : Destroyed in Pakistan

Interviewer : Good… Keep it Up

Banta Singh : Bad…. Put it Down

Interviewer : Maxi Mum

Banta Singh : Mini Dad

Interviewer : Enough! Take your Seat

Banta Singh : Insufficient! Dont Take my seat

Interviewer : Idiot! Take your Seat

Banta Singh : Clever! Dont take my Seat

Interviewer : I say you get out!

Banta Singh : You didnt say I come in

Interviewer : I reject you!

Banta Singh : You Appoint me

Interviewer : ….!!!!!!!

While the US stock market is at an all time high, the ups and downs frighten a lot of small investors like me. I went to my financial advisor at the bank and ask if he were worried.

He replied that he slept like a baby. I was amazed and asked, Really??? Even with all the fluctuations?

He said, Yes. I sleep for a couple of hours, then wake up and cry for a couple of hours.

An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses,
salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant
Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed.Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water? demanded the Grand Emir.A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One, stammered the poor Abdul, but this time there is a man sitting on the well.

One Thanksgiving a friend and I were walking down a main street in Albany when a man comes up to me and gives me a turkey and says, "Happy Thanksgiving!" Without hesitation my freind knocks him out. I asked my friend why he punched the nice man. My friend said, He gave you the bird!"

What does the serial number on a condom look like ?

Give up ? Well, I guess you never had to unroll one that far . . .

Robert Heath

A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders dont last as long as light bulbs.