A Jewish father, Moisha, was beset by his eldest son Yitzak …

Father, I am going to marry!

His father begins to dance with joy and sing Hava Nagila … Tell me, is she a good Jewish girl? says the father. What is her name?

OBrien replies the son … Shes Catholic …

Oy! says the father … But are you happy?

Im happy, says the son.

Ok…as long as youre happy … my blessings to you both, replies Moisha.

But the father is still counting on his remaining sons, Schlemiel and Chutzpah …

Schlemiel calls on his father the next evening, Father… I too will be married soon!

Again, Moisha breaks out in a dance and sings Gods praises …

What is her name, implores the father?

Kazalopodopolous, says the son. Shes Greek Orthodox …

Oy, says Moisha … But are you happy?

Im happy, father …

Ok … then you, too, have my blessing, intones Moisha.

Dejected, Moisha goes to the Temple to pray. Please God, let my remaining son Chutzpah marry a nice Jewish girl … to raise nice Jewish children in your eyes. PLEASE!

Chutzpah comes to his father excitedly and exclaims, Father! I am to wed in the spring!

Her NAME? WHAT IS HER NAME his father immediately demands?

Goldberg! says Chutzpah! Moisha is beside himself with joy! Praise God! Praise the Prophets!

Turning to Chutzpah, he asks, Is she Doctor Goldbergs daughter Shelley, from Los Angeles?

No … says Chutzpah.

Hmmm, says Moisha, Must be Attorney Goldbergs daughter Rachel from Hollywood?

Ah … no, father says Chutzpah.

Well, then, what is her first name, my youngest, truest, most beautiful Son?

Whoopi, says Chutzpah.

A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for? I got it for my wife, eh. answers Bob.Oh! exclaims Doug, Good trade.

A relative heard this on C-Span the night of President Clintons economic
address…

Chelsea wasnt feeling well at her private school. She went to the infirmary
to get some aspirin. The nurse discovered that nobody had ever signed
a parental consent form to authorize the school to dispense medicine to
the First Kid.

The nurse told Chelsea that they needed to contact one of her parents for
permission to give her aspirin. Chelsea told her, Oh, please call Daddy.
Moms far too busy.

The Dalai Lama walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, Make me one
with everything.

(From a joke-of-the-day calendar…)

Three Irish Catholic ladies are across the street from a brothel.

Isnt that Reverend Brown coming out of there?

What a scandal! For a clergyman to sink like that!

Isnt that Rabbi Farbstein?

Oh, that filthy Jew! Disgusting!

Isnt that Father Murphy?

My, my, there must be a very sick girl in there.

There is a story about a monastery in Europe perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air. The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength. Obviously, the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying. One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed. With a trembling voice he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope. The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, Whenever it breaks.

If a bra is an upper topper titty flopper stopper.

And a jock strap is a lower decker pecker checker.

And a roll of toilet tissue is a super duper doody pooper scooper.

What do you call a Japanese drummer boy whose father has diarrhea?

Answer: A slap happy Jappy with a crap happy pappy.

GARNER THOMSON

The ARGUS Foreign Service (April 1994)

LONDON – Two journalist lovers knew they had a scoop when the Duke and Duchess of York sat down to have dinner at the next table. But tabloid demands being what they are, both knew the story was worthless without a photograph. Nic North sprinted to the home of his girlfriends mother to borrow a camera.

Tracey Kandohla stayed at the restaurant. A breathless Nic returned with the camera and snapped a picture. The Yorks were annoyed, but, in spite of arguing with the couple, failed to get them to surrender the film.

It was only when they had left the restaurant that Nic and Tracey hit a snag. They worked for rival newspapers – Nic for the Daily Mirror, Tracey for The Sun – and they knew that neither paper would be interested if the photograph wasnt an exclusive.

Nic insisted it was his picture – he had fetched the camera and grabbed the shot. Tracey pointed out that it was her mothers camera and film. But Nic raced off and got the film to the Daily Mirror, leaving a fuming Tracey behind. The Sun launched a late-night court bid to get a share of the scoop, but falled.

Now – matched by the news that the Yorks have no plans to resume their marriage – comes the report that Nic and Traceys relationship is, as a friend put it, divided.

Women will speak only when spoken to or instructed to do so.
Men have the right and the duty to point out PMS wherever and whenever they
see it.
Men have the right to tell a woman to take a Midol and leave.
Men will call the day after if and only if they see fit.
The man is always right; no questions or whining tolerated, ever.
If a man says that she asked for it, she asked for it.
All commands are expected to be followed without question or hesitation.
Teasing is regarded as a serious offense and will be dealt with
accordingly.
Football games will not be interrupted for any reason without prior written
consent from the man.
The female will shop for groceries only and may not use a credit card.
Shopping will be conducted only when absolutely necessary and then only
under male supervision.
Mood swings are not a justifiable excuse for anything.
If any of the above rules prove inconvenient or undesirable for the male,
they will be adjusted at his discretion without warning.

Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton from a bunch of dead bodies?
A: Hes the stiff one.