Old and New Jokes

Yo mama so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!

There was a man and woman traveling along in their car. The man was driving when a police officer pulls them over. The officer walks up to the window and says Did you know you were speeding back there.

The lady (who is almost deaf) said to her husband What did he say, what did he say?

The man turns to his wife and said He said I was speeding. The officer then said Where are you from?

The man replied Chicago

The wife then says What did he say, what did he say?

The man turns to his wife and said, He wanted to know where we came from.

The officer then said Shit, you know, I had my worst fuck ever in Chicago.

The lady then says What did he say, what did he say?

The man turns back and says He says he thinks he knows you.

El capitán de un barco está pasando lista a la tripulación:

Jorge.

Presente.

Jaime.

Presente.

Margarito.

¡Ay, presente!, exclama con voz aflautada.

¡Margarito, agárrese los huevos y diga presente, ordena el capitán.

¡Ay, preSENTE!

Un rato después, todos los tripulantes zarpan en pequeños y frágiles botes. De pronto, Margarito cae al agua y un tiburón comienza a atacarlo:

¡Ay, auxilio! ¡Auxilio que me muerde el tibuRÓN!

Está un tío todo triste en el trabajo. Preocupado el jefe se le acerca:

¿Qué le pasa, Peláez?

Bueno, en fin… que voy a ser padre dentro de poco.

Pero, bueno, ¡felicidades! ¿Y a qué viene esa cara de funeral?

Verá, cuando se entere mi mujer…

Una pareja está haciendo el 69; de repente él exclama:

¡Hostias, se ha muerto el obispo de Murcia!

Ella le reclama:

Concéntrate en lo que estás haciendo, ¿no?

El tío replica:

¡Hombre, si no te limpiaras el coño con papel de periódico…!

A worried man goes to his doctor and explains, Doc, theres something seriously wrong with my digestive system! If I eat carrots, when I go to the bathroom, out comes carrots! If I eat peas, I take a dump, out comes peas! I eat apples and I poop apples! Im worried, Doc; What do you suggest?

The doctor said calmly, No problem, eat shit.

What are the 3 advantages of having a #50 note tattoed on 2 ur penis

1 u can play with ur money



2 u can watch ur money grow



3 ur wife can blow as much money as she wants!

For the man who has everything. . .
A calendar to remind
him when his payments are due.

A guy is sitting at a bar, throwing back glass after glass of scotch. The bartender, a little worried, asks him if hes okay. "No, Im not," the guy replies. "I just caught my wife in bed with my best friend." "Well," asks the bartender, "what did you say to your wife?" "Nothing. Im not speaking to that bitch anymore." "Well, what did you say to your best friend?" "BAD DOG! BAD DOG!"

Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better computer programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge.

They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up the screen.

Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out.

Very well, then, says God, let us see if Jesus fared any better.

Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.

He stutters, But how?! I lost everything yet Jesus program is intact! How did he do it?

God chuckles, Jesus saves.