Old and New Jokes

Were there any new orders while I was out? asked the shop manager his new assistant.

Only one, she replied. Two men ordered me to put up my hands while they took the safe.

A furious lightsaber duel is underway. Darth Vader is backing Luke Skywalker
towards the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader chops off Lukes hand!
It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs away. He looks
around, but realizes theres nowhere to go but straight down.

Darth Vader: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.

Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!

Darth Vader: No… I am your father!

Luke: No, its not true! Its impossible.

Darth Vader: Search your feelings… you know it to be true…

Luke: No!

Darth Vader: Yes, it is true.. and you know what else? You know that brass
droid of yours?

Luke: Threepio?

Darth Vader: Yes… Threepio… I built him… when I was 7 years old…

Luke: No…

Darth Vader: Seven years old? And what have you done? Look at yourself, no
hand, no job, and couldnt even levitate your own ship out of the swamp…

Luke: I destroyed your precious Death Star!

Darth Vader: When you were 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly destroyed a
Trade Federation Droid Control ship!

Luke: Well, its not my fault…

Darth Vader: Oh, here we go… Poor me… my father never gave me what
I wanted for my birthday… boo hoo, my daddys the Dark Lord of the Sith…
waahhh wahhh!

Luke: Shut up…

Darth Vader: Youre a slacker! By the time I was youre age, I had
exterminated the Jedi knights!

Luke: I used to race my T-16 through Beggars Canyon!

Darth Vader: Oh, for the love of the Emperor… 10 years old, winner of the
Boonta Eve Open… Only human to ever fly a Pod Racer… right here baby!

Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step towards it.

Darth Vader: I was wrong… Youre not my kid… I dont know whose you
are, but you sure aint mine…

Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the
shaft. Darth Vader looks after him.

Darth Vader: Get a haircut!

Q: Did you hear about the Irishman who was tap dancing?
A: He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

Q: Whats Irish and sits outside in the summertime?
A: Paddy OFurniture!

Q: What are the best ten years of an Irishmans life?
A: Third grade.

Q: How do you sink an Irish submarine?
A: Knock on the hatch.

Q: How can you identify an Irish pirate?
A: Hes the one with patches over both eyes.

Mire doctor, dice una señora. No se cómo ponerme en la cama: si me pongo boca abajo, se me suben los pulmones Si me pongo de un lado, se me sube el hígado. Si me pongo del otro lado se me suben los riñones.

¡Ah! Pues entonces póngase boca arriba.

¡No, porque entonces se me sube mi marido!

En una fiesta, una muchacha le dice a su compañera de al lado:

Ten cuidado que ahí viene El Rápido.

En eso viene El Rápido y la invita a bailar. Cuando están bailando, éste le dice:

Oye chica, podrías echarte el panty a un lado.

¡Ajá, para metérmelo!, responde la chica.

No, para sacártelo.

This hit man decided he needed a new scope for his sniper. So he heads to this new shop that had just opened up and walks in. He introduces himself to the owner and tells him he has $20000 to spend on a new scope. The owner says well i have this new one that just got in, it can see ages away. If you look through that window there you can see my house on that hill. So the customer looks through the scope at the house.The owner asks well what dya see? the customer looks at him wryly and says i can a man and a women running around naked the owner reaches behind his counter and pulls out 2 bullets and says if you take these 2 bullets and blow my wifes head off and that milk mans dick off ill give you the scope for free so the customer loads the bullets and looks through the scope and says ya know what? i reckon i can do that in one shot.

Heres a delightful treat someone once made for an office Christmas party:

A gelatin mold should be made with Knox Unflavored Gelatin and red food coloring. One would think that a flavorless food would not be at all difficult to swallow, but believe me, from the looks of people who inserted cold masses of gelatinous glop into a mouth that was expecting sweets, the experience is unexplainably horrifying! Some claimed to be nauseated by the feel of it; others politely swallowed.

How many Irish does it take to change a lightbulb?

Forget it- well drink in the dark

Q: Did you hear that Michael Jackson was taken to the Emergency Room?
A: He was choking on a small bone!

If you have ever price shopped for Top Ramen.
If you live in a house with three couches, none of which match.
If you consider Mac and Cheese a balanced meal.
If you have ever written a check for 45 cents.
If you have a fine collection of domestic beer bottles.
If you have ever seen two consecutive sunrises without sleeping.
If your glass set is composed of McDonalds Extra Value Meal Plastic
Cups (ie. Olympic Dream Team I or II).
If your underwear supply dictates the time between laundry loads.
If you cannot remember when you last washed your car.
If you can pack your worldly possesions into the back of a pick-up
(one trip).
If you have ever had to justify yourself for buying Natural Light.
If the first thing you do in the morning is roll over and introduce
yourself.
If your bed time is no longer 10:00 PM, but 3:00 AM.
If you consider pizza one of the four major food groups.
If you consider the other three to be beer, McDonalds, and candy.
If youve ever missed a class to watch Ricki Lake.
Or play Warcraft.
If youve ever sent e-mail to the people you live with.
If you refer to your meal card as plastic.
If youve ever spent a good hour searching for your student I.D.
just so you could get that one dollar off at the movies.
If youve ever stayed up all night just so you wouldnt sleep
through your morning class.