A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore.

At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. Look, she said, I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen!

Statement of fact (anti-English)

The alternative encyclopaedia of Scotland

E is for England

A small irrelevant country which, humourously, thinks itself important. The source of much jollity the world over, England is a strong contender for the Country You Most Love To Hate award. From Mandalay to Mauritius via Timbuktu and Tasmania, everyone hates England. Indeed, England has it within its grasp to bring about global unification just by declaring war on the world. Every nation on earth would unite in the fight.

Strange but true; the reason England thinks it is the centre of the universe is because it won the football {soccer in N America} World Cup in 1966. Though irritating, this would not have mattered too much if it had learned to shut up about it for five minutes. England also had an obscenely big empire which, again, was noteworthy only for how much it annoyed everyone else.

A common misconception is that England lost its empire because the uppity natives noticed they were being exploited. In fact it was because English commentators couldnt shut up about the World Cup that host nations decided enough was enough and set about shooting Englishmen in the hope that one was Bobby Charlton.

Undeterred, England persists with its delusions of adequacy but has a terrible inferiority complex about Scotland – and is unforgivably dismissive of its loving neighbour. It has gone down various plugholes – economic, cultural, football, you name it – but the plucky little English (often referred to as Sassenachs) still think the world admires them. You have to hand it to them; theyre barking mad.

One day, God went to find Adam and Eve in the garden, but found that Adam was sitting by himself. Wheres Eve? He asked.

Well, said Adam, She started to bleed. This happens every month or so.

So where is she? asked God.

Well, she went down to the river to wash up. replied Adam.

Darn, said God. Now Ill never get the smell out of the fish!

You might be a redneck if…
Youve ever used lard in bed.

A teacher in New York City wanted to see how many animals the city kids in her fourth-grade class could identify.

She drew a picture of a cow on the blackboard and said, Who can tell me what this is?

A little girl raised her hand.

Yes, Janie, what do you think it is?

Its a cow, teacher.

Very good, Janie, said the teacher.

Then she drew a picture of a pig, and a little boy answered correctly. She drew several other barnyard animals and was unable to stump the class.

Finally, she decided to try something a little more difficult. She drew a stag with a large spread of antlers. The kids just stared, but nobody offered an answer.

Ill give you a hint, said the teacher. What does your mommy call your daddy when shes trying to be lovey-dovey?

Instantly, little Johnny raised his hand and said, –

ooh, ooh!, I know, Teacher. Its a big horny bastard!

Two 6 year old boys were attending religous school and giving the teachers problems. The teachers had tried everything to make them behave – time outs, notes home, missed recesses – but could do nothing with them. Finally the boys were sent to see the priest.The first boy went in and sat in a chair across the desk from the priest. The priest asked, "Do you know where God is?" The little boy just sat there. The priest stood up and asked again, "Son, do you know where God is?" The little boy trembled but said nothing. The priest leaned across the desk and again asked, "Do you know where God is?" The little boy bolted out of the chair ran past his friend in the waiting room, all the way home. He got in bed and pulled the covers up over his head. His friend had followed him home asked, "what happened in there?" The boy replied, "God is missing and they think we did it!"

An old joke, so old I dont remember the source – sorry 🙂

There was this white missionary working in the jungles of Africa with a
local tribe there.

One day the wife of the tribes chief got pregnant and eventually
gave birth. The Chief was utterly shocked when he found out that
the baby was a white boy. He was really confused so he decided to
pay a visit to the missionary.

Father, my wife gave birth to a baby

Why, thats a very good news, Chief. Congrats

But Father, it is a white boy!?!?!?

The missionary thinks for sometime and in a deep voice replies,
Well Chief, sometimes nature does work in some strange ways….
The other day I was taking a stroll along the mountain side
and I saw this beautiful black sheep in a herd of white
sheep..

The Chief looked very surprised and was silent for a moment
before he spoke,

Okay Father, heres the deal. You tell no one, and Ill tell
no one.

Patient: Im in a hospital! Why am I in here?

Doctor: Youve had an accident involving a train.

Patient: What happened?

Doctor: Well, Ive got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

Patient: Well… The bad news first…

Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.

Patient: Thats terrible! Whats the good news?

Doctor: Theres a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves when the little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.

He says, Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.

The grandfather smiles. Ill bet you five dollars you cant.

Its too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather, impressed with his grandsons ingenuity, hands him five dollars … then grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.

The little boy says, Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars?

The grandfather replies, Yes, I know. But thats from your grandma!

Yo mama so flat shes jealous of a piece of paper!