Because they irritate the crap out of you!

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, Hey, we have a drink named after you! The grasshopper looks surprised and says, You have a drink named Steve?

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, Honey be very careful when you drive the ball-dont knock out any windows. Itll cost us a fortune to fix.

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, I told you to watch out for the houses! Alright lets go up there, apologize, and see how much thats going to cost.

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, Come on in. They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side on the foyer. A man on the couch said, Are you the people that broke the window?

Uh yeah. Sorry about that, the husband replied. No, actually I want to thank you. Im a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. Youve released me. Im allowed to grant three wishes – Ill give you each one wish, and Ill keep the last one for myself.

OK great! the husband said. I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life. No problem – its the least I could do.

And you, what do you want? the genie said, looking at the wife. I want a house in every country of the world, she said. Consider it done. the genie replied.

And whats your wish genie?, the husband said.

Well, since I have been trapped in that bottle, I havnt had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife.

The husband looks at the wife and said, Well we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I dont care.

The genie took the wife upstairs, and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife and said, How old is your husband, anyway?

35. she replied. And he still believes in genies??? Thats amazing!

Two guys went camping, and after two weeks they thought they needed a break from each other. So they decided to split up for a few days, and meet up back at the campsite.
When they returned, the first guy said, I had the most wonderful time! I hiked for a few miles, and found a beautiful little stream in a valley. There was a little deer, drinking out of the stream. It was wonderful! I spend the whole three days there.

Well, thats okay, said the second guy, but check this out. I followed some train tracks, and found a gorgeous girl, tied to the tracks! I untied her, and we had the most amazing sex, for three days, in every imaginable position!

Wow! said the first guy, envious. Did she give you oral sex?

No, says the second guy. I couldnt find her head.

My wife came home the other night and told me to take off her blouse.

Then she told me to take off her skirt. Then she told me never to wear her clothes again.

This was just posted to the newsgroup alt.config and most of the alt.sex newsgroups to propose creation of a new group alt.sex.oral. I think you might find it interesting.

The Greatest Philosopher in the World, maybe the Greatest who ever lived.

There has been some questioning as to why there isnt an alt.sex.oral newsgroup since almost every other sexually related practice has one of its own.

There is quite a bit of interest in this subject, as it has gotten a lot of tongues wagging about it.

It is a subject of very hot debate, and considerable jawing and movement of mouths.

It has been known to raise a significant response in men, and a smaller response in women. Perhaps women are more open to this subject.

It is a subject of considerable interest from many angles, as much as 21 (degrees) reduced from 90.

It is often enjoyed by more than one person, as some people find that the performance of this act is as enjoyable as having it performed upon them, sort of like massages. In fact, it may be of interest to fat people, who like to eat, or swallow things.

Rather than let this go to a head, I propose to expose this meaty situation to alt.config and see if it receives the attention it deserves.

Interest in it is sometimes up and down, as peoples heads have different positions on the issue. Some being higher up than others, or busy and cant discuss it because their mouth is full because they cant talk while theyre eating, or because they are on their knees, in a position to pray for deliverance, I suppose.

Its a subject of a veritable explosion of interest, and has been known to generate strong, penetrating emotions, sometimes watered down or flooded discussions, and lots of controversy from those who support or oppose this issue.

In the absence of serious objection, I plan to create this group next week, e.g. in 7 days.

Those receiving this who cannot read newsgroups may post comments in response to this message by mailing it to the following address:

alt-config@cs.utexas.edu

Thank you for your consideration.

The trouble with political jokes is that the dumbest one of them got elected President.

A Texan, while visiting Toronto, found himself in the back seat of a taxi cab on the way to his hotel. Passing by the Royal York the Texan asked the cab driver Whats that building there? Thats the Royal York Hotel replied the cabbie. The Royal York? How long did it take to build that? asked the Texan. About 12 years replied the cabbie.

12 years? We build em twice as high, twice as wide and four times as long down in Texas, and we do that in six months.

A while later the cab driver makes his was past the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre. Whats that building over there? asked the Texan. Thats the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre replied the cabbie. Convention Centre? How longd it take to build that? asked the Texan. About three years replied the cabbie. Three years? We build em twice as high, three times as long and four times as wide as that down in Texas, and it only takes us about two weeks.

Shortly thereafter the cabbie drives past the CN Tower. Whats that building there? asks the Texan, pointing at the tower. Danged if I know replied the cabbie, It wasnt here when I drove by yesterday.

Q: How many Liverpool supporters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 96. One to change it and 95 to get killed in the crush when the whole city turns up to watch.

Note: Topical to the Hillsborough disaster.

A 98 year old man lay on his death bed. According to all of the doctors, he would not live to see another sunrise. All of a sudden, he became aware of the ever increasing scent of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen 2 floors below. He thought, Before I leave this world, I MUST have just ONE of my wifes wonderful chocolate chip cookies.

After all, it was such a batch of cookies made by his wife that first won his heart more than 80 years prior when they were first dating. What better way to depart this life than with the warm and loving taste of his wifes cookies still lingering on his palate?

The man bravely and arduously rolled himself in his bed until he was finally able to fall off of the bed onto the floor. He then pulled himself by his elbows, out of the room, into the hallway.

He continued to pull himself to the stairwell where he backed himself down the 2 flights of stairs, painfully sliding down one step at a time. The man then pulled himself through the parlor, living room, dining room and finally into the kitchen.

Tears swelled in his eyes as he contemplated all of the love that his wife had put into that final batch of cookies. This was a most appropriate final act of love offered to him by the woman who had shared her life with him for more than 80 years.

He pulled himself to the counter top where the cooling batch of cookies lay, sending their aroma deep into his nostrils and announcing to the world that his wifes love for him was most certainly as fresh and warm today as on the day she married him.

He rested his body weight on his left elbow and with shaking determination, ever so slowly raised his right arm to a point that put his fingers so close to the cookies that he could feel the rising heat caressing his fingertips.

His wife turned her head and noticed her husband in his galant struggle to reach for the cookies. She then grabbed his hand and declared, Oh no you dont, THOSE are for the funeral!