yo momaso dumb she got lost at the grocery store

The prosecutor sees your lawyer in the hall, and they high-five each other.
During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.
He picks the jury by playing duck-duck-goose.
During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
Every couple of minutes he yells, I call Jack Daniels to the stand! and proceeds to drink a shot.
He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.
Just before he says Your Honor, he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, Whatever.
He giggles every time he hears the word briefs.
He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.
He begins closing arguments with, As Ally McBeal once said…

-=} Randall {=- LAWYER: A cat who settles a dispute between 2 mice.

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The following is a humorous story reported in the Manchester
Guardian some time in the late 1970s.

Ben McTaggart, a farmer in the Scottish Highlands, was apprehended by the
local constabulary after a routine inspection of his croft
revealed an illicit whisky still.

McTaggart appeared in court next day to face charges of evading
payment of excise duties and the illegal manufacture of alcoholic
spirits. Reviewing the facts of the case before pronouncing verdict,
the magistrate declared –

Mr McTaggart, you have been found in possession of apparatus commonly
used in the distillation of alcoholic liquors. Although this equipment
was unused, and no trace of spirits could be found on your premises,
the intent of the apparatus should be clear to all, and I am obliged to
find you guilty of all charges brought against you in this court. Before
I pronounce sentence, do you have anything to say in mitigation of your
offence?

McTaggart glowered at the magistrate and replied –

Your Honour, you can convict me of moonshining just because I have
the equipment, but youd better convict me of rape as well, because
I have the equipment for that tae!

Why dont women need to wear watches?

Theres a clock on the oven!

The young lady entered the doctors office carrying an infant.

Doctor, she explained, the baby seems to be ailing. Instead of gaining weight, he lost three ounces this week.

The medic examined the child and then started to squeeze the ladys breasts. He then unbuttoned her blouse, removed the bra and began powerfully sucking on one nipple.

Young lady, he finally announced, no wonder the baby is losing weight, you havent any milk!

Of course not! she shrieked. Its not my child, its my sisters!

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, Vietnam, 1969. The other points his thumb behind him and says, Dog crap, 20 feet back.

Step 1: Go buy a turkey


Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey, scotch, or JD


Step 3: Put turkey in the oven


Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey


Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens


Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink


Step 7: Turn oven the on


Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky


Step 9: Turk the bastey


Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get


Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer


Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey


Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours


Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey


Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey


Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick


Step 17: Turk the carvey


Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch


Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey


Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out

An inch or two either side of the post and that would have been a goal.

– Dave Bassett, Sky Sports

Ardiles strokes the ball like it is part of his own anatomy.

– Jimmy Magee, RTE

Gary always weighed up his options, especially when he had no choice.

– Kevin Keegan, Radio 5 live

This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother.

– Ted Walsh ( Horse Racing Commentator)

I would not say he ( David Ginola) is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better.

– Ron Atkinson

He dribbles a lot and the opposition dont like it – you can see it all over their faces.

– Ron Atkinson

I never comment on referees and Im not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat.

– Ron Atkinson

It took a lot of bottle for Tony (Adams) to own up.

– Ian Wright commenting on his teammates alcoholism)

I couldnt settle in Italy – it was like living in a foreign country.

– Ian Rush

Ah, isnt that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew.

– Harry Carpenter (BBC TV Boat Race 1977)

Here we are in the Holy Land of Israel – a Mecca for tourists.

– David Vine

Morcelli has four fastest 1500-metre times ever. And all those times are at 1500 metres.

– David Coleman

Julian Dicks is everywhere. Its like theyve got eleven Dicks on the field.

– Metro Radio

… and later we will have action from the mens coxless pairs …

– Sue Barker

Her time is about 4.33, which shes capable of.

– David Coleman

Dennis Pennis: Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?

Chris Eubank: On what?

Sex is an anti-climax after that!

– Grand National winning jockey Mark Fitzgerald

Well, you gave the horse a wonderful ride, everybody saw that

– Desmond Lynam

To play Holland, you have to play the Dutch.

– Ruud Gullit

Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw.

– Ron Atkinson

For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip

– John Motson

Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.

– David Acfield

What will you do when you leave football, Jack – will you stay in football?

– Stuart Hall (Radio 5 live)

Well still be happy if we lose. Its on at the same time as the Beer Festival

– Noel O Mahony, Cork City boss before the game in Munich

Id like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona

– Mark Draper (Aston Villa)

There goes Juantorena down the backstraight, opening his legs and showing his class

– David Coleman at The Montreal Olympics

And for those of you who watched the last programme (Fanny and Johnny Craddock), I hope all your doughnuts turn out like Fannys

– David Coleman at the start of Match of The Day

… and Ray Illingworth is relieving himself in front of the pavilion

– John Arlott

These greens are so fast they must bikini wax them

– Gary McCord – on the greens at Augusta

One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them – Oh my God, what have I just said?

– USTV commentator

Theyll be watching him (Mike Tyson) with a fine toothcomb from now on

– CNN Sports commentator

Queridos papá y mamá:

Hace ya tres meses que estoy en la universidad y me demoré para escribirles. Siento mucho la demora, pero ahora voy a ponerlos al tanto de todo. Antes de continuar, por favor, siéntense. ¡No continúen leyendo antes de sentarse! ¿Está bien?

Ahora ya estoy mejor, la fractura y el traumatismo que tuve al saltar por la ventana de mi cuarto en llamas al llegar aquí, están prácticamente curados.

Pasé sólo 2 semanas en el hospital, mi visión está casi normal y aquellas terribles jaquecas sólo vuelven una vez por semana.

Como el incendio fue causado por un descuido mío, tenemos que pagar 50 mil dólares a la facultad por los daños causados, pero eso no es nada, pues lo importante es que estoy vivo.

Felizmente, la empleada de la lavandería que queda al frente lo vio todo. Fue ella quien llamó a la ambulancia y avisó a los bomberos. Ella también fue a verme al hospital y, como yo no tenía a donde ir, con mi apartamento reducido a cenizas, tuvo la gentileza de invitarme a vivir con ella.

En verdad es un cuarto en un sótano, pero es muy agradable. Ella tiene el doble de mi edad, estamos perdidamente enamorados y nos queremos casar. Todavía no fijamos la fecha, pero será antes de que su embarazo sea muy evidente.

Queridos padres, seré papá. Sé como ustedes ansían ser abuelos y estoy seguro que acogerán a los bebés (son trillizos) con todo el amor y cariño que me dieron cuando yo era pequeño.

Lo único que está atrasando nuestra unión, es una pequeña infección que mi novia cogió y que nos impide hacer los análisis prematrimoniales. Yo también, por descuido, acabé infectándome, pero estoy mejor con la penicilina que me pongo diariamente.

Sé que ustedes la recibirán con los brazos abiertos en nuestra familia; ella es muy amable, y aún no habiendo estudiado, tiene mucha ambición. Aunque no sea de nuestra misma religión, sé que ustedes son tolerantes y que tampoco les importará el hecho de que su piel sea un poco más oscura que la nuestra.

Estoy seguro que la querrán tanto como yo y, como ella tiene más o menos su edad, se llevarán muy bien y se divertirán mucho juntos.

Como donde vivimos es muy pequeño, pretendo regresar para casa con toda mi nueva familia. Sus padres son también muy buenas personas, parece que su padre es un famoso mercenario de la aldea africana de donde ella es.

Ahora que ya saben todo, es preciso que les diga que no hubo incendio alguno, no tuve traumatismo ni fractura en el cráneo, no fui al hospital, no tengo novia, no tengo sífilis, y no hay ninguna mujer negra en mi vida.

La verdad es que saqué cero en Física, 2 en Matemáticas y 1 en Biología, y quise mostrarles que existen cosas peores en la vida que notas bajas.

Un beso de su hijo.

3 guys were stuck on an island. One day, one of the guys found a very old bottle. As he opened the bottle, out popped a genie who granted each of the guys 1 wish.

The first guy wished he could go home to his family. Poof, his wish came true and he was back with his family. The second guy wished the same thing, that he could go home to his family. Poof, the second guy was home with his family.



The third guy wasnt exactly smart. He looked around the island, feeling kind of lonely. He looked at the genie and said I wish my 2 friends were back on the island again with me.