Whats the favorite food of a Black/Italian halfbreed?

– Barbequed spaghetti.

Because red means stop.

An elderly man was quite unhappy because he had lost his favorite hat.

Instead of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and swipe one
out of the vestibule.

When he got there, an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a
pew where he had to sit and listen to the entire sermon on The Ten
Commandments.

After church, the man met the preacher in the vestibule doorway, shook his
hand vigorously, and told him I want to thank you preacher for saving my
soul today. I came to church to steal a hat and after hearing your sermon
on the 10 Commandments, I decided against it.

Preacher: You mean the commandment I shall not steal changed your
mind?

Old Man: No, the one about adultery did. As soon as you said that I
remember where I left my old hat!

Basic Rules for Cats Who Have a House to Run

1. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If no Oriental rug is available, shag is good.

2. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it.After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things, This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, and mosquito season.

3. GUESTS: Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that humans lap. If you can, arrange to have Friskies Fish n Glop on your breath. For sitting on laps or rubbing against clothing, select fabric color which contrasts well with your fur. For example: white furred cats go to black wool clothing. For the guest who claims, I love kitties, be ready with aloof disdain; apply claws to stockings or use a quick nip on the ankle. When walking among the dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to convey, But you always allow me on the table when company isnt here. Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It isnt necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

4. WORK: If one of your humans is sewing or writing and another is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called helping, otherwise known as hampering. Following are the rules for hampering: A. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cant be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on, picked up and consoled. B. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between the humans eyes and the book, unless you can lie across the book itself. If it is a news paper, claw at it until shredded.

– How come blonde girls have bruises around and in their bellybuttons?

– I dont know…Why?

– Because blonde boys are stupid as well!

A rich society lady was being driven home in the rain when her Rolls Royce gets a puncture.

The car slowly stopped, and the chauffeur got out. After a long delay the society lady wound down the window. Do you want a screwdriver? she asked.

The chauffeur shrugged. Might as well, he said, I cant get this bloody hub cap off!!!

First businessman: My business is so bad – I cant sleep at night.

Second businessman: My business is also bad, by I sleep like a baby: I wake up every two hours and cry.

1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB — $850/offer AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED. SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE… ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS. FREE PUPPIES…PART GERMAN SHEPHERD – PART DOG 2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15 TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800 COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED… ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE. 83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK — $2000 STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT — $15 FREE PUPPIES: COCKER SPANIEL – SNEAKY NEIGHBORS DOG FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG. SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE 89 cents GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE. FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR. WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL. FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME. FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) – $50 NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED CALL CHUBBIE BILLS SEPTIC CLEANING "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS" SHAKESPEARES PIZZA – FREE CHOPSTICKS FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT… BEEN OUT AWHILE.. BETTER BE REWARD. HUMMELS – LARGEST SELECTION EVER "IF ITS IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!" GET A LITTLE JOHN: THE TRAVELING URINAL HOLDS 2 BOTTLES OF BEER. HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB GEORGIA PEACHES – CALIFORNIA GROWN – 89 cents lb. NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED – USED ONCE SLIGHTLY STAINED FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT. AMERICAN FLAG 60 STARS – POLE INCLUDED $100 TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 – $9 PER HOUR. NOTICE: TO THE PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE: PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VICINITY ARE DEAD. EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS – $175. OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND ITS MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER. JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300. LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY. ALZHEIMERS CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb. GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL. BAR S SLICED BOLOGNA REGULAR OR TASTY SAVE 30 CENTS ON 2 OPEN HOUSE BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON FREE COFFEE & DONUTS KELLOGGS POT TARTS – $1.99 box FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN – $2.09 lb.