A preacher wanted to raise money for his church,
and being told there was a fortune in horse
racing, he decided to purchase a horse and enter
it in the races. However, at the local auction,
the going price for horses was so high that the
preacher settled on a donkey instead. The preacher
figured, since he bought the animal, he might as
well race it. To his great surprise, the donkey
did quite well and came in third place. The next
day, the racing sheets carried this headline: Preacher Shows AssThe preacher was so pleased with the donkey that
he entered it in the races again, and this time
the animal won first place. The paper said: Preachers Ass Out In FrontThe Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered the preacher not to
enter the donkey in any more races. The newspaper
printed this headline: Bishop Scratches Preachers AssThis was too much for the Bishop and he ordered
the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The
preacher decided to give the animal to a nun in a
local convent. The next day, the headlines read: Nun Has Best Ass In TownThe Bishop fainted. When he came around, he
informed the nun that she would have to dispose of
the donkey. The nun searched, finally finding a
farmer willing to buy the animal for ten dollars.
The paper stated: Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks!They buried the Bishop the next day.

PICK UP LINES YOU SHOULD SAY WHEN IN SHUL


THEY SHOULD WORK

1. Pray here often?


2. I must have great kavanah, because I think my prayers have just been answered.


3. This Social Hall may have been dedicated in 1946, but Ive been dedicated to you ever since you entered the room.


4. Hagbah is easy but picking up a girl like you is intimidating.


5. I see you are using the new linear siddur. Does that mean a lame one-liner might work on you?


6. You are the reason we need a mechiztah in this shul.


7. Since were in a beis knesset, do I have a chance of getting to base with you?


8. The rabbis sermons can put people to sleep. Care to hear his shiur together?


9. You know, I had my bris down the hall in this shul. Want to see where?


10. Dont let my tallis-bag fool you — I got it for my Bar-Mitzvah.


11. This kiddush ginger-ale is quite flat. Unlike you.


12. Just like the Ner Tamid, my love for you burns eternal.


13. Isnt this conspicuosly funny


14. Like the tenth man to make a minyan, you…complete…me.


15. You had me at Adon (Olam).


16. Like an incoherent chazzan, Id like to whisper sweet nothings in your ear.


17. I think Ive lost my page number. Can I have yours?


18. Wont you bimah, bimah baby tonight.


19. I may bless God that He did not make me a woman, but Im sure glad He made you one!


20. You know, I think you owe me a back rub; my neck is sore from noticing you up in the womens section all morning…


21. I notice that your Artscroll Siddur is dog-eared at Tehillim. Could I be what youve been praying for?


22. The Tenth Commandment prohibits us from coveting our neighbors property. I sure hope you live across town!


23. You must feel fortunate to have a minyan wherever you go, cause baby, youre a 10!


24. Do you wear a hat to shul even in warm weather? Would you like to?

How can there be self-help groups?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

How many weeks are there in a light year?

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

Yo mama so fat she influences the tides.

You might be a rednack if…

Youve ever worn hunters orange to church.

You have barnyard animals living in your house.

Every pair of jeans you own has a tobacco can ring worn in one of the rear pockets.

Your truck has a bumper sticker that reads, Gun control is a steady hand.

Your wife has ever torn her hose on the boogers stuck under the front of the pickup seat.

You have ever had a special loaded gun by the back door only for use on possums.

You have ever shot a possum on your porch.

You dont use a garbage service because it must be placed up near the mail box and you cant see far enough thru the trees to shoot the neighbors dogs when they get into it.

You only go to the dump when you have enough to fill up the pickup.

You have more than 500 rounds of ammunition in your house….not including 22 caliber.

You have guns in your house that you cannot find.

You think a night of fine dining is going to the Snack Bar at Wal-Mart while the automotive department is raising your truck another 8 inches.

You think Wal-Mart is expensive.

Youve got more guns On Display than Wal-Mart Sporting Goods.

You have ever written a check for less than a dollar.

Your horse wears shoes, but you dont.

It doesnt bother you when you walk through a barn barefooted.

You name your twin boys Jack and Daniel.

You ask your 10-year old son how to spell a word.

Your dog is your alarm clock.

Tratando de escapar de la policía, un ladrón entra a un centro comercial. El capitán ordena a los uniformados:

Quiero que me cubran todas las salidas. ¡No quiero que se escape!

Los guardianes del orden cubren todas las salidas del centro comercial; sin embargo, el ratero escapa.

¡Mi capitán, el ladrón se nos escapó!

¡¿Qué no les dije que cubrieran todas la salidas?!, responde furioso el jefe.

Es que el muy vivo se escapó por la entrada.

Pepito se levantó a mitad de la noche por un vaso de agua. Cuando pasaba por la recamara de sus padres escuchó muchos quejidos y suspiros; se asomó y sorprendió a sus padres en pleno concúbito. Antes de que su padre pudiera reaccionar, Pepito grita:

¡Bravo, el juego de montar a caballo! ¿Puedo montarme en tu espalda, papá?

Contento de que Pepito no hiciera preguntas indiscretas y viendo, además, la oportunidad de seguir en lo suyo, el papá acepta. Pepito saltó sobre su espalda y empezó a cabalgar muy contento. Pronto la mamá de Pepito comenzó a jadear y a hacer ruidos extraños. Entonces Pepito advierte:

¡Cuidado, papá, ésta es la parte donde el lechero se emociona demasiado y me tira!

Se encontraba Jesús junto a Pedro caminando por las calles de Jerusalem… cuando repentinamente un grupo de niños comienza a lanzarle piedras al Salvador.

Pedro enfurecido por la accion de los niños grita:

¡Hijos de la grandísima puta que se creen, muestren respeto al Hijo de nuestro señor!

A lo que Jesus le dice con toda serenidad: Pedro, dejad que los niños se acerquen a mi.

Pero, mi señor, esto no puede ser así.

Pedro, dejad que los niños se acerquen a mi… y cuando estén bien cerca, los dos les sacamos la puta a los huevones estos…

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up.As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. Wow, this is great, he thought.



It wasnt long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.



Hey, he called. Im a rabbit from the laboratory and Ive just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?

Yes. Come and join us, they cried.



Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. I tasted so good. What else do you wild rabbits do? he asked.



Well, one of them said. You see that field there? Its got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.



This, he couldnt resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful.



Later, he asked them again, What else do you do?



You see that field there? Its got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well.



The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. Is there anything else you guys do? he asked.



One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly.

Theres one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there, he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. Theyre girls. We shag them. Go and try it.



Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning shagging his little heart out until, completely spent, he staggered back over to the guys.

That was fantastic, he panted.



So are you going to live with us then? one of them asked.

Im sorry, I had a great time but I cant.



The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. Why? We thought you liked it here.



I do, our friend replied. But I must get back to the laboratory. Im dying for a cigarette!

Thick oatmeal. Rarely found on American tables as
children now have the right to sue their parents.
The name is an amalgamation of the words putrid,
horrid and sludge.