A blonde says to a brunette, Excuse me, but each time I sip my coffee, my eye seems to hurt. The brunette says, Well maybe you should take the spoon out of the cup.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Tripoli!
Tripoli who?
Tripoli play!

St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify for admittance to heaven.

Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates? he asks one of the men, who had been a butler.

I was a good father, he answers.

Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance.

St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the same question.

The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family.

But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been an impossible glutton, so much so that he married a woman named BonBon.

At this point the third man, who had been a lawyer, stood up and said, Come on, Penny, let’s get out of here.

This really tough Hells-Angel type bursts into a bar and strides up to the middle of the bar. He orders a beer, gulps it down, turns to the people at the left end of the bar and growls All you down there… Youre all a bunch of queer cock suckers! he gulps down a second beer and turns to the right side of the bar. Youre all a bunch of stupid mother fuckers.

All is still for a moment until a guy at the right end gets up. The Hells Angel says Where the fuck you going?

The guy says Im at the wrong end of the bar.

Ron and his new friend Arty were having a drink together, and were talking about their respective married lives.

I had sex with my wife before we were married, said Don, did you?

Gee, I dont know, answered Arty. What was your wifes maiden name?

This joke is bad taste, you have been warned.

Three vampires walk into a bar on a cold winter night.

They all three sit at the bar and the bartender asks the first vampire

What can I getcha? The 1st vampire says Ill have a beer, please

So, the bartender gets him a beer.

The bartender asks the 2nd vampire What would you like?

The vampire replies A beer please. So, the bartender gets him a beer.

The bartender then asks the 3rd and last vampire Sir, what can I get you? and the 3rd vampire replies A cup of hot water please.

The bartender obliges and asks the vampire, What are you gonna do with that hot water?

The third vampire pulls out a used tampon and dips it into his hot water and says Hot tea, its chilly out!

If Restaurants Functioned Like Microsoft





Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and Ill be your Support.

Waiter. What seems to be the problem?



Patron: Theres a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly wont be there this time.

Patron: No, its still there.

Waiter: Maybe its the way youre using the soup. Try

eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.



Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What

kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!



Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe its a configuration

problem. How was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to

do with the fly in my soup?!



Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you

noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!



Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup

of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.



Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check.

Im running late now.



[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup

and the check]



Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasnt ready yet.

Patron: Well, Im so hungry now, Ill eat anything.



[waiter leaves.]



Patron: Waiter! Theres a gnat in my soup!



The check:



Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00

Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50

Access to support . . . . . . . . . $1.00

what do u call an ethiopian that has sesime seeds on his head? quarter pounder

what do u call an ethiopian that has sesime seeds on his head w/ a yeast infection? quarter pounder w/ cheese

Wanna here a clean joke?
Im takin a bath with bubbles.

Wanna hear a dirty joke?
Bubbles is my next door neighbor.