Hijackers are allowed to pre-board
Mary Jo Buttafuoco walks through metal detector without her bullet setting it off
Machines sell insurance just for your time in the airport
White zone for unloading, red zone for reloading
You-know-who is there filming a Hertz commercial
As you board plane, gate attendant says You poor son-of-a-bitch
Runways have passing lanes
You have to go through a metal detector just to enter the gift shop
There are more shots being fired there than at the White House
Electronic scanning equipment made by Westinghouse

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.

Here is the situation, she said. A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he cant swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?

A girl raised her hand and asked, To draw out all his savings?

Dear Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply cant think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on. Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad

Klondikes

Q: How do you scare a man?
A: Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

Un tipo entra a un sexshop buscando algo interesante. Entonces, ve algo que le llama la atención: unas gafas, pero no unas gafas ordinarias sino unas especiales que permiten ver a la gente desnuda; ¡totalmente desnuda! Así que llama al dependiente y le pregunta:

Señor, ¿estas gafas funcionan?

Claro que sí.

¿Y cuánto cuestan?

Quinientos dólares.

¡Quinientos dólares! No puede ser.

¿Quiere ver a la gente desnuda o no?

Bueno, está bien.

Cuando el hombre sale a la calle, todo el mundo está desnudo, los hombres están desnudos, ¡las mujeres están desnudas!

Al llegar a su casa, entra sin tocar y se dirige a su habitación; al entrar, ve a su mejor amigo y a su mujer desnudos en la cama. El hombre se ríe ruidosamente y luego se quita las gafas, pero su esposa y su mejor amigo siguen desnudos. Entonces exclama:

¡Malditos cerdos, quinientos dólares y ya se dañaron las gafas!

Mujeres: Por favor nunca le digan alguna de estas frases a su pareja la primera vez que lo vean desnudo. Pueden menoscabar su autoestima y afectar su ego.

¿Por qué no me abrazas simplemente y seguimos siendo amigos?

¿Sabías que ahora hacen maravillas con la cirugía?

¿Sabes que existe una torre parecida en Italia?

Parece que hoy tuviste un día muy pesado…

¡Oh, no! Me ha dado un repentino dolor de cabeza.

¿Puedo ser honesta contigo?

¡Qué bueno que tienes tantos otros talentos!

¿Tanto frío tienes?

Mejor no. No vayamos a arruinar una bonita amistad.

Quizá se vea mejor con luz natural.

Lo lamento, se me ha hecho tarde. Será mejor que me vaya.

No me río de ti, sólo que me he acordado de un chiste buenísimo que no te puedo contar.

Un marica llega llorando muy angustiado a contarle a su novio que le acaban de diagnosticar SIDA. El compañero lo consuela y le dice:

No llores, amorcito, mira, ponte por las noches una mascarilla de barro.

El homosexual, emocionado, le pregunta:

¿Y con eso me voy a curar, cuchi cuchi?

No, pendejo, pero te vas a ir acostumbrando a la tierrita.

A little girl asks her Mom, May I take the dog for a walk around the block?



Mom says, No honey, the dog is in heat.

Whats that mean? asked the child.



Go ask your Father. I think hes in the garage.

The little girl goes to the garage and says, Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom but she said the dog was in heat and said I should ask you.



Her Dad said, Bring Susie over here.



He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dogs rear end with it and said, Ok, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block.



The little girl leaves and returns a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.



Her Dad asks, Wheres Susie?



The girl replies, Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block -and theres another dog pushing her home!

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc. . ).

23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out Forget this! and walk out triumphantly.

25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i. e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyones done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)

26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!

28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling Im here, the phantom of the opera until they drag you away.

30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.