How many Jewish American Princesss does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call Daaaaddy.

People usually deserve each other

This skeleton goes into a bar, and asks for a beer and a mop…

A squirrel is chillin in a tree when a cow climbs up and sits next to him.
Whatcha doin here? asks the squirrel.
Im here to eat some apples.
But this is a pine tree!
I know. I brought my own apples.

(This happened about 15 years ago to my father-in-law, who worked at
the time for the anti-trust division of the justice department.)

The justice department was trying a case against a company in New
York, who had engaged the senior partner of the biggest law firm
there, Alan Dean, to defend them. My father-in-law represented
the Justice department.

There was a LOT of evidence and each side had their own idea about
how to refer to the exhibits. My father in law went by the school
of 1A, 1B, 1C, 2A, 2B etc, while Alan Dean went by A, AA, B, BB, BBB, C.

At one point, well into the trial, a piece of evidence for the
defense was labeled PPPP. The judge was about half asleep
but this reference caught his attention.

Judge: Mr. Dean, what number was that exhibit?

Alan Dean: Pee pee pee pee your honour.

(the courtroom and judge giggles, every time pee pee pee pee is
mentioned)

Judge: (smirk) Mr. Dean, please abbreviate your exhibit names
from, for example, pee pee pee pee to 4Ps.

AD: Yes your honour. Id like to display the next piece of evidence.

Judge: What number would that be, Mr. Dean?

AD: 4Q, your honour.

Said the Buddhist to the hot dog vendor: "Make me one with everything."

A business owner decides to take a tour around his business and see how things are going. He goes down to the shipping docks and sees a young man leaning against the wall doing nothing.

The owner walks up to the young man and says, Son, how much do you make a day?

The guy replies, 150 dollars.

The owner pulls out his wallet, gives him $150, and tells him to get out and never come back.

A few minutes later the shipping clerk says to the boss, Have you seen that UPS driver? I left him standing around here?

A Chicago man dies and goes to hell.

When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here.

The man says, No problem. Im from Chicago.

So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then goes back to the Chicago man to see how hes doing. To the devils surprise, the man is doing just fine.

No problem…just like Chicago in June, the man says.

So the devil goes back over to the thermostat, and turns the temperature up to 150, and the humidity up to 90. He then goes back over to see how the Chicago man is doing.

The man is sweating a little, but overall looks comfortable.

No problem. Just like Chicago in July, the man says.

So now the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 200, and the humidity up to 100. When he goes back to see how the man is doing, the man is sweating profusely, and has taken his shirt off. Otherwise, he seems OK.

He says, no problem. Just like Chicago in August.

Now the devil is really perplexed. So he goes back to the thermostat, and turns the temperature down to MINUS 150 DEGREES. Immediately, all the humidity in the air freezes up, and the whole place (meaning Hell) becomes a frigid, barren, frozen, deathly cold wasteland.

When he goes back now to see how the Chicago man is doing, he is shocked to discover the man is jumping up and down, and cheering in obvious delight. The devil immediately asks the man whats going on.

To which the Chicago man replies…..

THE CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!

THE CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!

Seen on a bloodied, ripped T-shirt: I LOVE MY PIT BULL.

The car wont start, said a wife to her husband. I think theres water in the carburetor. How do you know? said the husband scornfully. You dont even know what the carburetor is. Im telling you, repeated the wife, I m sure theres water in the carburetor. Well see, mocked the husband. Let me check it out. Wheres the car? In the swimming pool.