Q: What do you get when you cross a sherpa and a mountain goat?
A: Nothing. you cant cross two scalars.

This man shows up at his doctors office to get patched up. He has obviously been severely beaten about the head and shoulders. His doctor tapes him up and asks him, What in the hell happened to you?

You wont believe this doc, it happened in church.

In church? How?

The minister told us all to stand and sing hymn 317. When we stood up, I noticed the woman standing in front of me had her dress pushed up her butt. So I reached forward and pulled it out. She beat the crap out of me with her umbrella.

Several weeks later, the man shows up at his doctor, all beaten up again. Again the doctor patches him up and asks him about what happened.

It happened in the same church.

Again?

Yes. The minister told us to all stand and sing hymn 317. When we stood up, the same woman was in front of me, with her dress up her butt. The woman standing next to her noticed that and pulled it out. I knew she didnt like that, so I reached forward and pushed it back in.

We had a couple over to dinner the other night and the woman was complaining about her male boss. Mrs JimJr, trying to console her, said simply, When it comes to women, all men become idiots, when theyre the boss.

I piped up and said, Hey, now wait just minute there, I was a boss.

Tilting her head in my direction, Mrs JimJr said to the lady, See???

58 Actual Newspaper Headlines

(collected by journalists)

1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

6. Farmer Bill Dies in House

7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

9. Stud Tires Out

10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again

13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

15. Eye Drops off Shelf

16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

19. Shot Off Womans Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death

23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree

25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in 84

30. War Dims Hope for Peace

31. If Strike isnt Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

35. Deer Kill 17,000

36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

41. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

50. Air Head Fired

51. Steals Clock, Faces Time

52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff

53. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

54. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

55. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

56. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction

57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

58. Include your Children When Baking Cookies

Prudes and Virgins Digest, v.1 #6 (NOT13) Mon Dec 5 15:12:04 PST 1988

WARNING: This digest may contain material not suitable for
Readers Digest. Do not read if you find this type of
material offensive.

Contributions: pvdigest@ernie.Berkeley.EDU
Comments: nj@ernie.Berkeley.EDU
Mailing List requests: pvdigest-request@ernie.Berkeley.EDU

The Prudes and Virgins Digest is freely redistributable.

— nj

Date: Thu, 1 Dec 88 11:15:22 PST
Author: Reginald
Topic: Interesting positions I have discovered
Contact: reg3

Good evening.

Recently, whilst engaged in–well, lets be perfectly frank,
this is an open forum after all–intercourse with my wife, i
discovered an amazing new position, in which the female partner
occupies what might be called the dominant or top position, rather
than the more proper bottom position. We were curious as to whether
anyone else has tried this revolutionary concept. Were rather afraid
to admit it in public, since I think it falls outside of the bounds of
general decency and propriety…but, as the common people say, life is
too short not to live it up a little, eh what?

Reginald

Date: Thu, 1 Dec 88 21:43:05 PST
Author: Jonathan
Topic: A question
Contact: jonp

Ive been thinking about…er…well, you know, and…um…I was just
wondering if…if…you know…has anyone ever had any experience doing…
I mean does anyone know any good techniques for…oh never mind.

Date: Fri, 2 Dec 88 10:02:33 PST
Author: GERTRUDE
Topic: KISSING
Contact: gert5

DEAR PRUDES AND VIRGINS DIGEST.

MY BOYFRIEND KEEPS TELLING ME IT IS OKAY TO KISS EACH OTHER ON THE LIPS AND
NOT KEEP OUR LIPS PUCKERED SECURELY. IS THIS NORMAL?

GERTRUDE

Date: Fri, 2 Dec 88 11:15:56 PST
Author: Robert
Topic: confessions…
Contact: robertw

ive never told anyone else about this before, but i thought
you all might like to hear about it. it all started one night when i
was studying for a physics test all alone in a classroom and this girl
walked in and sat down and started studying. i couldnt help but
notice her most prominent features. i had a hard time concentrating
on my textbook. all i could think about was introducing myself to
her. i imagined myself walking up to her–actually walking up to a
real woman–and GREETING her. i reached down and started idly playing
with my calculator as i fantasized. i thought of asking her out for
frozen yogurt. i thought of accidentally brushing against her round,
soft hands. i couldnt stand it. i had to do it. but then she got
up and left.

Date: Fri, 2 Dec 88 16:49:23 PST
Author: Samuel
Topic: What turns you on?
Contact: samt

Hey I dont know about all you guys but I get really aroused whenever a girl
says, Have a nice day to me. Is this weird? Should I go see a shrink?
The short women in Willow really turn me on to.

Date: Sat, 3 Dec 88 15:35:01 PST
Author: Linda
Topic: hi
Contact: lindal

um hi im new to this sex thing but the guy im with keeps telling me
its ok im not supposed to enjoy it as much as he does,,,is that right?
and what does he mean when he tells his friends she dont care ive
only got three inches? thankyou

Date: Fri, 2 Dec 88 13:22:42 PST
Author: Melville
Topic: Hot digitized pix!
Contact: mel2

Hey dudes, I got lots of ]<OOL digitized pictures. Theyre all very
–>REVEALING<– if you know what i mean *wink*. Ive got Betty White
in a low-cut gown, Ive got Oprah Winfrey in a miniskirt (and I do
mean MINI!!!) and the best of them all is my pic of LINDA RONSTADT
wearing a BIKINI!!!!! And if THAT dont turn you on you MUST be
weird!!! Write me for more info!!!!!! (I want to TRADE too…Ive
been looking for a good Shirley Jones for MILLENNIAS!!!!)

Date: Sat, 3 Dec 88 17:12:29 PST
Author: Patrick
Topic: Bondage
Contact: rickb

Hello–

Does anyone know anything about bondage? Is it like, male bonding?

Thanks.

Patrick

Date: Sat, 3 Dec 88 18:22:03 PST
Author: Elizabeth
Topic: Nightwear
Contact: lizb

Dear Prudes and Virgins Digest,

This is ever so awkward, but i was wondering what your readers would
consider to be…ummm….attractive… in the way of nightwear. Do the
readers prefer cotton, flannel or rayon full length nightgowns? Is there
a tendency towards prints or solids? Fitted or roomy?

This is truly a burning question on my mind, as just the other evening as
my husband Percy and I were each reading various excerpts from Better Homes
and Gardens Do-It Yourself Guide to Home Remodeling and Percy commented
that perhaps to lend excitement to our marriage in much the same way our
new storm windows add pizazz to our living room I should invest in some new
nightwear. I hope your readers can assist me in my shopping endeavors.

Elizabeth

Date: Sat, 3 Dec 88 20:49:13 PST
Author: J. Jacob
Topic: Re: Oral Majority
Contact: jjc

Thats DISGUSTING! You are SICK SICK SICK!!! To think that they even LET
people like you in…why, why Ill bet you even vote DEMOCRAT!!!! Brother
Falwell should kick ALL of you commie bastards out!!!!!!!

Date: Sat, 3 Dec 88 23:13:52 PST
Author: Hanna
Topic: Wild fantasies
Contact: hrb

Dear P and V Digest

Just the other day I engaged in the most unbelievable
fantasy :^). I needed to study for my Chaucer exam and
ducked into what Id hoped to be an unused classroom.
Well, this was the furthest from the truth. There was a
young man in this room, but I was feeling a bit, shall we
say devil-may-care, and i brought my books in and sat in a desk
about two or three rows over from the young man. He was
quite attractive, what with his neatly manicured hands and
crisply shaved sideburns, and his shirt was neatly pressed
as well. I very much wanted him to approach me, and to
offer me a refreshment of some sort. We could discuss
literature or this seasons choice of music here with the
University Symphony or perhaps the social happening next week
at the Christian Center. My thoughts ranged even further into
the future, about how, if we were married, we could have wild,
frenzied family picnics.

His shoes were neatly buffed, and he was reading what appeared
to be some scientific manual or text, and he must have
been an intelligent and well-mannered young man, and he would
been an excellent conversationalist, and, well, just thinking
of him talking to me got me so….ruffled…. i just had to
go get a lemonade from the Cafeteria and I left quickly
even before I could review my most recent notes.

Hanna [[ last name
withheld–nj ]]

PS–Please assign an alias and a mailbox to me; many people
in my school read News and I wouldnt want them to get the wrong
impression of me.

End of Prudes and Virgins Digest

The pet store was selling them for $5 a piece. I thought that odd since they
were normally a couple thousand each. I decided not to look a gift horse in the
mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was
Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept
punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals.
I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didnt adapt very well to their new
environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds
and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its
novelty halfway into its third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all
died. No apparent reason. They all just sort of dropped dead. Kind of like when
you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys.

I didnt know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on
the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200
throw rugs.

I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didnt work. It got stuck. Then I had
one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.

I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while,
that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad.

I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didnt want to call
the plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately there was
only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30
seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didnt all go bad.

I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to
extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my
freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasnt
improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the
bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.

I tried throwing them way but the garbage man said that the city wasnt allowed
to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldnt
take that one either. I didnt bother asking about the frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends
didnt know quite what to say. They pretended that they like them but I could
tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.

I like monkeys.

Lets face it, there are a lot of dumb people out there. Sometimes you want to express how stupid they really are and heres how…

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

As smart as bait.

Doesnt have all his dogs on one leash.

Doesnt know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.

Elevator doesnt go all the way to the top floor.

Forgot to pay his brain bill.

His belt doesnt go through all the loops.

If he had another brain, it would be lonely.

Missing a few buttons on his remote control.

Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.

Receiver is off the hook.

Surfing in Nebraska.

An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

A few beers short of a six-pack.

A few peas short of a casserole.

The cheese slid off his cracker.

Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.

Couldnt pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud hiss-pop noise. The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold, explains the guide. The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple.Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop noise. Wait a minute! says the man taking the tour. I understand what the hiss, hiss, is, but whats that pop every so often? Oh, its just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine, says the guide. It pokes a hole in every fourth condom. Well, that cant be good for the condoms! Yeah, but its great for the baby-bottle nipple business!

In the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal, the AOL/Netscape deal, and the HP/Compaq deal, here are the next bombshell mergers. Investors should expect the following. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Company merge to become Hale Mary Fuller Grace. Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become Polly Warner Cracker. 3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to become Zip Audi Do Da. Federal Express and UPS merge to become FED UP. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will merge to become Fairwell Honeychild. Grey Poupon and Dockers Pants will merge to become Poupon Pants. Knotts Berry Farm and National Organization of Women will merge to become Knott NOW.

An Australian goes to buy a condom at a nearby chemist.

The lady behind the counter gives a choice of three types. German, French, and Australian.

Whats the difference, he asks?

Well, the Germans are quite active. They have 7 in the pack. One for Monday, one for Tuesday, and so on. The French are very passionate people. They have 8. One for Monday, and so on, and 2 on Sundays. The Australians, well, they have 12.

At this, the Australian swells up with pride, Really 12?

Yes, 12. One for January, one for February…