Old and New Jokes

Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton, and Bill Gates were invited on the eve of the millennium to have dinner with God. After a little bit of small talk, God informed them that he would be destroying the earth the next day. Upon returning to earth, they each made announcemnts."I have two piece of bad news," said Boris Yeltsin. "One, God does exist. Two, all of the earth will be destroyed tomorrow.""I have some good news and some bad news," said Bill Clinton. "First, the good — God does exist. And the bad — the earth will be destroyed tomorrow.""I have some great news!" said Bill Gates. "One, Im one of the three most important people on earth. Two, weve got this Y2K thing solved!"

A: You dont. Theyre born that way.

Veterinarians have evening hours.
Your kitten wont be able to disturb the whole movie with its
crying. Hell, you dont even have to take the kitten with you,
and if you dont, you dont even have to worry about whether or
not the sitter is available tonight.
Your kitten wont grow out of those cute but expensive clothes
within three months.
Kittens look cute if they havent had a bath in a month.
You probably dont have to lie awake nights wondering how
youre going to finance your kittens college education.
No one will accuse you of being an unfit mother if you dont
want to breast feed your kitten.
Dan Quayle cant accuse you of destroying the moral fabric of
the country if you arent married to the father of your kitten. In
fact, nobody will ever ask you if you know who the father is.
No one will question your abilities to function normally at
your job when they hear you just got a kitten.
You only have to change the litter box once a day.

Attributed to dcohen@paul.rutgers.edu

John and Mary get married. They are in love, but they are poor (cue music). While trying desperately to make ends meet, Mary hits on a lucrative but hardly novel idea.

John, she peeped. I have an idea to help us pay off our bills and start that savings account.

John, being a practical man and loving his new wife dearly, listens attentively.

John, Im willing to have sex for money to help us out.

John, at first, is shocked by the idea. This is his wife, after all. But, with Marys coaxing and his own dismay at being broke, he caves.

He makes one stipulation: Ill get the men for you, he vows stolidly. Ill set everything up and protect you.

So, as it happens in jokes like this, John finds Marys first trick. They meet in a diner downtown to discuss the final arrangements…

Hes waiting in the hotel across the street. Heres the room number. Dont take any crap. If he gives you any trouble, Im right here.

Mary enters the hotel, finds the room and meets her man.

So, how much is it? asks the man.

In a panic, Mary says, Wait right here. Ill be right back!

She darts across the street and asks her husband. He says, Charge him $100.

Mary runs back across the street and tells the man.

But, Ive only got $70. How much can I get for that?

Of course, Mary doesnt know. She heads back across the street and again asks her husband. He says, Just give him a blow job.

Mary returns and informs the man. He seems satisfied with this and begins to undress, revealing a 12 inch erection.

Mary stares, asks him to wait and runs back across the street to her husband.

John is amazed that she is back again. Whats wrong? Is everything okay?

Oh, everything is great. But … can we lend him $30?

Lonely? Looking for your ideal partner? Here are some tips on what to expect.

First the women:

40-ish48
AdventurerHas had more partners than you ever will
AthleticFlat-chested
Average lookingUgly
BeautifulPathological liar
Contagious SmileBring your penicillin
EducatedCollege dropout
Emotionally SecureMedicated
FeministFat; ball buster
Free spiritSubstance user
Friendship firstTrying to live down reputation as slut
FunAnnoying
GentleComatose
Good ListenerBorderline Autistic
New-AgeAll body hair, all the time
Old-fashionedLights out, missionary position only
Open-mindedDesperate
OutgoingLoud
PassionateLoud
PoetDepressive Schizophrenic
ProfessionalReal Witch
RedheadShops the Clairol section
ReubenesqueGrossly Fat
RomanticLooks better by candle light
VoluptuousVery Fat
Weight proportional to heightHugely Fat
Wants SoulmateOne step away from stalking
WidowNagged first husband to death
Young at heartToothless crone

The males description:

40-ish52 and looking for 25-yr-old
AthleticSits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average lookingUnusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
EducatedWill always treat you like an idiot
Free SpiritSleeps with your sister
Friendship firstAs long as friendship involves nudity
FunGood with a remote and a six pack
Good lookingArrogant
HonestPathological Liar
HuggableOverweight, more body hair than a bear
Like to cuddleInsecure, overly dependent
MatureUntil you get to know him
Open-mindedWants to sleep with your sister but shes not interested
Physically fitI spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself
PoetHas written on a bathroom stall
SpiritualOnce went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday
StableOccasional stalker, but never arrested
ThoughtfulSays Please when demanding a beer

Johnny (age 8) comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today. He says that he played baseball and then he proposed to Betty (age 7) the next door neighbor. They are going to get married.

His parents think this is cute, and they dont want to make fun of Johnny so they ask Johnny him How are you and Betty going to pay for the expenses of being married?

He replies Well with the $1 I get each week from you and the $1 she gets from her Mom and Dad, we should do o.k.

His father says Thats fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses if you and Betty have a baby?

Johnny answers Well, so far, weve been lucky …

1) Page yourself over the intercom. Dont disguise your voice. 2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you. 3) Make up nicknames for all your co-workers and refer to them only by these names. "Thats a good point, Sparky." "No, Im sorry, but Im going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha." 4) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what youre doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, Ill be in the bathroom." 5) Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you havent lost them as much since you did this. 6) While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive. Call everyone Madge. 7) Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee, a printout, or whatever, slap yourself at random the whole way. 8) Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people youre waiting for your document. 9) Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they want fries with that. 10) Send e-mail back and forth to yourself, engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement. 11) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing. 12) Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN". 13) Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers. 14) Send e-mail messages saying theres free pizza, donuts, or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh youve got to be faster than that." 15) Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

An Englishman was recently asked about the differences between
English and American people.

He said there were three:

1. We speak English and you dont.

2. When we hold a World Championship for a particular sport, we invite teams from other countries.

3. When you meet the Head of State in England, you only have to go down on one knee.

There once was a man who could not keep it going with his wife.

He went to the doctor who gave him some sex pills. There was a label on the bottle that said Take one pill for a great night. The man thought that he wanted a stupendous night so he downed the whole bottle.

In the morning the neighbors came over to find the mans son sitting on the porch crying.

Whats wrong? they said. The boy replied, Moms dead, sisters pregnant, my butt hurts and dads in the basement yelling here kitty

One night a man walked into a bar and saw a beautiful women sitting at the bar. He walked up to her and asked how much is it for a hand job?

The women replied $500 dollars sir

$500 dollars! That’s a lot of money are you any good?

Well sir you see that car out there?

The women pointed to a sleek black Dodge Viper.

Yes, said the man.

Well, I paid for that car with all the money I made doing hand jobs, with that statement the man agreed to the service.

The next night the same man walked into the same bar and went up to the same beautiful women and asked Miss, do you do blow jobs?

“Why yes I do, it costs $80

$80 Wow!, are they any good because that’s a lot of money.

Well you see that building out there?

The woman pointed to a company office building.

Yes said the man.

Well, I paid for that company with all the money Ive made doing blow jobs! the man agreed and the women did the service.

The very next night the same man walked into the same bar and went to the same beautiful woman at the bar and asked Miss would you have sex with me?

To which the woman replied, You see that island out there?

The woman pointed to Manhattan Island, the man said dont tell me, you paid for that island with the money you made by having sex with people?

No, but I could have bought that island with the money I made by having sex with men if I had a vagina!