A haggard old lady was riding in a posh hotels elevator. On the second floor, a beautiful woman steps on, smelling divine. She says arrogantly to the old lady, Georgio, $100 an ounce. On the next floor, an equally beautiful women steps on, smelling lovely as well. She turns to the two other women and says, Chanel, $150 an ounce. The old ladys floor is approaching and as the doors open, she looks at the two young ladies, bends over, farts and says, Broccoli, 49 cents a pound.

The young Ensign approached the crusty old Chief and asked him about the origin of the commissioned office insignias.

Well, Ensign, its history and tradition. First, we give you a gold bar representing that youre valuable BUT malleable. The silver bar of a Lieutenant Junior Grade represents value, but less malleable. When you make Lieutenant, youre twice as valuable so we give you two silver bars.

As a Captain, you soar over military masses, hence the eagle. As an Admiral, youre obviously a star. That answer your question?

Yeah, but what about Commanders and Lieutenant Commanders?

Now that goes waaaaaay back in history. Back to the Garden of Eden even. You see, weve always covered our pricks with leaves …

Hearts and roses and kisses galore…

What the hell is all that shit for?

People get mushy and start acting queer

It is definitely the most annoying day of the year

This day needs to get the hell over with and pass

Before I shove a dozen roses up Cupids ass

Ill spend the day so drunk I cant speak

And wear all black for the rest of the week

Guys act all sweet, but it soon will fade

For all they are doing is trying to get laid

The arrow Cupid shot at me must not have hit

Because I think love is a crock of shit

So theres the story… what else can I say?

Love bites my ass… Fuck Valentines Day!

Sadie and Yetta, two Jewish widows, are talking

Sadie: That nice tailor, Morris Finkleman asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.

Yetta: Vell…. Ill tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctual like a clock. And like such a mensch he is dressed. Fine suit, wonderful lining. And he brings me such beautiful flowers you could die from. Then


he takes me downstairs, and whats there but such a beautiful car…..a limousine even, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner….Marvelous dinner. Lobster, even. Den ve go see a show…..Let


me tell you Sadie, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then, we are coming back to my apartment and into an ANIMAL, he turns. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!

Sadie: Oy! Vey…so you are telling me I shouldnt go out with him?

Yetta: No…No… Im just saying, wear an old dress.

There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field. She was in a boat rowing, with no water in sight. The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, “What do you think youre doing? Its things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, Id come out there and kick your butt!”

HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, humor, stimulate, stroke, console, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch,entertain,sacrifice for, charm, fascinate, attend, trust, grovel, defend, coax, brag about, understand, clothe, respect, entertain, kill for, commit, snuggle, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize, worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.

HOW TO SATISFY A MAN

Show up naked ….. and bring beer.

A frog leaps out of the magical forest where he has lived all his life and into a real forest. Since he lived in the magical forest he has magical powers. He sees a bear chasing a rabbit and thinks to himself, this isnt right, everyone should live in peace. So he stops the bear and rabbit and tells them that if they stop chasing each other hell give them both three wishes. The bear thinks for a second and wishes that all the rest of the bears in the forest were female. Poof, all of them are female. Next the rabbit wishes for a crash helmet. The bear looks at the rabbit wondering why he would want a crash helmet. The bear thinks for a second making sure he makes a good second wish and wishes that all the rest of the bears in the country were female. Again — poof — all the rest became female. Then the rabbit wishes for a motorcycle. Now the bear steps back and looks at the rabbit in amazment. How dumb is this rabbit he thinks to himself. All he had to do was wish for money and he could buy all the motorcycles he ever wanted. This has to be the dumbest creature the bear has ever seen, he thinks to himself. It is time for the bears final wish and he takes a second to think and makes sure he doesnt waste it. After a minute he wishes that all the other bears in the whole world were female. And again poof they are all female. Next the rabbit puts on his helmet and jumps on the bike. He turns around and smiles. Then he says, I wish that that bear is gay.

Element:MAN
Symbol:Xy
Common Name(s):Varies anywhere from John to !@#$&*!
Atomic Weight:180 +/- 100
Physical Properties:Solid at room temperature but easily gets bent out of shape. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young, fresh samples.
Chemical Properties:Attempts to bond with Wo (element Woman) any chance it can get. Also, tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (element Kid) for a prolonged period of time. Pretty basic. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage:None really, except methane production. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution:In the absence of Wo, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid. Sing along with these new takes on old favorites:

Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly
We three kings of porridge and tar
On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me
Later on well perspire, as we dream by the fire.
Hes makin a list, chicken and rice.
Noel, Noel, Noel, Noel … Barneys the king of Israel.
With the jelly toast proclaim
Olive, the other reindeer.
Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say
Sleep in heavenly peas
In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown
Youll go down in Listerine
Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay
O come, froggy faithful
Youll tell Carol, Be a skunk, I require
Good tidings we bring to you and your kid

A man was feeling very depressed. He walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch whiskey. AS the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, Thats quite a heavey drink. Is something wrong?

After quickly downing his drink, the man replied, I got home today and found my wife in bed with my best friend.

Wow, exclaimed the bartender as he poured the man a second triple scotch, No wonder you needed a stiff drink. This ones on the house. As the man finished the second scotch, the bartender asked him, So what did you do?

I walked over to my wife, the man replied, looked her straight in the eye, and told her ethat we were through. I told her to pack her stuff and to get the hell out.

That makes sense, said the bartender, but what about your best friend?

I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye, and said, Bad dog!