Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to stand on a chair and change it and one to say I wish I was up there !

Seven Degrees Of Blonde
ONE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. Thewife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, How should I know, thats 200 miles from here! and hung up. The husband said, Who was that?

The wife said, I dont know; some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.

TWO
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, Hmm, this person looks familiar. the second blonde says, Here, let me see! So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, You dummy, its me!

THREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, No, honey, dont do it.
The blonde replies, Shut up, youre next!

FOUR
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them. A friend says, OK, whats the capital of Wisconsin?
The blonde replies, Oh, thats easy: W.

FIVE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? Is it mine?

SIX

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously,
she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. My God! the trooper gasped. Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK maam?
Yes, officer, Im just fine the blonde chirped.
Well, how in the world did this happen? the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
Officer, it was the strangest thing! the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was….
Uh, maam, the officer said, cutting her off, There isnt a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth.

SEVEN
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K_9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K_9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, Whatll it be buddy?

The man says, Set me up with five whiskey shots, and make em doubles.

The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all five are gone almost as quickly as they were served.

Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why hes doin all this drinking.

Youd drink em this fast too if you had what I have.

The bartender hastily asks, What do you have pal?

The man quickly replies, I have a dollar.

Un escritor llegó a un pueblo situado en medio de la nada, porque se le ocurrió que de allí podría sacar un nuevo libro, basado en las anécdotas que pudieran tener sus pobladores.

Con esa idea, fue a buscar al hombre más viejo del pueblo y al encontrarlo le explica:

Mire, ando recopilando datos para escribir un libro. ¿No tendrá alguna historia cómica y ligera que pudiera yo transmitirle al mundo? ¿Algo que haya usted vivido en este pueblo y que recuerde con frecuencia?

Ah sí, una vez se perdió la esposa del Chuy, ese que vive ahí tras lomita. Pues se llegó la noche y que no aparece la señora. Así que nos reunimos todos los hombres del pueblo y nos armamos con un buen cargamento de mezcal y nos metemos al monte a buscarla. Pasados varios días, pues que la encontramos y como ya andábamos un poco locos por el mezcal, pues que uno por uno le hacemos el amor a la esposa del Chuy.

El escritor se asombra del morbo con que el anciano recuerda las cosas y se asusta, piensa que no puede contar eso que sucedió.

Uy, ¿no tendrá algo más cómico, algo que le haga reír a usted y a todos los del pueblo? No sé, tal vez algo inusual, qué sé yo.

Pues sí, una vez, se perdió una chiva del Luis. Que se llega la noche y no recala el animal. Nos reunimos todos los hombres del pueblo, nos armamos con un buen cargamento de mezcal y nos metemos al monte a buscarla. Pasados los días la encontramos y, como ya andábamos un poco locos por el mezcal, uno por uno se apañó a la chivita.

El viejo degenerado estalla en risas. El escritor piensa que el viejo está loco y que sería mejor cambiar el carácter del tema, para que ya no contara esas cosas.

¿Y no tendrá otra historia? No sé, algo más dramático y triste que haya vivido. Algo que pueda conmover a los demás y que pueda yo libremente contar en mi libro.

El viejo mira al suelo y se le nubla la vista. Con un nudo en la garganta y las lágrimas rodando por sus mejillas declara:

Pues, una vez me perdí yo…

¡Te pierdo de vista cinco minutos, y te encuentro en la cama con nuestro invitado de honor!, se indigna el novio.

¡Ya basta, por favor!, protesta la noviecita. Tu madre me había dicho que tienes mal carácter… ¡Pero eso de pensar que me ibas a hacer una escena de celos el día de nuestro matrimonio!

There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, Im going to try to swim to shore. So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The second one, the redhead, said to herself, I wonder if she made it. I guess its better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve. So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

So the blonde thought to herself, I wonder if they made it! I think Id better try to make it, too. So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, fifteen miles, and finally nineteen miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, Im too tired to go on! So she swam back.

Did you hear about the [ethnic] lady who was called upon to use her
diaphragm so often she kept it tacked to the headboard of her bed?

Q. If youre Australian going into the bathroom and American coming out, then what were you inside the Batroom?

A. European (Youre a-peein)

One day a farmer caught a traveling salesman making love to his youngest daughter. Yelling You son of a bitch! he shot the amorous salesman in thegroin with a .12-gauge shotgun.

The screaming salesman quickly took off for town to find a doctor. He found one, but the physician took one look at the mans perforated pecker and told him that nothing could be done for him.

Oh, please do something, begged the salesman. Im a rich man and can payyou anything.

Sorry, son, said the doctor. Theres nothing I can do. However, theres a man across the street who might be able to help.

Oh? Is he a specialist? asked the salesman.

No, said the doctor, hes a piccolo player. Hell teach you how to hold it without pissing in your face.

When operating a firearm, safety is paramount. Here are some tips to reduce the risk of mishaps:

Instill in your children a healthy fear of guns by drunkenly waving one in their faces whenever youve had a few too many.
If you shoot yourself in the foot, immediately contact a therapist to help you confront your fear of success.
Dismantle your gun and melt it into a plowshare.
Have spouse and children wear blaze orange and shout, Family coming through! when moving from room to room in your home.
Unload gun each night by firing into ceiling, counting each bullet in screamed German.
Store your gun at least four feet from your liquor cabinet.
Never let your child play with a gun that is loaded.
Stress to your children that guns are only for shooting bad people. Make sure they know the difference between good and bad people by having them name examples of each from their daily lives.
Boil your bullets to prevent transmitting germs to people you shoot.
Never use a firearm to settle a poker dispute, unless its the absolute last option.
Shoot a puppy at point-blank range to illustrate to your children the seriousness of guns.
When preparing to pistol-whip someone, make sure the safety is on.
Dont leave bullets on the floor where you can slip on them. Thats the real killer.

(c) Copyright 2001 Onion, Inc.