A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, If it werent for my money, the house wouldnt be here! The wife replied, My dear, if it werent for your money I wouldnt be here.

A bartender was washing glasses one afternoon when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, Is that Jesus down there? The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.

The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too.



The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that Gods Boy down there? The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too.



As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, For your kindness, you are healed! The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door.



Jesus touched the Italian and said, For your kindness, you are healed! The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door. Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, Dont touch me! Im drawing disability!

yo mama is so hairy she has afros on her nipples!





yo mama soooo hary when u were born u got rug burn!!!





yo mama sooo hairy when she sees a bear she sings we r family!!!







yo mama soooo ugly that a blind man wouldnt have sex with her!!!





yo mama sooo ugly she makes the blind kids cry at the daycare!!!





yo mama so stupid she put a batery up her but and yelled ive got the power!!!





yo mama like a door nob every one get a turn!!





yo mama like a matress shes always laid!!!





yo mamas like block buster every one goes home happy!!





yo mama like a biycecle every ones riding her!!!





yo mama like a drum shes getting baned 24-7 !!!





yo mama sooo dumb when i said christmas is around the corner she went looking for it!!!





yo mama soo ugly she had to tie a steak to her neck to take the dog for a walk!!!





yo mama like a bowling ball she get picked up fingered and laid and always comes back for more!

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

16. Carry old orange juice around with you everywhere you go.

Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they always point upward from the floor.

I dont go to church. Kneeling bags my nylons.

People have one thing in common: they are all different.

Yo mama so fat she plays pool with the planets.

A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, Hey, lady! Youre really ugly!" The lady was furious and continued on her way.On the way home, she passed by the petstore again and the parrot once more said "Hey, lady! Youre really ugly!" She was incrediblyticked now, so she wentinto the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The storemanager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didnt say it again.The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. "Hey, lady!" it said."Yes?""You know."

1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED

– We are still pissing in the wind.

2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM

– We just hired three kids fresh out of college.

3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION

– We know who to blame.

4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH

– It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.

5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED

– We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.

6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE

– The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.

7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING

– We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.

8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED

– The only person who understood the thing quit.

9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS

– It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.

10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT

– Forget it! We have enough problems for now.

11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL

– Lets spread the responsibility for the screw up.

12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING

– Well listen to what you have to say as long as it doesnt interfere with what weve already done.

13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION

– I cant wait to hear this bull!

14. SEE ME or LETS DISCUSS

– Come into my office, Im lonely.

15. ALL NEW

– Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.

16. RUGGED

– Too damn heavy to lift!

17. LIGHTWEIGHT

– Lighter than RUGGED.

18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT

– One finally worked.

19. ENERGY SAVING

– Achieved when the power switch is off.

20. LOW MAINTENANCE

– Impossible to fix if broken.