your daddy so bold when he weres a turtle neck he looks like a broken condom

En Argentina, va un tipo conduciendo su auto por la Panamericana. En eso, ve a alguien parado al costado de la ruta, doblado de dolor.

¡Alfredo, pero si es Alfredo! ¿Qué le habrá pasado?

Detiene el vehículo y baja.

¡Alfredo, hermano! ¿Qué pasó?

Mirá, dice Alfredo, señalando algo y continuando con su terrible gesto de dolor.

Y ahí yace, hecha una pelota de fierros retorcidos, una impresionante Ferrari.

¡Pero, Alfredito, querido, si con el dinero que vos tenés, te podés comprar como 10 de esas! ¡Vamos, hermano!

No, mirá adentro, dice Alfredo, mientras sigue doblado sobre si mismo.

Y al mirar adentro de la Ferrari, una rubia impresionante, hecha pelota.

Bueno, Alfredo, pero vos podés conseguir 10 Ferraris y 100 rubias como ésa, ¡vamos, arriba el ánimo!

No, mirá adentro… mirá adentro de la boca de la rubia.

What do you call Magic Johnson on rollerblades?



ROLLAIDS!

Perfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands, but English women only hope to find in their butlers. — W. Somerset Maugham

You might be a redneck if…
You mow your lawn and find a car.

A football player passes a burning building, and sees a young woman and her baby hanging out the window. The football player stops and yells to the woman, Throw down your baby and Ill catch it!

The woman responds, I cant throw my baby to you, I dont know you!

Its okay, shouts the football player, Im in the NFL, I can catch anything!

The woman yells out OK! and drops the baby from the top floor. Just as it reaches about 50 ft. from the ground, a gust of wind grabs the baby and sends it flying. The football player chases after it, desperately stretching, trying to catch the baby.

By this time quite a crowd has gathered. The baby is falling towards the ground. Can he make it? The football player dives, and makes the catch!

The crowd goes wild!!!

The football player gets up, yells All Right!!!, starts dancing … and spikes the ball!

You might be a redneck if Bambi made you hungry for rabbit!

Bush to Be Smitten Later Today

In a stunning development this morning, God invoked the one nation
under God clause of the Pledge of Allegiance to overrule last nights
Supreme Court decision that handed the White House to George Bush.

Im not sure where the Supreme Court gets off, God said this morning
on a rare Today Show appearance, but Im sure as hell not going to
lay back and let Bush get away with this bullshit.

Ive watched analysts argue for weeks now that the exact votecount in
Florida will never be known. Well, Im God and I do know
exactly who voted for whom. Lets cut to the chase: Gore won Florida
by exactly 20,219 votes.

Shocking political analysts and pundits, Gods unexpected verdict
overrules the official Electoral College tally and awards Florida to
Al Gore, giving him a 289-246 victory. The Bush campaign is analyzing
Gods Word for possible grounds for appeal.

Gods ruling is a classic over-reach, argued Bush campaign
strategist Jim Baker. Clearly, a divine intervention in a U.S.
Presidential Election is unprecedented, unjust, and goes against the
constitution of the state of Florida.

Jim Bakers a jackass, God responded. Hes got some surprises ahead
of him, let me tell you. Hot ones, if you know what I mean.

God, who provided the exact vote counts for every Florida precinct,
explained that bad balloting machinery and voter confusion were no
grounds to give the White House to a friggin idiot. Look, only 612
people in Palm Beach County voted for Buchanan. Get real! The rest
meant to vote for Gore. Dont believe me? Ill name them: Anderson,
Pete; Anderson, Sam, Jr.; Arthur, James; Barnhardt, Ron…

The Lord then went on to note that he was displeased with George W.
Bushs prideful ways and announced that he would officially smite him
today. In an act of wrath unlike any reported since the Book of Job,
God has taken all of Bushs goats and livestock, stripped him of his
wealth and possessions, sold his family into slavery, forced the
former presidential candidate into hard labor in a salt mine, and
afflicted him with deep boils.

Dick Cheney will reportedly receive leprosy.

Q. Does everyone know about the new breakfast cereal that just came out, its called Prostitutes?

A. It doesnt snap, crackle or pop. It just lies there and bangs.

Did you hear?

The Energizer bunny has been arrested for Battery.