Una mujer está fornicando con su amante cuando llega el marido. Rápidamente, la señora le pide al tipo que se comporte como un pintor; éste toma un recipiente y se coloca en una pared simulando ser pintor.

¿Qué pasa aquí?, pregunta el esposo al entrar al cuarto.

Mi amor, ¿te acuerdas que yo te dije que iba a pintar el cuarto?

Sí, pero ¿y este tipo por qué está desnudo?

Es que yo soy un pintor tan pobre, que me quito la ropa para no ensuciarla.

Consternado, el esposo dirige la vista pintor, pero repara en que éste tiene el miembro erecto.

Óigame, ¿y por qué eso está erecto?, reclama el hombre.

¿Y dónde cree usted que yo coloco el recipiente de pintura?

Im Glad Im A Woman



Im glad Im a woman, yes I am, yes I am

I dont live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam

I dont brag to my buddies about my erections

I wont drive to Hell before I ask for directions

I dont get wasted at parties and act like a clown

and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!

I wont grab your hooters, I wont pinch your butt

my belt buckles not hidden beneath my beer gut

and I dont go around readjusting my crotch

or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch

I dont belch in public, I dont scratch my behind

Im a woman you see — Im just not that kind!

Im glad Im a woman, Im so glad I could sing

I dont have body hair like shag carpeting

It doesnt grow from my ears or cover my back

When I lean over you cant see 3 inches of crack

And whats on my head doesnt leave with my comb

Ill never buy a toupee to cover my dome

Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side

Im a woman, you know — Ive got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me

to have these two boobs and squat when I pee

I dont live to play golf and shoot basketball

I dont swagger and spit like a Neanderthal

I wont tell you my wife just does not understand

stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band

or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep

then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, Im glad Im a woman, a woman you see

you can forget all about that old penis envy

I dont long for male bonding, I dont cruise for chicks

join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick

Im a woman by chance and Im thankful its true

Im so glad Im a woman and not a man like you!

A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands. — Guitry

Hugh Downs Four Rules for Investigating the Universe: Rule 1 – When confronted with an apparent infinite or infinitely repeating pattern, expect some variant that keeps it from being infinite. Rule 2 – When all investigation supports Rule 1, look for a situation which violates it. Rule 3 – Be prepared for an infinite oscillation between Rules 1 and 2. Rule 4 – Apply Rule 1.

Biermans Laws of Contracts: (1) In any given document, you cant cover all the what ifs. (2) Lawyers stay in business resolving all the unresolved what ifs. (3) Every resolved what if creates two unresolved what ifs.

Jack goes to the doctor and says Doc Im having trouble getting my penis erect, can you help me?

After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, Well, the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. Theres really nothing I can do for you unless you are willing to try an experimental treatment.

Jack asks sadly, What is this treatment?

Well, the doctor explains, what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis.

Jack thinks about it silently then says, Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, lets go for it.

A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city.

In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being uncomfortable. To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly.

His penis immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll and then returned to his pants.

His girlfriend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile, That was incredible! Can you do that again?

Jack replied, Well, I guess so, but I dont think I can fit another roll in my ass.

There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine.

Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.

She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up.

Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet? She looked at him and indignantly replied: Well Duhhh!, Im still winning

Because the snowblower was on its way.

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed… driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, What the hell is taking so long? Hit the damned ball!

The guy answers, My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.

Give me a break! You dont stand a snowballs chance in hell of hitting her from here.

How does Ozzy Osbourne change a light bulb?

Well, first he bites the head off the old one…