Knowledge without insight is like a horse in the library.

If Teddy Roosevelt were alive today, he probably would have said, Walk softly and carry an Uzi. Sadly, well never know. –Lev L. Spiro

Change is not made without inconvenience, even from worse to better. –Richard Hooker

A great way for to lose weight is to eat naked in front of a mirror. Restaurants will almost always throw you out before you can eat too much. –Frank Varano

Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.

Brookes Law: Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.

Some people reach the top of the ladder of success only to find it is leaning against the wrong wall.

Flons Law: There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs.

Its easy to identify people who cant count to ten. Theyre in front of you in the supermarket express lane. –June Henderson

Preudhommes Law of Window Cleaning: Its on the other side.

Be careful of your thoughts: They may become words at any moment.

There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. –Mark Twain

If youre not part of the solution, youre part of the precipitate.

Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute. –Josh Billings

Love is sentimental measles.

Put your Nose to the Grindstone! –Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.

New Years Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his age, and his wife most often reminds him to act it. –Websters Unafraid Dictionary

We learn from experience. A man never wakes up his second baby just to see it smile. –Grace Williams

Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest. –Rev. Larry Lorenzoni

The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us is right.

In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable. –Winston Curchill, of Montgomery

May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a Thousand Caramels.

Heaven goes by favor, if it went by merit, you would stay out, and your dog would go in. –Mark Twain

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldnt have said.

We really dont have any enemies. Its just that some of our best friends are trying to kill us.

If youre going to do something tonight that youll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. –Henny Youngman

Thanx to Keiths Mostly Clean Humor & Weird (McHaw) List.

By the time John pulled into the little town every hotel room was taken.

Youve got to have a room somewhere. he pleaded. Or just a bed – I dont care where.

Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, admitted the manager, and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. Im not sure itd be worth it to you.

No problem, the tired traveller assured him. Ill take it.

The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

Howd you sleep? asked the manager.

Never better.

The manager was impressed. No problem with the other guy snoring, then?

Nope. I shut him up in no time?

Howd you manage that?

He was already in bed, snoring away. when I came in the room, John said. I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, Goodnight, beautiful, and he sat up all night watching me.

2 old ladies were outside smoking and one of the ladies put a condom on her cigarette before lighting it. The other lady looked and said What are you doing?
The first lady says Oh, I just put this here condom on this cigarette and it gives it more flavor not to mention it keeps it dry when it rains. Just go to any store and get them.
So the first lady goes to the pharmacy and asks the pharmacist if they have condoms.
Well, of course we do….but do you mind if I ask how old you are?
75 the lady responds.
Well good for you! Nice to see you are stil active. What kind of condoms do you need?
The lady thinks for a moment and says
Oh, anything that will fit a Camel.

SantaSingh got up in the middle of the night to answer the telephone.

It was Banta Singh.Is this one one one one?, says the voice.

No,
this is eleven eleven.

Are you sure it isnt one one one one?

No,
this is eleven
eleven.

Well, wrong number. Sorry to have got you up on the middle of the
night.

Thats all right, mister. I had to get up to answer the telephone anyway.

Fat and docile, big and dumb,

They look so stupid, they arent much fun,

Cows arent fun.

They eat to grow, grow to die,

Die to be et, the hamburger fry,

Cows well done.

Nobody thunk it, nobody knew,

No one imagined the great cow guru

Cow Se Tongue.

He spoke about justice, but nobody stirred;

He felt like an outcast, alone in the herd,

Cows doldrums.

He mooed We must fight, escape or well die,

Cows gathered around, cause the steaks were so high,

Bad cow pun.

But then he was captured, stuffed into a crate,

Loaded onto a truck, where he rode to his fate.

Cows are bummed.

He was a scrawny calf, who looked rather woozy,

No one suspected he was packing an Uzi –

Cows with guns.

Knocked over a tractor and ran for the door,

Six gallons of gas flowed out on the floor,

Run, cows, run!

He picked up a bullhorn, jumped up on the hay,

We are free roving bovines, we run free today!

We will fight for bovine freedom, and hold our large heads high,

And we will run free with the buffalo, or die!

Cows with guns.

They crashed the gate in a great stampede,

Tipped over a milk truck, torched all the feed,

Cows have fun.

Sixty police cars were piled in a heap,

Covered in cow pies, covered up deep,

Much cow dung.

Black smoke rising, darkening the day,

Twelve burning McDonalds,

Have it your way.

The President said Enough is enough!

These uppity cattle, its time to get tough.

Cow dung flung.

The newspapers gloated; folks sighed with relief.

Tomorrow at noon, they would all be ground beef.

Cows on buns.

The cows were surrounded. They waited and prayed.

They mooed their last moos. They chewed their last hay.

Cows outgunned.

The order was given to turn cows to whoppers,

Enforced by the might of ten thousand coppers –

But on the horizon surrounding the shoppers,

Came the deafening roar of chickens in choppers.

There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a plane. Ten were blonde, and one was a brunette.

They all decided that one person should get off because if they didnt then the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette said, Ill get off.

After a really touching speech from the brunette saying she would get off, all of the blondes started clapping.

Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, I want you to help me get a divorce.

The Lawyer says OK, what are your grounds.

My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with.

What do you mean? asked the attorney. Does he force you to indulge in unusual sex practices?

No, replied the woman, and neither does the little queer.

A young boy is doing poorly in math at public school. His mother decides to send him to a private Catholic school to rectify the situation.

Lo and behold, after a semester in the new private Catholic school, the boys grades were straight As, even in math!

Surprised, his mother asked him how he liked his new school.

Oh, its all right, I guess, he replies.

They must be teaching you some new tricks!

Not really.

Then what do you think is making the difference in your math grades?

Well, he says, as soon as I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business!

It was a miserable hot day in Dallas and these two black whores were walking down the street when one (Mary Jane) says to the other (Eloise), Eloise, honey, it is so hot out here today, why dont we take off our panties sos we be cool Eloise says, Oh, I dont know Mary Jane, I be too embarrassed.

So they walk on a bit farther and pretty soon Mary Jane says, Eloise, honey, I just cant stand this heat. We jess gots to take off our panties sos we be cool? And Eloise says, Mary Jane , I juss cant, Id be too embarrassed. So, they continue for a few more blocks, when suddenly Mary Jane stops and points to the porch of a house where an enormous black woman is sitting with her skirt hiked up to her navel, no panties on and eating a watermelon. She says, Eloise, honey, look up there on the poch of dat house. Jess look at dat. Ill bet she be cool.

And Mary Jane says, Less go axe her. So they shuffle up on to the porch of the house and Eloise says, Big Fat Mama, you sittin up here on the poch of dis house, what with yo skirt hiked up to you navel, no panties on and eating dat watermelon….. tell us… is you cool?

And the woman says, Honey child… I dont no nuffin a bouts being cool, but it sho do keeps the flies off my watermelon!

Venancio le dice a Manolo en tono solemne:

Manolo, tu mujer te engaña con otro.

¡Con otro! ¿Y cómo es él?, pregunta sorprendido.

Es moreno, alto, de barba…

Ah, es el mismo, yo pensé que en realidad me engañaba con otro, interrumpe Manolo quitándole importancia.