St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.

Very well, said the gatekeeper of Heaven. But you realize, I hope, that weve got all the good players and the best coaches.

I know, and thats all right, Satan answered unperturbed. Weve got all the umpires.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

-Ashleigh Brilliant

Yo mama so stupid she tried to wake up a sleeping bag.

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, Children, Id like you to close your eyes and taste these.

The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.

Ill give you a hint, said the teacher. Its something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time.

Instantly, one of the kids coughed his onto the floor and shouted,

Spit em out, theyre assholes!

Higherarchy: government by the tall
Knockknockracy: rule by whoever is there
Maytreearchy: rule by a government that leaves in the spring
Hipocracy: rule by the in crowd
Plutocracy: Mickey Mouse government gone to the dogs
Woodstockracy: Free rule, man

Why does it take two cops to arrest a Mexican?

It takes one to write the ticket, and one to hold the oranges.

Has someone told you a joke that you find isnt very funny? Do the following and it should be much more interesting:1) Eat nothing but candy for the next two days. Chocolate and marshmallows work best.
2) Take a caffeine pill every 4-6 hours. Do not swallow with water, use pink lemonade.
3) Search the internet for pictures of penguins, monkeys, platypuses, or other amusing animals.
4) Make a recording of several coffee grinders on at once.
5) After being hopped up on sugar and cocaine, lock yourself in a bright room and play your tape of coffee grinders. Start this at noon.
6) At 7:00 the next morning (Dont fall asleep!) Have someone repeat the joke that you found to not be funny. Also, make them dress up like the amusing animal you found pictures of.
7)Now, you should be so tired and so hopped up on sugar and caffeine that your friends joke will be funny. Heck, this joke might even me funny!:-)

Children were called upon in a classroom to make sentences with words chosen by the teacher. The teacher smiled when Jack raised his hand to participate. She gave him the words defeat, deduct, defense, and detail. Jack stood seriously for a while with all eyes focused on him awaiting his reply:

Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail!

Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
I.R.S.: Weve got what it takes to take what youve got.
Im just driving this way to tick you off.
Reality is a crutch for people who cant handle drugs.
Keep honking, Im reloading.
Hang up and drive.
Guns dont kill people, postal workers do.
Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
I said no to drugs, but they just wouldnt listen.
Friends dont let Friends drive Naked.
If we arent supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Diplomacy is the art of saying Nice doggie!… till you can find a rock.

Received from William Conway.

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus 1.0
marketing name: Fiancee 1.0. Recently he upgraded Fiancee 1.0 to Wife 1.0
and its a memory hogger, it has taken all his space; and Wife 1.0 must be
running before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0
came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw. Some features Id
like to see in the Upcoming GirlFriend 4.0…

A Dont remind me again button

Minimize button

Shutdown feature

An install shield feature so that Girlfriend 4.0 can be completely
uninstalled if so desired (so you dont lose cache and other objects)

A Remote control for the these features would be a nice upgrade.

I tried running GirlFriend 2.0 with GirlFriend 1.0 still installed, but they
tried using the same i/o port and conflicted. Then I tried to unistall
GirlFriend 1.0 but it didnt have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall
it by hand, but it put files in my system directory. Another problem with
all versions of GirlFriend that Ive used is that it is totally object
oriented and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts.

***** BUG WARNING *****

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1
before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before
doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install,
claiming insufficient resources.