An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

All set back here, Captain, came the reply, except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards.

Whats the recipe for Clinton stew?

Put a tiny weenie into real hot water.

Estaban dos compadres y le dice uno al otro:

Oigame, compadre, tengo ganas de coger.

Yo también, compadre.

Ayúdeme compadre. Usted le hace primero de mujer y luego yo le duvuelvo el favor.

Va pues, compadre.

Ya habiéndose puesto de acuerdo, se encontraban en eso cuando le dice el compadre que la estaba haciedo de mujer:

Oiga, compadre, regáleme un besito.

¡Nombre, compadre, esas ya son culeradas!

Q: Why dont blind people skydive?
A: It scares the heck out of the dog.

Because thats how many minutes it will take to boot up!
Because thats how many diskettes will come with the installation package.
Thats how many MEG of RAM you will need.
Thats how much space it will take up on your hard disk.
Because thats the year they will ANNOUNCE the product. (delivering it is another issue!)
Thats how many pounds the manual will weigh.
Thats the number of bugs that will be discovered in the productin its first year.
Thats how many minutes you should expect to stay on hold when calling for support.
Thats how many million brain cells the average IS person will loose installing it on their network.
Thats the number of windows applications that will not work correctly without requiring an upgrade.

…and realizes its actually a chocolate bar and eats it all.

There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and offered the hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner. After a while he started advancing on her when she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man.

Its O.K., He replied, its written in the Bible.

So after a wild night of sex the hat check girl asked to see where in the Bible it says its okay.

The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone wrote in pencil: The hat check girl puts out!

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me

A dime bag of Panama Red

On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me

Two hits of acid

And a dime bag of Panama Red

On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me

Three snorts of coke

Two hits of acid

And a dime bag of Panama Red

On the forth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me

Four pink pills

Three snorts of coke

Two hits of acid

And a dime bag of Panama Red

On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me

Five pounds of hashish

Four pink pills

Three snorts of coke

Two hits of acid

And a dime bag of Panama Red

On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me

Six joints a smoking

Five pounds of hashish

Four pink pills

Three snorts of coke

Two hits of acid

And a dime bag of Panama Red

On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me

Seven cubes of crack

Six joints a smoking

Five pounds of hashish

Four pink pills

Three snorts of coke

Two hits of acid

And a dime bag of Panama Red

On the eight day of Christmas, my true love gave to me

Eight healthy roaches

Seven cubes of crack

Six joints a smoking

Five pounds of hashish

Four pink pills

Three snorts of coke

Two hits of acid

And a dime bag of Panama Red

On the ninth day, everybody ODd and they were all rushed to St. John General Hospital where they were given nine wiffs of nitro, and nine bottles of Valium. Then everybody ODs on Valium and they all die horribly…

Q: Whats the difference between a girl and a toilet?

A: A toilet doesnt want to cuddle after you drop a load into it.

3 guys go into a bar. The booze begins to flow pretty heavily in the course of the evening and the guys get split up. Next morning theyre all at work discussing what went on after they lost one other…

The first guy says, Man I was so trashed last night I went home and blew chunks!

The second goes, Shit thats nothing I was so tanked that I drove my damn car into a tree. Totaled it. I have no idea what the cops are going to do!

The third guy says, Thats nothing I was so drunk that I went home and starting cussing my girlfriend out and in the process knocked over a candle and it caught the whole damn apartment on fire – the insurance wont cover it, plus my girlfriend left me.

The first guy leans back in and whispers, I dont think you guys understand, Chunks is my dog.