One night a lady pregnant with triplets was walking by and a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her in the stomach three times.

Her docter told her that he couldnt perform surgery because it would be too risky.

All was well for 16 years when one of the girls came running into the room crying.

Whats wrong? asked the mother.

I was taking a pee and a bullet came out.

Its ok said the mom and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later the other girl came running into the room crying, I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out?

Yes replied the girl.

Its ok said the mom and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later the boy came running in crying, I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out. No replied the boy, I was playing with myself and shot the dog!!!!!!!!

A priest, a minister and a rabbi all walk into a bar. The bartender takes one look and says, What is this – a joke?!

Give the bitch a shovel!

You never miss any important phone calls because youre in the tub.

True Story about my 14 month old grandson, Alex:

We took him to the local mall shopping one day, and used a kiddy harness to keep track of him, since hes an active little dickens and loves to walk and explore.

As we stood watching the marvel of the escalator, a teenager headed up the stairs and said, quite loudly, Look at that kid, he looks like a little dog on a leash.

Alex promptly looked at him and said, Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark!

Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?

When its time to go back to childhood, hes already there.

Q: Whats cannibalism?

A: Germans eating pork …

Q: How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast?

A: They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving.

Q: Why cant a german get AIDS?

A: He has no friends.

An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says,

Were having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive

The four open the door and look out below.

The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers God Save The Queen and jumps.

The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers Viva La France and he also jumps.

This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers Remember the Alamo and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being pay-day, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheque.

When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him.

How would you like it if you didnt see me for two or three days?

To which he replied.

That would be fine with me.

Monday went by and he didnt see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

One juror overheard saying to another. . .

Youll notice that neither the prosecutor nor defense attorney swore to tell the truth!