Men, want to know where you stand in the rough-and-tumble, give-and-take
world of relationships? Heres your score card from the Mens Journal
of Health.
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and
points are subtracted. You dont get any points for doing something she
expects– sorry, thats the way the game is played.
Simple Duties
You make sure theres plenty of gas in the car +1
You make sure there are barely enough fumes
in the car to make it to the nearest gas station -1
You take out the recyclables and stack them neatly by the curb. +1
You take out the recyclables at 4:30 pm, just as the truck
pulls away. -1
You load the dishwasher whenever you dirty a dish +1
You leave them under the bed -5
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners
with wings. +5
But return with beer. -5
You leave the toilet seat up -1
You replace the toilet-paper roll when its empty 0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex. -1
When the Kleenex runs out, you shuffle slowly
to the next bathroom -2
You make the bed +1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets -1
You check out a suspicious noise at night. 0
You check out a suspicious noise and its nothing 0
You check out a suspicious noise and its something +5
You pummel it with a six iron.+10
Its her father-10
Social Engagements
You stay by her side the entire party 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a
college drinking buddy. -2
Named Tiffany -4
Tiffany is a dancer -6
Tiffany has implants. -8
When mingling, you hold your mates hand and gaze
at her lovingly. +1
When mingling, you introduce her as the ol ball and chain
and pat her on the rump -5
When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if
you think she is attractive, you say, Yes, but nowhere near
as attractive as you. +1
When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think shes
attractive, you say, Yeah, but dont worry, shes lousy
in bed -6
That woman is her sister-90
You have one drink, and thats it 0
You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle -2
You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted.-18
Things Of A Disgusting Nature
You unclog a stopped-up toilet +6
You clean up cat, dog or human vomit +7
You get rid of a dead rodent +8
You remove the collie from the thresher+12
You take her mother to see Cats+16
Saturday Afternoon
You go to the mall together +3
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then
park the car +4
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive
to a sports bar -2
You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it +3
You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional 0
You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk. +3
Most of it chips and beer -6
You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den.+15
Or refinishing the floors+16
Or rewiring the basement+17
Or adding a second floor+18
Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket -6
And youre tickled pink about it.-15
You visit her parents +1
You visit her parents and actually make conversation +3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television -3
And the television is off -6
You spend the afternoon watching football in your underwear. -6
And you didnt even go to college-10
And its not your underwear-15
Her Birthday
You take her out to dinner. 0
You take her out to dinner and its not a sports bar +1
Okay, it is a sports bar -2
And its all-you-can-eat night -3
Its a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colors of your favorite team-10
You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player +3
You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up
and sing +4
And you stink +2
And youre not half bad. +5
You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and youre escorted out
to much applause. -2
You give her a gift 0
You give her a gift, and its a small appliance.-10
You give her a gift, and its not a small appliance +1
You give her a gift, and it isnt chocolate +2
You give her a gift that youll be paying off for months.+30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day-10
With her credit card.-30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big.-40
Thoughtfulness
You forget her birthday completely-10
You forget your anniversary-20
You forget to pick her up at the bus station.-25
Which is in Newark, New Jersey-35
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast-50
A Night Out With The Boys
Go out with a pal. -5
And the pal is happily married -4
Or frighteningly single. -7
And he drives a Trans Am-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)-15
You have a few beers. -9
And miss curfew by an hour.-12
You get home at 3 am.-20
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars-30
And not wearing any pants-40
Is that a tattoo???-200
Her Night Out
You watch the kids while she goes out with her annoying work
friends. +5
She goes out with her annoying work friends,and she comes home
late.+10
You wait up.+15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed+20
She comes home late and drunk, and you gently put her to bed,
but not before she pukes in the bathroom.+25
Which you clean up+35
A Night At Home
You watch TV together 0
You rent a movie +1
You rent a movie and its SENSE & SENSIBILITY +3
Its SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout +5
Its SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep. -1
Its SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool -2
A Night Out
You take her to a movie. +2
You take her to a movie she likes +4
You take her to a movie you hate (anything with Barbara Streisand) +6
You take her to a movie you like. -2
Its called DeathCop 3 -7
Which features cyborgs having sex -9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans and
sheepdogs-15
Flowers
You buy her flowers only when its expected 0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it +5
You give her wildflowers youve actually picked yourself.+10
And she contracts Lyme disease-25
Your Physique
You develop a noticeable potbelly-15
You develop a potbelly and exercise to get rid of it+10
You develop a potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts -5
Grooming
You trim your nails +5
You trim your nails in the living room.-10
You trim your nails and flick them at the cat-15
You shave on the weekends +2
You dont shave on the weekends -4
You dont bathe on the weekends either. -8
But then, neither does she. +8
Finances
You spend a lot of money on something impractical -5
Something she cant use.-10
Such as a motorized model airplane-20
And your kid needs braces-30
In fact, all four of the kids need braces.-120
Driving
You lose the directions on a trip -4
You lose the direction and end up getting lost-10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town-15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close
and personal-25
She finds out you lied about having a black belt-60
The Big Question
She asks, Do I look fat?
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
. -5
You hesitate in responding.-10
You reply, Where?-25
Communication
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying
what looks like a concerned expression 0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes +5
You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the TV+10
She realizes this is because youve fallen asleep-10