Un hombre fue a ver a su doctor para consultarlo sobre la falta de apetito sexual de su mujer. El doctor le dio una botella de píldoras y le dijo: Antes de que su esposa de duerma, dele un vaso de leche con dos de estas píldoras y verá cómo se pone…

Esa noche, el tipo hace lo que el doctor le recomendó, pero piensa: Por qué ha de tener ella sola toda la diversión, y se toma el resto de las píldoras.

Después de media hora los dos se duermen. De pronto, la mujer se levanta en la cama, golpea a su marido y dice, ¡Querido, querido, levántate! ¡Necesito un hombre ahora mismo!

El marido se sienta en la cama y grita, ¡Yo también, yo también!

A college boy and his girlfriend went out the night before their major exams. Both of them were totally pissed out of their minds when

they got back home. The next day they were so hungover they



missed most of their class. When they finally showed up, their was only 15 min. left in class before papers had to be turned in. They told the professer that their cars tire popped and they couldnt flag down a ride. The professer uh huhed with sympathy and told them they could write the exam the next day. The next day they came in and were sent into different rooms. The cover of the test said, this will determine all I need to know. They opened the test and saw there was only one question. Which tire was it?

A Polar Bear goes into a bar and says, Can I have a gin . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . tonic please?
The barman serves him and says, Why the large pause?
Polar Bear says, Dont know, Ive always had them!

A woman was going to marry one of those guys that wanted a virgin.

Since she was not, she went to a doctor to reconstruct her hymen.

The doctor told her it would cost around $500, but there was

another way that would cost only $50.

The woman agreed to try the cheap way, paid the money, and the

doctor worked on her for several minutes.

After the first night of intimacy, the woman came back to the

doctor and told him that it was perfect. The pain, the blood,

everything was there. And she asked him how he did it.

Simple…I tied your pubic hairs together!

A man holding a parrot came running and screaming into a veterinarians office. The vet immediately brought him into an examining room and carefully examined the parrot, and then said to the man, Im sorry, but this bird is dead.The man began to cry, No! No! That cant be true! I want another opinion.The vet thought a second, then said, Okay, and left for the back office. He returned with a black Labrador retriever. The black Lab sniffed the bird and finally gave a low woof sound and looked up at the vet. The vet said to the man, The dog thinks that the bird is dead too.The man said, I dont believe it! I want another opinion!The vet then left with the black Lab and came back with a cat. He placed the cat on the examination table and the cat walked over to the bird and sniffed and nudged the bird again and again. Finally the cat shrugged its shoulders and walked away from the bird.The vet said, The cat thinks its dead too.The man sighed and said, I guess youre right. How much do I owe you?The vet said, That will be $2,000 please.The horrified man said, Two thousand bucks! Just to tell me my bird is dead? Thats ridiculous! Thats outrageous!The vet then said, Well, I was going to charge you just fifty bucks, but then I had to include the Lab fees and the Cat scan!

In France, the young assistant pastors do not live in the main rectory. That is
reserved for the pastor and his housekeeper.

One day the pastor invited his new young assistant pastor to have dinner at the
rectory. While being served, the young pastor noticed how shapely and lovely the
housekeeper was and he wondered…

After the meal was over, the middle-aged pastor assured the young priest that
everything was purely professional and that she was the housekeeper and cook and
that was that.

About a week later the housekeeper came to the pastor and said, Father, ever
since the new assistant came for dinner, I have not been able to find the
beautiful silver gravy ladle. You dont suppose he took it, do you?

The pastor said, Well, I doubt it but Ill write him a letter. So he wrote,
Dear Father, Im not saying that you did take the gravy ladle and Im not
saying you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been
missing since you were here for dinner.

The young assistant received the letter and he answered it as follows, Dear
Father Pastor, Im not saying that you do sleep with the housekeeper and Im not
saying that you do not sleep with the housekeeper. But I do know for sure that
if you slept in your own bed… you would have found the gravy ladle by now!

Ben & Jerrys new Israeli ice cream flavors:


Wailing Walnut


Moishmallow


Mazel Toffee


Rashi Road


Chazalnut


Oy Ge-malt


Cherry Bim


Cherry Bum


Mi Ka-mocha


Lemontashens


Manishta Nut


Abba Ebanana


Bernard Malamint


Cashew LePesach


Chuppapaya


Choc-Eilat Chip


Simchas TOreo

All flavors come in a Cohen

A business man urgently needed to talk to his star employee so he called him at home on a Saturday. He was very surprised when the phone was answered before the first ring was even complete. A small boys voice whispered on the other end:Hello?
Is your father at home?
Yes, the boy whispered.
Can I speak to him?
No, hes busy.
Is your mom home?
Yes
Can I talk to her?
No, the voice said still in a whisper.
Is there anyone else there?
Yes, the boy whispered, The fireman and the policeman, but theyre busy talking to mom and dad.
The man was getting frustrated now, but he heard a loud noise on the other end of the line. Whats that noise
The little boy replied in an awed whisper: Its a helicopter! Theyre landing a helicopter on our lawn.
Angrily the man shouted What are all those people doing over there?!?
and the answer came:
SHHH! Looking for me

A German and an American werte having a rather heated arguement about the quality of their respective countrys brews. This went on for a good half hour when the German said: Look. Ill prove it to you

Whereupon, he poured a couple of ounces of Bud into a specimin jar and sent it off to a testing lab for analysis.

Well, about two weeks later, a letter arrives from the lab which read as followes:

Dr. Ben D. Over

Q: Why do blondes wear red lipstick?

A: Because red means Stop, wrong hole.