I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldnt come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

I cant come in to work today because Ill be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac.

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

Ive used up all my sick days…so Im calling in dead

The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

The dog ate my car keys, So now I have to hitchhike to the vet.

Okay konspiracy lovers, the squadron leader for unmarked black helicopters has spilled the beans about the whole Foster Konspiracy:

It seems Bill Klinton (aka Devil Spawn, Klaytaxocchio, Billary, OurPhilanderInChief, etc.) Invited Vince FOSTER and Henry FOSTER over to the secret Hillary Condo for an evening which included consumption of large quantities of FOSTERs Lager followed by a trip to the FOSTERs Freeze for ice cream. Vince FOSTER got into an argument with Bill Klinton over the use of drug money laundered through the Whitewater accounts used to finance the construction of the aforementioned black helicopters. Vince FOSTER was done in by Hillarys personal OneWorldGovernmentGuard and spirited away, once again using the unmarked black helicopters.

Dr. FOSTERs involvement in the Konspiracy is even more astounding. It seems that OurPhilandererIn Chiefs ways have taken seed a couple of times and it has been Dr. FOSTERs job to find FOSTER homes for the illicit offspring. Of course all the abortions Dr. FOSTER performed were for Klaytaxocchios indiscretions.

The final question is motive. Why has Bill Klinton done all these dastardly deeds? The answer is surprisingly simple: It was to impress actress Jody FOSTER!

Quote from a recent meeting: We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done.

Quote from the Boss… I didnt say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you.

A motivational sign at work: The beatings will continue until morale improves.

A direct quote from the Boss: We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired.

My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. Thats because its unfamiliar territory.

My Boss said to me What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier.

My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain.

Hes given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.

Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.

Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: Im sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!

HR Manager to job candidate I see youve had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means youre under-qualified for our entry level positions.

Quote from telephone inquiry Were only hiring one summer intern this year and we wont start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss daughter finishes her summer classes.

College Classes For Men:

1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop

2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge

3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding

4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead

5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum?: You CAN Tell the Difference!

6. If Its Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I

7. If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Wont Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II

8. Going to the Supermarket: Its Not Just for Women Anymore!

9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In

10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In

11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink

12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Lets Wash Those Towels!

13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When Youre About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!

14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill

15. Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts

16. No, The Dishes Wont Wash Themselves: Knowing the 4 Limitations of Your Kitchenware

17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!

18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What Fourth Down and Ten Means

19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut

20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Dont Fall Under the Action/Adventure Category or selecting movies that dont star John Wayne on television

21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote

22. I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!: Why Women Laugh

23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Lets Clean the Closet

24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Lets Clean Under the Bed

25. I Dont Know: Be the First Man to Say It!

26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty

27. Directions: Its Okay to Ask for Them

28. Listening: Its Not Just Something You Do During Halftime

29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesnt Mean You Can Fix It

Yup theyre gonna open some 300 Pizza huts back in the ole USSR. I can just
see the promotion campaigns:

With each pizza get a free glass from our Heroes of the Revolution
collection. Collect the RIGHT set…

What do you get when you cross a dog with a telephone?
A golden receiver!

10. Your opening line is: So, whats your URL?9. You see a beautiful sunset, and you half-expect to see Enhanced for Netscape 1.1 on one of the clouds.8. You are overcome with disbelief, anger, and finally depressed acceptance when you encounter a webpage with no links.7. You felt driven to consult the Cool Page of the Day on your wedding day.6. Youve never met your best friend5. You are driving on a dark and rainy night when you hydroplane on a puddle, sending your car careening towards the flimsy guardrail that separates you and the precipice of a rocky cliff and certain death, and you desperately look for the Back button.4. You visit The Really Big Button That Doesnt Do Anything again and again and again.3. Your dog has his own webpage.2. So does your hamster.1. When you read a magazine, you have an irresistible urge to click on the underlined passages.

A Mr. Dillon walks into a psychiatrists office with his wife. She tells him All he ever thinks about it sex, sex, sex, and Im tired of it!!! Weve been to 3 other doctors, and they couldnt help, so now its in your hands.

The wife leaves, and the doctor starts right in. The doctor tries to get him to talk about his childhood, but it he soon starts talking about
sex.

Next he tries to get Mr. Dillon to talk about his job, but once again, the talk turns to sex. The good doctor tries a variety of approaches:

Hobbies – Sex!

Sports – Sex!

Fishing – Sex!

Dreams – Sex!

He even tries the inkblot test, but to no avail. – Sex!

At this, the doctor believes he has hit on something – That every subject has been too general; So he decides to show him pictures of specific things.

First, he shows him a picture of a car. – Sex!

Next, a picture of a boat. – Sex!

A house. – Sex!

A tree. – Sex!

At this point, the doctor has had enough. He shouts: How can you think of sex when I show you a picture of a house!?! Or a tree!?! I can understand a car or a boat, But a house or a tree!?!?!

Mr Dillon looks at him and says: What are you yelling at me for, Doc – Youre the one with all the dirty pictures!!!

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? To get to the same side.

Why did the chicken cross the road? Issac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in motion tend to cross roads.

A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender, How much for a beer? The bartender looks at him, and says For you, no charge.

Two fermions walk into a bar. One orders a drink. The other says Ill have what hes having.

Two atoms bump into each other. One says I think I lost an electron! The other asks, Are you sure?, to which the first replies, Im positive.

Renee Descartes walks into a bar, the bartender says sir can I get you a martini Descartes says I dont think… and he disappears

Where does bad light end up? Answer: In a prism!

Heisenberg is out for a drive when hes stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says Do you know how fast you were going? Heisenberg says No, but I know where I am.

A man travelling by plane and in urgent need to use the mens room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the mens room door, it was OCCUPIED. The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside.

The buttons were marked WW, WA, PP and ATR. Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway.

He carefully pressed the first button marked WW and immediately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, WOW, the women really have it made!.

Still curious, he pressed the button marked WA and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world!

The button marked PP yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear.

Well, naturally he couldnt resist the last button marked ATR. When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse.

When she appeared, he cried out, What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!

The nurse replied, Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the ATR button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover… Your penis is under your pillow!