Old and New Jokes

Q: How many FORTRAN programs does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 1.00000000001

So this guy walks into a bar and says, “Gve me two beers.”

The bartender obliges him.

The guy looks into his wallet and says, “Give me two more beers.”

So the bartender gives him two more beers. The man went on like this until he had put down ten beers, and keeps on going in his wallet and asking for two more beers.

So the bartender asks, “Whats in your wallet that you keep looking at?”

So the man opens his wallet and says, “The more I drink, the prettier my wife gets.”

Grandpa and his grandson were sitting reading when she asked,

Did God make you, Grandpa?

Yes, God made me, the grandfather answered.

A few minutes later, the little boy asked him, Did God make me too?

Yes, He did, the older man answered.

For a few minutes, the little boy seemed to be studying his grandpa, as well as his own reflection in the mirror, while his grandfather wondered what was running through his mind. At last he spoke up.

You know, Grandpa, he said, Gods doing a lot better job lately.

Grabación de la contestadora del Instituto de Salud Mental

Gracias por llamar al Instituto de Salud Mental, su más sana compañía en sus momentos de mayor locura:

· Si usted es obsesivo-compulsivo, presione repetidamente el número 1.

· Si usted es co-dependiente, pídale a alguien que presione el número 2 por usted.

· Si usted tiene múltiples personalidades, presione el 3, 4, 5, y 6.

· Si usted es paranoico, nosotros ya sabemos quién es usted, sabemos lo que hace, y sabemos lo que quiere. Espere en la línea mientras rastreamos su llamada.

· Si usted sufre de alucinaciones, presione el 7 y su llamada será transferida al departamento de Elefantes Rosados.

· Si usted es esquizofrénico, escuche cuidadosamente, y una pequeña voz le dirá cuál número presionar.

· Si usted es depresivo, no importa cual número marque. Nadie le va a contestar.

· Si usted sufre de amnesia, presione 8 y diga en voz alta su nombre, dirección, teléfonos, cédula, fecha de nacimiento, estado civil y el apellido de soltera de su madre.

· Si usted sufre de estrés post-traumático, presione lentamente la tecla # hasta que alguien se apiade de usted.

· Si usted sufre de indecisión, deje su mensaje luego de escuchar el tono, o antes del tono, o después del tono, o durante el tono. En todo caso, espere el tono.

· Si sufre de pérdida de la memoria a corto plazo, presione 9. Si sufre de perdida de la memoria a corto plazo, presione 9. Si sufre de perdida de la memoria a corto plazo, presione 9. Si sufre de perdida de la memoria a corto plazo, presione 9.

· Si tiene la autoestima baja, por favor cuelgue. Todos nuestros operadores están ocupados atendiendo a personas más importantes que usted.

Its wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences. Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quicke-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preachers wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she look one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a deadfaint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

PS. Sure is hot down here

Be content with what youve got, but be sure youve got plenty.

Two cowboys came riding around a bend in the trail and saw an indian on
the ground. His head was tilted with his ear on the ground. When he saw
the cowboys he said, Three men, large wagon, four horses. One of the
cowboys asked in amazement, You can tell all that just by listening to the
ground?

No, said the indian, They ran over me…..

Mary Poppins has retired from her days as a nanny and currently resides in
Venice Beach, CA, where she predicts cases of bad breath for her clients.
Her sign outside her office reads: Super California Mystic, Expert:
Halitotsis

Clearly its not the life I had before, but I laugh just as much.
O.J. Simpson during his ESPN interview on Thursday (15 Jan. 1998)
Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
Mark Twain
So, does this prove once and for all that size does matter?
Golden Globe Award-winning director James Cameron (18 Jan. 1998), whose film Titanic is the most expensive in Hollywood history.
…Ive always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly underpolluted.
Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why toxic waste should be exported to Third World countries
We regret the incident but will not press charges…. [Bill] commented that one of the worst things about his whole thing was that the pie wasnt that tasty.
Erin Brewer, spokesman for Microsofts Belgian office, after company chief Bill Gates was struck squarely in the face with a pie upon arrival at a meeting Wednesday (4 Feb. 1998) with business and government leaders in Brussels. Notorious prankster Noel Godin, who has previously targeted such celebrities as French film maker Jean-Luc Godard and actress Brigitte Bardot, claimed responsibility. This was a victory for us. We will continue to send our burlesque messages, said Godin, adding, Our secret is our number. Theres about 30 of us and we operate in very small groups. Two were arrested but later released when Microsoft declined to press charges.
Im proud of my son. I think that spanking paid off, made a man out of him.
Vannie Maud Starr, mother of Whitewater independent counsel Kenneth Starr

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.

The biker pulled over and said, Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.

God said, It is disappointing that your request is so blatantly selfish and materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific… The concrete and steel it would take… It will nearly exhaust several of the planets natural resources. I can do it, of course, but it is hard for me to justify using so many of Earths much-needed resources for such a task. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me.

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, God, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what shes thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothings wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.

God replied, So, do you want two lanes or four on that bridge?