My advice if you
insist on slimming: Eat as much as you like-just dont swallow it.

~ Harry Secombe

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter.

Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man.

God got mad and said. You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, Learn from him! Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line?

The man said, I dont know. My wife told me to stand here.

Maria had just gotten married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin.

On her wedding night, staying at her mothers house, she was nervous.

But her mother reassured her. Dont worry, Maria. Tonys a good man. Go upstairs and hell take care of you.

So up she went.

When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and said, Mama, Mama, Tonys got a big hairy chest.

Dont worry, Maria, said her mother, all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. Hell take good care of you.

Up she went again.

When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs.

Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother, Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and hes got hairy legs!

Dont worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tonys a good man. Go up stairs and hell take good care of you.

Up she went again.

When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs.

Mama, Mama, Tonys got a foot and a half!

Stay here and stir the pasta, said her mother.

This is a job for Mama.

Esta Jesús en la Cruz. Mira a la derecha y chista:

Psst, vos, ladrón.

El ladrón lo mira receloso y pregunta:

¿Qué querés, Jesús?

Vení, vení, acercate.

Pero, Jesús, no ves que yo también estoy clavado.

Bueno, está bien.

Y se da vuelta y llama al otro ladrón. El ladrón lo mira y le pregunta qué pasa.

Vení, acercate un poco.

Pero, Jesús, no te das cuenta que no me puedo mover?

Entonces Jesús, ya enojado, les previene:

Bueno, se joden los dos. Salgo yo solo en la estampita.

Tres hombres, un catalán, un vasco y un madrileño, se perdieron en la selva y fueron capturados por unos caníbales.

El rey de los caníbales le dijo a los prisioneros que podían salvar sus vidas si lograban pasar una prueba que contenía dos partes: La primera parte de la prueba, era volver a la selva y conseguir diez unidades de una misma fruta. Entonces cada uno de los tres hombres tomó su camino a la selva para encontrar las frutas. El Vasco regresó y le dijo al rey:

Me llamo Patxi, yo traje 10 manzanas.

El rey le explicó la segunda parte de la prueba:

Ahora tienes que meterte por el recto cada una de las frutas. ¡Sin poner ninguna expresión en la cara, o te comemos!

La primera manzana entró, pero con la segunda, el vasco se retorció de dolor, por lo que inmediatamente lo mataron. El catalán llegó y le mostró al rey diez cerezas. Cuando el rey le explicó la segunda parte de la prueba, el hombre pensó que sería tarea muy fácil, entonces empezó:

1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6.. 7.. 8.. 9 y justo en la novena cereza, soltó una carcajada y lo mataron.

El vasco y el catalán se encontraron en el cielo, y el vasco le preguntó al otro:

Oye Pere, ¿y usted porque soltó la carcajada, si ya casi lo había logrado?

A lo que el catalán le contesta:

No pude evitarlo, es que vi al tontolava del madrileño, ¡llegando con PIÑAS!

Q, What is the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?

A. A genealogist looks up your family tree . . . A gynecologist looks up your family bush!

4 women enter an obsession class with their children to learn about and deal with their odsession.

the consuleor says to the first mom:

your obsessed with money, you named your daughter penny.

then the mom takes her kid and leaves

the consuleor says to the second mom:

your obsessed with food you named your daughter candy.

then the mom takes her kid and leaves

the consuleor says to the third mom:

your obsessed with alcohol. you named your kid brandy

then the mom takes her kid and leaves.

then the fourth mom whispers to her kid this is ridiculous, come on Dick were leaving.

Why are they called buildings, when theyre already finished? Shouldnt they be called builts?

Why are they called apartments, when theyre all stuck together?

Why do people without out a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is?

Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?

Why does sour cream have an expiration date?

A well-adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without getting nervous.

If at first you dont succeed, skydiving is not for you.