Old and New Jokes

When I was a church custodian, thene Pastor that was my boss, would have me help before, during and after weddings. He was an older Priest, but he was ahead of his time. He walked up & down the isles while preaching (years before it was an order) and he even had a shirt collar microphone 3years before any other Pastor!

Immediately after a wedding, the Bride & Groom would walk out of the church and stand outside, at the main doors of the church, and accept the well-wishes of the people who attended the wedding (ie a recieving line).

Meanwhile I would be in the church, quickly gathering up the white runner (from the center isle) and straightening up the Alter area & would put all the large and small Alter chairs back against the Alter walls, so they wedding party could return to the Alter for the Wedding photo shoot (after the attendees went to the Reception Hall).

Meanwhile my boss, The Pastor, would collect up the wedding items, Holy Water and etc., and take them to the Sacristy and put them away. Then he would remove his remote microphone from his Vestment collar, take off his Wedding ceremony Vestment and usually by the time the newlyweds were back having their pictures raken on the Alter, the Father and I would be putting the rest of the things away in the Sacristy while discussing the wedding & how it went and problems that arose and suggestions to improve weddings in the future. And too, sometimes he would comment to me how the Wedding Rehersal had gone the night before the weddings.

On this one wedding day, I went into the Sacristy to help Father finish up, but I noticed something while I was finishing up onthe Alter, so I needed to tell my Boss about it.

The Newlyweds, the Wedding Party and All the parents were on the Alter already and the photographer was just starting to position the Brides gown. But when I entered the room, my Boss – The Pastor was carrying on & talking to himself about how the Mother of ther Bride was so pushy, glad thats over and being thankful that the woman had no more daughters

When he saw me enter the Sacristy, he said Can you believe that last night at the wedding rehersal, the Brides Mother kept telling ME how to officiate the Wedding Ceremony?

I quickly told him that I needed to tell him something … but he kept on complaining about the woman … saying to me perhaps SHE should would have preferred marrying them herself (he was real peeved!)

Again I told him that I HAD to tell him something … but he continued complaining about the woman saying I hope she doesnt run those kids marriage like she tried to run my Wedding Mass!

I quickly closed the Sacristy doors and hollered FATHER I NEED TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

He turned and faced me. He looked me dead-in-the-eye. His face became beet red, and then he said slowly (and maybe too calmly) … What?

I now realized that he was now MORE angry with me, than he was with the Mother of the Bride!! But I decided to continue on and take my chances!

Again he said What is it Greg?

So I said Father – your microphone is still turned on!

Q: What would happen if Clinton took Viagra?

A: Hed get taller

Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.

For a long time, Mary had a fantasy of making love with an [ethnic] man.
One night, when she was in a bar, she met a handsome [ethnic] who appeared
to be well-hung, so she figured, what the hell, shed go for it. So Mary
asked
the fellow to come home with her.

When the two got to Marys apartment, Mary told the [ethnic] about her
fantasy,
and asked if he would be a part of it. Well, the [ethnic], of course,
agreed,
so the two headed for Marys bedroom. When they got there, Mary said, Ok,
first, I want you to undress me and tie me to the bed! So the [ethnic]
did
so. By this time, Mary was worked into a passionate frenzy. She looked up
at the [ethnic] and said, Now, big boy, do what you do best!

So the [ethnic] picked up her VCR and left.

Help support helpless victims of computer error.

While he was in New York on location for Bronco Billy (1980), Clint
Eastwood agreed to a television interview. His host, somewhat hostile,
began by defining a Clint Eastwood picture as a violent, ruthless,
lawless, and bloody piece of mayhem, and then asked Eastwood himself
to define a Clint Eastwood picture. To me, said Eastwood calmly,
what a Clint Eastwood picture is, is one that Im in.

Source: Hollywood Anecdotes by Paul F. Boller, Jr. and Ronald L. Davis.

I heard this from a friend:

Three guys are playing basketball at a local outside court and they pause to
take a break. (Just for the sake of three names Ill use Moe, Larry,
Curly)….

Moe: Man, I wish I had a million bucks, Id buy a car just like that
big Cadillac over there. What would you do if you had a
million bucks Larry?

Larry: If I had a million bucks Id buy a car just like that Porsche
sitting over there. What would you do if you had a million
bucks Curly?

Curly: Gee, I dont know…I guess Id have surgery to get thick
black hair all all over my body.

Moe: Why would you want black hair all over your body?

Curly: Well, my sister only has a patch about this big, and she owns
both those cars.

Dear God,
How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom smell one another? Where are their priorities?

Dear God,
When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

Dear God,
Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!

Dear God,
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God,
Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?

Dear God,
If we come back as humans, is that good or bad?

Dear God,
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God,
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

Dear God,
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God,
Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street!

Dear God,
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God,
Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we cant make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpets thing, again?

Dear God,
Can you undo what that doctor did … ?

A Cat Letter to God

Dear God,
Do you exist? Im just curious. I dont care.

An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the no haggle attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, maybe Ill just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!

The vendor said, By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing.

So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, those must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about. Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long gator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines.

Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures.

One of the Marines then exclaimed, Damn, this one doesnt have any shoes either!

A new mortuary in a tough mill town decided to advertise in an unorthodox fashion, and so draped a banner on the front of their building that read:

Our Staff will stuff your Stiff.

Not to be outdone, the madame across the street had her girls respond with a banner too:

Our Stuff will stiff your Staff.