Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

A hillbilly kid marries his childhood sweetheart. Their honeymoon was to take place in a hunting lodge located in a special area, which is only accessible by train. They get to the station where they wait for four hours. All of the waiting passengers are getting a little miffed.

The bride realizes that she needs to go to the little girls room, and upon returning, shes crying hysterically. Her husband asks her what was up.

After a lot of effort, she says, As I was waiting in line to use the bathroom, I overheard a couple of hunters say that if the train doesnt get here soon, the f***ing season will be over.

A woman wearing a real tight dress, and carrying a bunch of
packages tries to get on a bus. She cant get up the step so she
reaches behind and drops the zipper on her skirt a little, tries
again and still cant make it, so she drops her skirt zipper a bit
more, still no luck, she reaches back drops her skirt zipper a
bunch and the guy behind her gooses her, picks her up, carries
her on the bus, pays both fares, sets her down and kisses her
left breast. The woman slaps him, and the guy says, Honey after
you pulled my zipper down the third time, I figured we were
friends.

What is the difference between a street musician and a gynecologist?

A street musician is an organ grinder with a monkey.

A gynecologist monkeys with an organ grinder.

What did the little birdie say when he flew over Pic & Sav?
Cheap, cheap, cheap.

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford, and tells him, Well, youve been such a good guy, and your invention … the assembly line for the automobiles … changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want.

Ford thinks about it, and says, I want to hang out with God Himself.

So, the befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room, and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, When you invented woman, what were you thinking?

God asks, What do you mean?

Well, says Ford, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

Theres too much front end protrusion.
It chatters way too much at high speeds.
Maintenance is extremely high.
It constantly needs repainting and refinishing.
It is out of commission at least 5 or 6 of every 28 days.
The rear end wobbles too much.
The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
The headlights are usually too small.
Fuel consumption is outrageous.

Just to name a few.

Hmmmm…, replies God, hold on a minute. God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time the computer prints out a report and God reads it. God then turns to Ford and says, It may be that my invention is flawed, but, according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours.

You might be a redneck if your lifelong goal is to own a fireworks stand!

A husband leaves the house to go pick up dinner for he and his wife. Shortly after leaving, the doorbell rings.

It is her husbands best friend and she invites him in. Since she is in her bathrobe the man says to her you have the nicest breasts. She says thanks but my husband would be mad if he heard you.

He replies I would pay you $10 just to see one of them. She thinks for a minute and decides to do it.

He says Wow that is the most perfect breast I ever saw….I will give you another $10 if you show me both at the same time.

She does it, and he gives her the money. The friend leaves and her husband comes home. She says your best friend just stopped by. He answers Great did he leave the $20 he owed me

A bunch of Cardinals got together with the Pope and decided that they wanted to have a golf game against the other religions. The only problem was that none of the cardinals were very good golfers.

One Cardninal turned to the Pope and suggested, We could get Tiger Woods and ordane him as a Cardinal. He would ensure our victory.

Thats a great idea, said the Pope.

A few weeks later, the cardinals returned from their golf game and the Pope was anxiously awaiting the news of the match.

So, how did it go? asked the Pope.

One of the cardinals replied, Well, it went alright. We played pretty well, but we lost.

How could you lose? We had Tiger Woods as our secret weapon. gasped the Pope.

The cardinal shook his head and replied, Tiger lost to Rabbi Greg Norman!