Old and New Jokes

What does Bill say to Hillary after sex?

Ill be home in twenty minutes.

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

On Christmas Eve Santa Claus was getting ready for his annual trip.

As he pulled his favorite pair of red pants on, they ripped. So, he had to take them off and put on another pair, which was a bit too tight. He then went to check on the rest of the preparations.

The elves were on strike. The reindeer had shin-splints. At this point, Santa was BUMMED.

He went into the kitchen to take a calming drink, and the bottle was EMPTY. Now he was really mad. All of sudden, there was a knock at the door.

Santa, in his angry state, ignored it. There was another knock. Santa was in no mood for all of this. When the knock came again, Santa –filled with rage– threw open the door.

Standing there was a little angel who said, Hi Santa! What do you want me to do with this Christmas Tree? Hence…the story of the Angel atop the tree.

Banta singh was telling his friend,yesterday my wife and i had a terrible quarrle.i wanted to go to the club& she wanted to go to the movies. Which film did u c ???asked his friend.

A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date. Mommy, the little girl asks, how old are you?
The mother looks over at the little girl, Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, it isnt polite. the mother warns.
Ok, the little girl says, How much do you weigh?
Now really, the mother says, these are personal questions and are really none of your business.
Undaunted, the little girl asks, Why did you and daddy get a divorce?
That is enough questions, honestly! The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
My Mom wouldnt tell me anything, the little girl says to her friend.
Well, said the friend, all you need to do is look at her drivers license.
It is like a report card, it has everything on it.
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, I know how old you are, you are 32.
The mother is surprised and asks, How did you find that out?
I also know that you weigh 140 pounds. The mother is past surprise and shock now.
How in heavens name did you find that out?
The little girl continues on triumphantly, And… I know why you and daddy got divorce.
Oh really?, the mother asks, Why is that?
To which the girl replies, Because you got an F in sex.

You might be a redneck if…
The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.

A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating? The man replies, All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious…Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything — meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything. Well, says the dentist, thats probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. Its eaten away your upper plate. Ill make you a new plate, and this time use chrome. Why chrome? asks the patient, to which the dentist replies, Its simple. Everyone knows that theres no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!

A man is having problems with his dick which certainly had seen better times…

He consults a doctor which, after a couple of tests, says, Sorry, but youve overdone it the last 30 years, your dick is burned out; you wont be able to make love more than 30 times!

The man walks home (deeply depressed); his wife is already expecting him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said. He tells her what the doc told him.

She says: Oh my god, only 30 times! We should not waste that; we should make a list!

He replies, Yes, Ii already made a list on the way home; sorry but your name is not on it!

The Nutquacker!

The other day I saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance followed by a thunderous prayer meeting,so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and how good He is… and I didnt notice that the light had changed.It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadnt honked, Id never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, For the love of GOD! GO, GO!! Jesus Christ, GO!! What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach…I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage son what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, Ive never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My son burst out laughing…why even HE was enjoying this religious experience! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed, so I waved one more time to my loving brothers and sisters, grinning, and drove on through the intersection.I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them all after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one more time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks.