Old and New Jokes

A: To cover up the valve stem.

There one was a heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked. One day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a small ad that read:

Lose weight: Only $1.00 a pound

Call (202) 555-0238

The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the other end asked, How much weight do you want to lose?

The man responded, Ten pounds.

The voice replied, Very well, give me your credit card number and well have a representative over to your house in the morning.

About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redhead, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, If you catch me, you can have me.

Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he was through enjoying himself, she said, Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself.

He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!

That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, How much weight do you want to lose?

To which the somewhat-less-overweight man replied, Twenty pounds.

Very well, the voice on the phone told him, Give me your credit card number and well have a representative over to your house in the morning.

At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating, If you catch me, you can have me.

The chase took a good while longer this time and the man nearly passed out, but he finally did catch her. When he was through she told him, Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself.

He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds! This is fantastic! he thought to himself.

Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked, How much weight do you want to lose?

Fifty pounds! the man exclaimed.

Fifty pounds? the voice asked, Thats an awful lot of weight to lose at one time.

The man replied, Listen buddy, heres my credit card number, you just have your representative over here in the morning! and he hung up the phone.

About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed, splashes on some cologne and gets all ready for the next representative. At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door, he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating, If I catch you, I am going to have you.

Put four large marshmallows in a plastic bag and, on a plain sheet of white paper, draw a snowman. Underneath, write Frosty told me you were bad this year so all you get is snowman poop!

Fold the paper twice and, with a paper clip, attach it to the top of the plastic bag. Give it as a present to any of your favorite persons.

Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: It cant be done. They only know how to twist things to the right.

Your mamas teeth are so messed up….i thought her tongue was in jail!

Morris was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge.

He turned to his wife Sherry, with a look of question on his face. Ill never understand why the biggest schmucks get the most attractive wives.



His wife replies, Why thank you, dear!

You might be a Republican if…..1. Youre a pro-lifer but support the death penalty.2. Youve ever referred to the moral fiber of something.3. Youve ever uttered the phrase Why dont we just
bomb the sons of bitches?4. Youve ever called a secretary or waitress Honey.5. You dont think The Simpsons is all that funny, but
you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.6. You dont let your kids watch Sesame Street because
you accuse Bert and Ernie of sexual deviance.7. You use any of these terms to describe your wife: Old ball and chain, little woman, old lady, tax credit.8. You scream Dit-dit-ditto while making love.9. Youve argued that art has a moral foundation set in Western values.10. You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.11. You argue that you need 300 handguns in case a bear
ever attacks your home.12. Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.13. You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of
the end of racism in America.14. Youve ever said Clean air? Looks clean to me.15. Youve ever referred to Anita Hill as that lying
bitch while attending a Bob Packwood fund-raiser.16. Youve ever called education a luxury.17. You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.18. You own a vehicle with an Ollie North: American
Hero sticker.19. Youre afraid of the liberal media.20. You ever based an argument on the phrase, Well,
tradition dictates …21. Youve ever called the National Endowment for the
Arts a bunch of pornographers.22. You think all artists are gay.23. You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesnt want to contribute to society.
You might be a Democrat if…..Virtually anyone can be a Democrat. Just simply quit thinking and vote that way. But if you want to be a GOOD Democrat, there are some prerequisites you must

A friend of mine had no life insurance, but he did have plenty of fire insurance. His widow, practical woman that she was, had him cremated.

Yet another friend was just the opposite. He almost busted the family budget with his many life insurance policies. In fact, every time he left the house, his wife would stand in the door, wave, and say, Take chances!

My insurance company reduced my rates again for not having any vehicle accidents. As my agent presented the award, he wanted to know the secret of driving for so many years accident free. I told him, Easy, I read a long time ago that 4 out of every 10 accidents are alcohol related. I always drink before I drive to have the odds in my favor.

Damn fool wanted to cancel my policy on the spot.

One of the benefits allowed Maryland State Highway employees when they retire is group life insurance.

I signed up for the maximum. Now, if I die in a group, Mrs JimJr will be one rich lil lady.

When one of the neighbors boys got married, I told him it was time to start thinking about some life insurance.

He said, Nah, Mr. Jim. I dont think Bonnies that dangerous.

In retrospect, I guess I should have gone with the Allstate Insurance Company. All of their TV commercials show them giving people a hand. All my insurance company has ever given me was the finger.

What is Socialism?

The Poles say its the longest and most painful
of the roads to capitalism.

[quoted by Michael Novak in Forbes]

Once a cruise ship carrying people from all the nations was going on a round the world tour when it got grounded. The ship became slow and finally came to a grinding halt.

The Captain of the ship called an emergency meeting and told the passengers, Friends, we are in trouble. The Gods are angry with us. We need to give a sacrifice and I need Three people to sacrifice their lives so that rest of us can be saved.

All of them moved towards the Deck where a Japanese came forward and shouted, Long live Japan, and jumped into the Sea. Then an Israeli Jew stepped forward and said, Hallelujah and dived into the sea. After that no one came forward for few seconds while people stared at each other.

Suddenly out of nowhere a Sardarji came forward near the railing and chanted, Jo bole-so-nihal, sat sri akaal, wahe Guruji da khalsa, wahe guruji di fateh, Jai maa Kali, Jai maa Durga, Jai Hanuman, Jai Sri Ram, Jai siva-sankar, Jai baba nanak di, Jai jawan jai kissan, and finally yelled at the top of his voice, Bharat mata ki jai, and kicked the Pakistani standing next to him in the sea.