The other day I saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance followed by a thunderous prayer meeting,so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and how good He is… and I didnt notice that the light had changed.It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadnt honked, Id never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, For the love of GOD! GO, GO!! Jesus Christ, GO!! What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach…I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage son what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, Ive never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My son burst out laughing…why even HE was enjoying this religious experience! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed, so I waved one more time to my loving brothers and sisters, grinning, and drove on through the intersection.I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them all after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one more time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks.

A: To cover up the valve stem.

There one was a heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked. One day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a small ad that read:

Lose weight: Only $1.00 a pound

Call (202) 555-0238

The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the other end asked, How much weight do you want to lose?

The man responded, Ten pounds.

The voice replied, Very well, give me your credit card number and well have a representative over to your house in the morning.

About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redhead, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, If you catch me, you can have me.

Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he was through enjoying himself, she said, Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself.

He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!

That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, How much weight do you want to lose?

To which the somewhat-less-overweight man replied, Twenty pounds.

Very well, the voice on the phone told him, Give me your credit card number and well have a representative over to your house in the morning.

At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating, If you catch me, you can have me.

The chase took a good while longer this time and the man nearly passed out, but he finally did catch her. When he was through she told him, Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself.

He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds! This is fantastic! he thought to himself.

Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked, How much weight do you want to lose?

Fifty pounds! the man exclaimed.

Fifty pounds? the voice asked, Thats an awful lot of weight to lose at one time.

The man replied, Listen buddy, heres my credit card number, you just have your representative over here in the morning! and he hung up the phone.

About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed, splashes on some cologne and gets all ready for the next representative. At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door, he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating, If I catch you, I am going to have you.

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, Ive got to take you in, pal. Youre obviously drunk.Our wasted friend asked, Officer, are ya absolutely sure Im drunk?Yeah, buddy, Im sure, said the copper. Lets go.Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled.

Put four large marshmallows in a plastic bag and, on a plain sheet of white paper, draw a snowman. Underneath, write Frosty told me you were bad this year so all you get is snowman poop!

Fold the paper twice and, with a paper clip, attach it to the top of the plastic bag. Give it as a present to any of your favorite persons.

Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: It cant be done. They only know how to twist things to the right.

Kudzu is green, my dogs name is Blue And Im so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk, a-flapping in the breeze. Softer than Blues and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass, which excite me in May. You aint got no scales, but I luv you anyway.

Youre as graceful as okry, jist a-dancin in the pan. Yore as fragrant as SunDrop right out of the can.

You have all yore teeth, for which I am proud; I hold my head high when were in a crowd.

On special occasions, when you shave yore armpits, Well, Im in hawg heaven, Im plumb outta my wits.

And speakin of wits, youve got plenty fer shore. Cuz you married me back in 74.

Still them fellers at work they all want to know, What I did to deserve such a purty, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape, yore there fer yore man, To patch up lifes troubles and stick em in the can.

Yore as strong as a four-wheeler racin through the mud, Yet fragile as that sanger named Naomi Judd.

Yore as cute as a junebug a-buzzin overhead. You aint mean like no far ant upon which I oft tread.

Cut from the best pattern like a flannel shirt of plaid, You sparked up my life like a Rattletrap shad.

When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack, My life is complete; Aint nuttin I lack.

Yore complexion, its perfection, like the best vinyl sidin. Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin.

And when you get old like a 57 Chevy, Wont put you on blocks and let grass grow up heavy.

Me n yous like a Moon Pie, with a RC cold drank, We go together like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentines Day; They git it at Wal-Mart; Its romantic that way.

Some men git roses on that special day, From the cooler at Kroger.

Thats impressive, I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth.

Diamonds are forever, they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey, these will not do. For you are too special, you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift, without taste nor odour, Better than diamonds, its a new trollin motor.

Una pareja está haciendo el amor descosidamente sobre la cama. De pronto, el hombre le pide a la mujer:

¡Hazme el pino delante del espejo!

La tipa, extrañada, le hace caso: se pone mirando al espejo y le hace el pino con las piernas abiertas.

Entonces, el fulano se le acerca y coloca su rostro encima del coño y le pregunta:

¿Me queda bien la perilla?

Your mamas teeth are so messed up….i thought her tongue was in jail!

Morris was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge.

He turned to his wife Sherry, with a look of question on his face. Ill never understand why the biggest schmucks get the most attractive wives.



His wife replies, Why thank you, dear!