how do you diciplie a blind kid?…………………..

You move the furniture around.

A Tallahassee area mortician had a new apprentice who was learning the
embalming ropes. He walked into the embalming room where a cadaver was
lying on the table.

Thinking he knew enough now to begin the procedure without his boss,
he began examining the body. He rolled it over and to his amazement
there was a cork in its ass. Mystified, he pulled it out, and
immediately heard, the Florida State Chop song come out the guys butt.

Startled by what had happened, he shoved the cork back into the
cadaver and ran up the stairs to find his mentor. Sir, youve got to
come down and help me, Ive just seen something I cant believe.

Annoyed by the naivet of his assistant, he said OK and followed him
downstairs. There, look at the cork in the ass of that body, I
couldnt imagine what it was doing there so I pulled it out. Please
you do it.

The mortician was a bit surprised to see the cork, too, so he walked
to the table and removed the cork. Then the Florida State Chop song
started playing.

Exasperated, he replaced the cork in its appointed position, turned to
his assistant and said: Whats so surprising about that. Ive heard
thousands of assholes sing that song.

Many people have noticed that Tolkiens novel The Lord of the
Rings bears an uncanny resemblance to the game of Dungeons and
Dragons, in that it contains elves, dwarves, orcs and so forth.
Clearly Tolkien was much influenced by D&D, and a recently
unearthed recording, probably made by MI5, shows him playing
Dungeons and Dragons on the floor of his rooms in Merton College,
Oxford, one evening, with C.S. Lewis, Charles Williams, and
various other luminaries.

Here is part of the transcript of the recording, which all will
agree is of great historical interest.

C.S. Lewis: Well, Tom, its really good of you to come along and
act as Dungeon Master for the evening. Havent enjoyed myself so
much since I played in G.K. Chestertons dungeon and slew Father
Brown.

T.S. Eliot (for it is he): Thanks. Anyway, is Father Aslan going
to go and explore the Waste Land further yet, or will he have
another drink?

Lewis: That depends on the rest of the party. Radagast?

Tolkien: Yes, I want to go and see Madame Sosostris the
clairvoyante and see what she has to say.

(Murmurs of assent from Dorothy L. Sayers, Charles Williams,
Bertrand Russell (visiting), etc. etc.)

Eliot: O.K. Radagast I want you to roll a D20 at this stage to
see what happens as you walk across the Waste Land.

[LOUD BANGING ON THE DOOR.]

Tolkien: Who is it?

Voice outside: Iss only me, Professor Tolkien. Juss poor Smeagol.
Hes brought his essay for the nice Mr Professor.

[Tolkien goes over to open the door, doing his best to block the
view of the dice, counters and miniature monsters on the floor.
Meanwhile the rest of the party hurriedly leap into chairs and
pretend to be having a deep discussion.]

Lewis: Yes but we all remember what St Paul says about the
Numinous in his Epistle to the Confusions…

Tolkien: Well, Smeagol, where this essay? Cant you see Im busy
discussing the Numinous?

Smeagol: Dont be hard on poor Smeagol, he couldnt find his
precious elvish dictionary. That nasty Baggins had borrowed it.
Oooh, whats that on the floor?

Tolkien: Er, nothing. My son must have left his toys there.

Smeagol: Can Smeagol be an orc?

Bertrand Russell: Certainly not. We dont want any orcs. Ive
come over specially to play White Head the dwarf.

Lewis: You mean, to argue the non-existence of God, dont you?

Russell: Er, yes. Sorry.

Tolkien: Off you go boy and hand your essay in on time in future.
[Door slams]. Now, my character Radagast threw a 12. What happens
to him?

We have a tree in our yard, terribly bothered by blight.

We sought professional help and had a tree surgeon come to look at it. In his assessment, he noted that the blight was bad, but he was even more concerned with the deep cracks in the bark.

In fact, he said, This trees bark is worse than its blight!

PESCARA, Italy — Two senior citizens paid out more than $367,000 for uranium to feed an extraterrestrial doctor they had been told would cure their ailments.

Police said three tricksters persuaded the women that the alien, called Sagyr, could cure them provided he was given uranium for nourishment.

Having failed to spot any improvement in their infirmity, they decided to call police. The trio was jailed Friday by a court in this central Italian city. A judged ordered a sentence of 30 months in prison and a fine.

Copyright 1997 Houston Chronicle News Services

A Sardar took an answering machine home and fixed it home somewhere in Rajasthan,but two days later disconnected it because he was getting complaints like Saala phone utha ke bolta hai ghar pe nahin hai ( he picks up the receiver and then says he is not at home )

10. Drunkenberry Punch9. Strawberry Escargo8. Tastes Like Teen Spirit7. Toxic Yellow Surprise6. Roadkill Red5. Rocka-fishy Tuna4. Chocolate Fudge Ripple3. Picklejuice2. Shrimp Cocktail1. Sea Monkeys!

Access Denied

This guy calls in to complain that he gets an Access Denied message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his user name and password in capital letters.

Tech Support: OK, lets try once more, but use lower case letters.

Customer: Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard.

No Carrier

Customer: Hello? Im trying to dial in. I installed the software okay, and it dialed fine. I could hear that. Then I could hear the two computers connecting. But then the sound all stopped, so I picked up the phone to see if they were still connected, and I got the message, No Carrier, on my screen. Whats wrong?

[Ed: Forwarded from misc.misc by Jamie Walsh.]

(From the Winchendon Observer, 19 December 1988)

12 Year Old Guinness Record Holder Dead

(AP) December 18, 1988 – Streetly, England – Mario Morby, a 12 year old
record holder in the Guinness Book of World Records, was killed yesterday
when he asphyxiated under the weight of hundreds of thousands of postcards
that accidentally toppled on him. Morby, a cancer patient currently
in remission, collected the postcards from supporters all over the world
who took sympathy on his condition. The bulk of Morbys collection,
estimated at over 2 million with 30,000 arriving daily, was turned over
to an auction house for disposal. Morby had retained about 500,000 of
the nicer ones.

Florida Childs Wish Come True, Inc. publicized Marios
wish for postcards. Had we realized the trouble that we caused,
we would have never gotten involved, said Frances Keefe, the founder of
the Spring Hill, Florida organization that specializes in satisfying the
last wishes of dying children. They used the pseudonym David when
requesting postcards on Morbys behalf. It makes us heartsick, Keefe
continued, to realize that we have contributed to this gentle childs
death. He was in remission, and his spirits were up. Those postcards
were his life.

Morbys body was discovered by the family dog, who notified
the district constable. Foul play is not suspected.

Ross McWhirter, author of the Guinness Book of World Records, said in
a prepared statement that it is ironic that Morbys record has been
overshadowed by that of another boy named David who is dying of
leukemia. In tribute to Morby, however, we have decided to enter him
in a new category in the mid-year 1989 update edition:
Most Senseless Death.

Contributions in Morbys memory may be made to Florida Childs Wish
Come True, Inc., P.O. Box 5997, Spring Hill, FL, USA.

Little Johnny s next door neighbors had a baby.

Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears.

When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnnys family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnnys parents were very afraid that their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby so the dad had a long talk with little Johnny before going to the neighbors.

He said Now, son… that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears or I am really going to spank you when we get back home.

I promise not to mention his ears at all said Little Johnny.

At the neighbors home, Little Johnny leaned over in the crib and touched the babys hand He looked at its mother and said Oh What a Beautiful little baby. The mother said Thank you very much, Little Johnny.

He then said, this baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why… just look at his pretty little eyes…. Did his doctor say that he can see good?

The Mother said why, yes Johnny… his doctor said he has 20/20 vision.

Little Johnny said well, its a darn good thing, cause he sure couldnt wear glasses!!!