The wife says: Do you like this recipe?
The wife means: You better get used to it

The wife says: All were going to buy is a soap dish
The wife means: Im coming back with enough to fill this place.

The wife says: Was that the baby?
The wife means: Get out of bed and walk him

MICROSOFT Bids to Acquire Catholic Church

By Hank Vorjes

VATICAN CITY (AP) — In a joint press conference in St. Peters Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion.

With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined companys new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.

We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years, said Gates.

The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people.

Through the MICROSOFT Network, the companys new on-line service, we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates.

You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution — even reduce your time in Purgatory — all without leaving your home.

A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your computer.

An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peters Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello — in character as Father Guido Sarducci — hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide.

Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats, the crowd roared, but the pontiffs smile seemed strained.

The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the Vaticans prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors access to these key intellectual properties.

The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures, said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia.

You take the parting of the Red Sea — we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene.

But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage.

The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience, notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Churchs market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind.

Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it. Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Churchs mission is to reach the four corners of the earth, echoing MICROSOFTs vision of a computer on every desktop and in every home.

Gates described MICROSOFTs long-term strategy to develop a scalable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired — One religion, a couple of different implementations, said Gates.

The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive religious market.

Los presidentes de México, Rusia y Estados Unidos: Zedillo, Yeltsin y Clinton, respectivamente, están cenando en París; el mesonero francés pregunta:

¿Le aperitive?

Oui, oui, le responden todos.

El tabernero va con Zedillo:

¿Le tequile?

Oui.

Después se dirige a Yeltsin:

¿Le vodke?

Oui.

Finalmente, se acerca a Clinton:

¿Le whisky?

¿Otra vez jodiendo con el temita?

Un marica, cansado ya de su estilo de vida, fue a consultar un médico con la esperanza de que lo ayudara a cambiar su preferencia sexual.

Pase. Adelante, señor Bonilla, indica el médico. ¿Conque usted quiere dejar de ser homosexual? Ha venido al sitio indicado, pues precisamente yo he conseguido desarrollar una terapia para que las personas como usted solucionen su situación.

Entusiasmado, el marica se pone en manos del galeno para que éste le practique dicha terapia. El médico le pide que se desnude y que se ponga en cuatro patas. En esa posición, comienza a pasar su dedo por el borde del ano del playo mientras dice:

Por la orilla, por la orilla, y se cura el señor Bonilla…

Como a los diez minutos exclama el maricón:

¡Ay, doctor, por el medio, por el medio, que Bonilla no tiene remedio!

Pepito faltó dos días a las clases. Cuando por fin aparece en el aula, la maestra le cuestiona:

Pepito, ¿por qué faltaste a clases?

Lo que pasa, seño, es que mi mamá lavó mis pantaloncillos y tuve que esperar a que se secaran. Por eso no podía salir de la casa.

Está bien, pero ¿qué pasó al día siguiente?

Al siguiente día, seño, yo venía a la escuela, pero pasando al lado de su casa vi que en el patio estaban secándose los pantis de usted. Pensé que usted no había ido a la escuela y volví a casa.

A computer programmer, bored with his job, decided to start his own business. Wanting to do something totally different from his current occupation, he bought a mating pair of rheas and a large tract of land.

His rhea farm was soon doing a booming business as there appeared to be a great demand for the birds. Not being satisfied with just selling the birds, the rhea farmer started researching how the birds were being used. He found that all parts of the birds were being utilized, except the feathers. Nobody wanted the plainly colored rhea feathers.

The ex-programmer, now rhea farmer, purchased some equipment, technical people, and chemicals, and was soon selling fancy, colored rhea feathers. The resulting sales were amazing and made the new feather merchant very happy. There was one small problem. The workers making the colored feathers were becoming quite ill. The concerned young man called in a number of doctors to determine the nature of the illness.

It was discovered that without exception, the workers had developed a severe case of … dye a rhea.

Q: What do blondes say after sex?

A1: Thanks, Guys!
A2: Are you boys all in the same band?
A3: Do you guys all play for the same team?
A4: Who were all those guys?

Because in a public school, the secret service would be out gunned.

A distinguished-looking man entered a Geneva bank and inquired
about taking out a loan for 1000 Swiss francs.

What security can you offer? the banker asked.

My Rolls-Royce is parked out front, he said. I will be away
for a few weeks. Here are the keys.

A month later, the man returned to the bank and paid off the loan,
1017 francs with interest.

Pardon me for asking, the banker said, but why a one-thousand
franc loan for a man of your obvious means?

Very simple, he replied. Where else can you store a Rolls for
a month for seventeen francs?

A man is running along and falls off a cliff – I dont know why he falls
off a cliff, he just does, OK?

As hes falling he manages to grab onto a tree about 15 feet down,
growing out from the side of the cliff. Now hes hanging there and he
looks down and sees this 200 feet drop below him, but he knows hes
only 15 feet from the top of cliff. Looking up he cries out for help,
Is there anybody up there?

Much to his surprise he is heard. A voice replies which can only be
that of the lord (the reverb has been turned up and theres too much
bass), Let… go…

The man looks down at the 200 feet drop, and then looking up once
more, cries out, Is there anybody else up there?