The Pope and God were conversing the other day, and the Pope said, Hey God, Ive got good news and Ive got bad news.

God replied, Well I have always liked good news before bad so …

The Pope responded, Well we finally have been able to unite all the known religions on Earth under one name.

God says, Well that is just great, I have been trying for six thousand years, and you did it in less than two thousand. Now what is the bad news?

We have to relocate the Vatican to Salt Lake City.

Q-What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?

A-How are we suposed to find an egg in all of this shit?

Andy:- Please note the GCSEs are public exams taken by 13 year olds in UK



This is an indication of the wonderful future that awaits the UK…. the level of answers in GCSE exams!



This is a compilation of actual student GCSE answers…



1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics.They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.



2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible,Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children,Cain, asked, Am I my brothers son?



3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.



4. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.



5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldnt have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.



6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.



7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.



8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.



9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.



10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: Tee hee, Brutus.



11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.



12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.



13. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.



14. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his sons head.



15. Queen Elizabeth was the Virgin Queen. As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted hurrah.



16. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.



17. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies,comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeos last wish was to be laid by Juliet.



18. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.



19. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.



20. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrims Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.



21. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, A horse divided against itself cannot stand.. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.



22. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.



23. Abraham Lincoln became Americas greatest Precedent. Lincolns mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booths career.



24. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.



25. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.



26. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.



27. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.



28. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldnt have any children.



29. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is In the East and the sun sets in the West.



30. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.



31. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of river to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.



32. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.



33. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Gabor!
Gabor who!
Gaborn to shop!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Kipper!
Kipper who?
Kipper hands to yourself!

How do you get an [ethnic] down from a tree?

– You cut the rope.

Because at 69 they blow a rod…

Morris comes home to find his wife, Sadie, crying. I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that youve been having an affair with that chippie secretary in your office. Why would you do that to me? Havent I always been the good wife? Ive cooked for you, raised your children, and Ive always been by your side for thirty-five years. What havent I done to make you happy?

Embarrassed, Morris confesses, Its true, Sadie, youve been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You dont moan when we have sex!

If I moaned when we had sex, youd stop running around? All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I, too, can moan during sex!

So they retire to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb beneath the sheets.

As they begin to kiss, Sadie asks, Now, Morris, should I moan now?

No, not yet.

Morris begins fondling Sadie. What about now? Should I moan now? No, Ill tell you when, he says.

He climbs on top of Sophie and begins to have intercourse.

Is it time for me to moan, Morris?

Wait, Ill tell you when.

Moments later, in the heat of passion, seconds before reaching climax, Morris yells, Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!

OY! You wouldnt believe what a day I had!

(From: JIM DAMICO DTN: 261-3257)

Forms for NH and MA

Application for Permission to Live in New Hampshire

NAME:

ETHNIC INFORMATION: (voluntary)
White ( )

TYPE OF CARS OWNED:
Pickup Truck ( )
You dont own any Foreign cars, do you? NO ( )

CAR EQUIPMENT:
Gun Rack ( ) Stash ( ) CB ( ) Beer Holder ( )
Playboy air freshener ( )

BUMPER STICKERS:
Ex-wife in trunk ( )
If Guns are Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Have Guns ( )
Bush/Quayle ( )
Shit Happens ( )
If you dont like my driving, get off the sidewalk ( )

SEXUAL ORIENTATION: Heterosexual ( )

FAVORITE CAUSE: NRA ( ) Pro-life ( )

Total given to these causes in the last 12 months:

FAVORITE DRUGS:
Grass ( )

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING SHOULD BE BANNED?:
(check all that apply)
Democrats ( ) Welfare ( ) N.O.W. ( )

FAVORITE BEER:
Miller ( ) Michelob ( ) Bud ( )

FAVORITE POLITICIAN:
Dont Care ( )

CLUB MEMBERSHIPS:
NRA ( )

How Automatic Weapons do you own?

5 ( ) 10 ( ) More than that ( )

FAVORITE TV SHOW: Benny Hill ( )

Application for Permission to Live in Massachusetts

NAME:
(extra space left due to new social awareness)

ETHNIC INFORMATION: (voluntary)
Eskimo ( ) American Indian ( ) Hispanic ( ) Asian ( )
African-American ( ) American-African ( ) Black-American ( )
Other Group With A Long History Of Oppression By White Males ( )
(specify, so we can help you form a political action group)

TYPE OF CARS OWNED (pick two):
SAAB ( ) Volvo ( ) BMW ( ) Mercedes ( ) Honda ( )

You dont own any American cars, do you? NO ( )

CAR EQUIPMENT:
Blaupunkt ( ) Passport ( ) Escort ( ) Vuarnet Sunglasses ( )
Stash ( ) CD ( ) Cellular Phone ( ) Ski Rack ( )
Bicycle Rack ( ) Wine Rack ( )

BUMPER STICKERS:
You cant hug a child with nuclear arms ( ) Greenpeace ( )
Dukakis/Bentsen ( ) Save the Whales ( ) Farms not Arms ( )

SEXUAL ORIENTATION: Gay ( ) Lesbian ( ) Other ( )
(note: failure to give the proper answer to the above means you cant
live in certain towns on the Cape, or get elected to Congress)

FAVORITE CAUSE: Whales ( ) Baby Seals ( ) Snail Darter ( )
Total given to these causes in the last 12 months:

FAVORITE DRUGS:
Crack ( ) Coke ( ) Grass ( ) Kittys Diet Plan ( )

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING SHOULD BE BANNED?:
(check all that apply)
The Bomb ( ) Handguns ( ) All guns ( ) Nuclear Power ( )
Cigarettes ( ) The NRA ( ) Republicans ( )

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING SHOULD BE LEGALIZED?:
(check all that apply)
Crack ( ) Coke ( ) Grass ( ) Needles ( )
Flag Burning ( )

FAVORITE BEER:
Samuel Adams ( ) Becks ( ) Corona(w/lime) ( )
Latest trendy brand ( )

FAVORITE POLITICIAN:
Ted Kennedy ( ) John Kennedy ( ) Bobby Kennedy ( )
Joe Kennedy ( )

CLUB MEMBERSHIPS:
ACLU ( ) Greenpeace ( ) SDS ( ) N.O.W. ( ) A.F.S.C.M.E ( )
Billy Bulger Breakfast Club ( ) Provincetown Boys Club ( )
Bull-dykes Kennel Club ( )

Even though we cant ever get any more power from Hydro-Quebec, dont
you think that Seabrook should remain closed forever? YES ( )

Dont you think that the people in the Midwest should stop dropping acid
rain on our vacation homes in Vermont, even if it means that they all lose
their jobs? YES ( )

How many watts (per channel, RMS) is your principal home stereo?
100W ( ) 200W ( ) More than that ( )

How many air conditioners do you have to help you through our long New
England summers?: 2 ( ) 3 ( ) 4 ( ) Central Air ( )
(note: Fewer than two A/C units may qualify you for state
subsidies if you are a non-white unemployed Democrat)

FAVORITE TV SHOW: Thirtysomething ( )

Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with truth.

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyles Law or some
variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they
do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving
into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume
that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave.

Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, lets look at the
different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state
that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there
are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one
religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell. With birth
and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to
increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyles Law states that in
order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of
the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.

Case 1: If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell
breaks loose.

Case 2: If hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Theresa Banyan during
my freshman year, it will be a cold night in hell before I sleep with you and
take into account the fact that I still have NOT succeeded in having sexual
relations with her, then case 2 cannot be true.

Thus, hell is exothermic.