A Christian man had just died and was on his way to heaven. When he got to the gates of heaven he met an angel. The angel asked him what Gods name was.

Oh thats easy, the man replied, His name is Andy.

What make you think his name is Andy? the angel asked incredulously.

Well, you see at Church we used to sing this song Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me.

Wedding Jokes

How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive wayto get your laundry done for free.

The most effective way to remember your wifesbirthday is to forget it once.

Getting married is very much like going to arestaurant with friends. You order what you want,then when you see what the other fellow has, you wishyou had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another,Arent you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
The other replied, Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

A little boy asked his father, Daddy, how much doesit cost to get married?
The father replied, I dont know son, Im still paying.

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africaa man doesnt know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

Then there was a man who said, I never knew what real happinesswas until I got married; and then it was too late.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, You know, Iwas a fool when I married you.
The husband replied, Yes, dear, but I was in love and didntnotice.

A man inserted an ad in the classifieds:Wife wanted.
Next day he received a hundred letters. Theyall said the same thing: You can have mine.

When a man steals your wife, there is no betterrevenge than to let him keep her. -Sacha Guitry

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. Therest cheat in Europe. – Jackie Mason

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly Eastern city and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges and traffic jams. Thinking it would make the trip more bearable, he invited several coworkers to share the ride. However, the commute actually got more stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels. He consulted the company doctor.

Doc, the frustrated commuter complained, Im fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week. But now, when I get in the tunnels with those four other guys crowded into the car, I get anxious and dizzy, and I feel like Im going to explode.

Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had diagnosed the ailment.

What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?

No, no, no, my boy. You have something that is becoming more and more common.

Tell me! What is it?

You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. Why dont you put your money where your mouth is, he said. I will bet a weeks wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you wont be able to wheel back.

Youre on, old man, the braggart replied. Lets see what you got.

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, All right. Get in.

What do you call a Polish baby doctor?

A dope pusher.

Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?

A: A wind tunnel.

10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, wait ten minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You dont have to compliment the person who gave you some…
6. Person giving you some, doesnt fantasize youre someone else.
5. If you get a stomach ache, it wont last for nine months.
4. If you wear your Batman mask, no one will think youre weird.
3. Doesnt matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. No guilt the next morning.
And, the #1 reason trick or treating is better than sex….
1. If you dont get what you want, you can always go next door.

What do you call a fly in a blondes brain? A space invader!

One day a man took the train from Paris to Frankfurt. When he got on the train, he went straight to the ticket-man and said, Sir. I really need you to do me a favor, I have to get off this train in Mannheim, but Im very tired and Im sure that I will fall asleep. So what I want you to do is to wake me up in Mannheim because I have to close a business deal there and it is very important for me. Here are 100 francs for the favor.

He continued by saying, But I warn you, sometimes when people wake me up I get really violent; but no matter what I do or say you got to get me off this train in Mannheim. Is that clear?

So the ticket-man agreed and took the 100 francs. Later the man fell asleep … and when he woke up he realized that he was in Frankfurt!

He was so mad at the ticket-man that he ran over and started yelling: Are you STUPID or something? I paid you 100 francs to wake me up and get me off at Mannheim. And you didnt! I want my money back!

While the man was yelling, two other guys who were also on the train were looking at them.

One looked at the other and said Jeez, that guy is really pissed off!

The other replied, Yeah. Hes almost as mad as the guy they made get off the train at Mannheim last night.

My grade in ____ should be raised from _____ to ____ because:1. There must be a mistake somewhere.2. I was not well at the time of the examination.3. My mind always goes blank during an examination.4. This mark ruined my prospect of getting a scholarship.5. This is the only course in which I received a poor grade6. This mark grieved my mother (or Father) whose pride I am.7. Conditions in the room were not conductive to concentration.8. The examination was unfair and unfairly distributed over the subject9. I have to work after school and nights; therefore I should be given a break.10. I am married; therefore, I should be given a break.11. I would have done much better if I had taken the examination give to one of the other sections.12. Several people around me copied from my paper during the examination yet they received higher marks than I did. Surely this is not fair.13. The reason I did not do better is because I am very honest. I do no wish to say anything against any other members of the class.14. I know many of the class members who do not work as hard as I do an who got a better grade. I am recognized among my classmates as a good student – you just ask any one of them.15. The question were ambiguous, and therefore, my answers should be graded according to the reasonable interpretations that I made of your questions.16. Many of the questions could not be answered with straight facts; they were matters of opinion. I do not believe I should be penalize just because my opinions differ from those of the instructor.17. I have studied this subject from the broad philosophical viewpoint and therefore, I was unable to answer your technical-based question18. I am philosophically oriented to the realm of ideas; I respond to the sweep and scope of great intellects. My work is beyond the interest in petty details and parrot-like memorizing of those who are merely students19. At the time of the exa