Old and New Jokes

A very well-dressed and successful yuppie executive left his office one fine day and there on the sidewalk next to his Porsche was a strangely shaped lamp.

“Maybe a genie will appear if I rub it!” said the yuppie to himself, with a laugh. He rubbed it and sure enough a ten-foot tall genie appeared.

“YOU are a genie?” said the yuppie in surprise.

“Why sure!” said the genie with a grin, as he spat out a stream of tobacco juice. “Now what are yer three wishes, Bub?”

“Well, my name is Andrew, not BUB!” The dapper and confident yuppie smiled and said: “I just landed a million dollar deal; my Porsche and my condo are paid off and my beautiful secretary is going to marry me! I have everything I want! No wishes for me.”

“Sorry, you gotta wish! It’s REQUIRED!” said the genie. “And remember, whatever you wish, ya have to live with! You can’t change anything!”

“Oh, alright!” said the yuppie smugly. “I wish that I will always wear the best clothes, drive the best car and have the best job in the world!”

“Ain’t ya gonna gimme some more details?” said the genie in a confused voice.

“Well, YOU can figure it out!” said the dignified, well-groomed executive with a pompous grin. He straightened his necktie and suit and flicked a speck of dust from his shoes.

“OK! Yer wishes are granted!” said the genie.

The yuppie felt a strange feeling in his feet and looked down: his highly polished $500 Brooks Brothers shoes and silk socks had disappeared; he was now barefoot. Then his $150 silk necktie, matching braces and pocket square, Rolex and cufflinks dissolved before his eyes. Then his blue pinstriped Armani business suit and starched white shirt began to change, finally morphing into a pair of dirty overalls.

“WHAT IS HAPPENING?!” he yelled. “STOP! STOP!”

“Nope!” grinned the genie. “Cain’t stop!”

Then the stunned yuppie saw his Porsche morph into a broken down pickup truck. A moment later, a garbage truck pulled up. As he did, his executive leather briefcase turned into a lunch bucket.

“Get in!” yelled the garbage man who was driving. “Time to get to work!”

“WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?!” roared the former yuppie, who noticed that his thick head of hair had vanished and he now wore a scraggly beard. “Where are my clothes?! I was wearing a two thousand dollar suit! Where is my car! My SHOES! You’ve stripped me of EVERYTHING! And what is that GARBAGEMAN talking about?!”

“That’s yer new job! YOU are a garbage man now – best job there is!” said the genie happily. “And yer gonna have to go barefoot for the rest of yer life now – remember! And yer always gonna drive a pickup truck! No more fancy suits and ties or shiny shoes! Ain’t that great!! You live in a trailer now, and yer married to a waitress named Flo! It’s the best life I know!!”

“Barefoot for the rest of my life! All of my suits gone! A WAITRESS! A TRAILER!” The former well-dressed yuppie yelled as the garbageman dragged him into the truck to start his new life.

The genie shook his head. “You sure ain’t grateful! Next time, don’t ask for wishes from a genie named Bubba!”

Three guys were talking in the local bar. The manager was so sure that its bouncer was the strongest man around that it offered a standing $1,000 bet that no could beat him.

The challenge was that the landlord would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.

Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters, karate masters, and all had failed. Then one day this geeky little fella with heavy black rimmed glasses came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.

After the laughter had subsided the landlord said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing. Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar!

Everyone looked on in amazement as the landlord handed over the prize and asked What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what? No the man replied, I work for the IRS.

Send This Joke

Q: How do you get a one-armed man out of a tree?

A: wave at him.

Your master bathroom has the words porta and potty written on the side.

You cant take a bath in the winter cause the stream is frozen.

You only bathe when it rains.

Hey Hillary! Shut-up and redecorate!

1. The best vitamin for a Christian is B1.

2. Under same management for over 2,000 years.

3. Soul food served here.

4. Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk.

5. You can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving.

6. Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!

7. Dont wait for the hearse to take you to church.

8. We should be more concerned with the Rock Of Ages, instead of the age of rock.

9. Dont give up. Moses was once a basket case!

10. Come early for a good seat in the back.

11. Life has many choices! Eternity has two. Whats yours?

12. Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due.

13. A mans character is like a fence. It cannot be strengthened by whitewash.

14. K-mart isnt the only saving place!

15. Preach the gospel at all times … Use words only if necessary.

16. Delay is preferable to error.

17. Its hard to stumble when youre on your knees.

18. What part of THOU SHALT NOT dont you understand?

19. A clear conscience makes a soft pillow.

20. The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday!

21. Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive.

22. Cant sleep? Try counting your blessings.

23. Forbidden fruit creates many jams.

24. May is Gods apology for February.

25. To belittle is to be little.

26. Dont let the littleness in others bring out the littleness in you.

27. God answers knee mail.

28. Try Jesus. If you dont like Him, the devil will always take you back.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Cher!
Cher who?
Cher and share alike!

23. If it takes a shovel to find the floor of your room

Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldnt wake up the sleeping pills.

Someone who solves a problem you didnt know you had in a way you dont
understand.