Whats a lesbian dinosaur? A lickalotofpuss !

Whats a gay dinosaur? A lickdicknopuss !

You might be a redneck if…
Youve ever shot a deer from inside your house.

Excerpted from Masquerade: The Amazing Camouflage Deceptions of World War II, Seymour Reit (Signet, 1980):

Another enemy decoy, built in occupied Holland, led to a tale that has been told and retold ever since by veteran Allied pilots.

The German airfield, constructed with meticulous care, was made almost entirely of wood.

There were wooden hangars, oil tanks, gun emplacements, trucks, and aircraft.

The day finally came when the decoy was finished, down to the last wooden plank. And early the following morning, a lone RAF plane crossed the Channel, came in low, circled the field once, and dropped a large wooden bomb.

A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked –

Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?

Aghast, the man said, are you NUTS?, thats robbery!

The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again –

Sir, since you are a bit irate, Ill sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00?

Again, the man replies bluntly – you must be crazy pal, now go away!

The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy –

Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much.

Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guys spits it out and says:

HEY, he snarled, this brownie tastes like crap!!!

It is, replied the salesman. Wanna buy some mouthwash?

An Irishman, an Englishman and aScotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender handsthem over, three flies buzz down and land in each of the pints. The Englishman looksdisgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint. The Scotsman picks outthe fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow. The Irishman reaches into the glass,pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, yabastard! Spit it out!"

Surprise Settlement Evenly Splits Microsoft; One Firm To Make Software, Other To Make Patches

Decision Keeps Redmond from Monopolizing Massive Microsoft Patch Industry

Redmond, Wash. (SatireWire.com) — In a surprise settlement today with nine U.S. states, Microsoft agreed to be split into two independent companies — one that will continue to make Microsoft operating systems, browsers, and server software, and another, potentially larger company that will make patches for Microsoft operating systems, browsers, and server software.

Critics immediately charged that the settlement — which overrides a previous agreement with the U.S. Department of Justice — does nothing to diminish Microsofts standing as the worlds most powerful software company. But industry analysts argued that providing patches for security holes in Microsoft programs is a major, untapped growth industry, and applauded the states for not allowing Redmond to control it.

Just consider, Microsoft can make an operating system, such as Windows XP, and sell 200 million copies, but each one of those copies is going to need at least five patches to fix security holes, so thats 1 billion patches, said Gartner Group analyst Mitch Fershing. That is an enormous, undeveloped market.

Microsoft employees seem to agree, as sources in Redmond described a mad scramble among staffers to position themselves for spots at the new company, called Patchsoft. Asked why people would want to leave Microsoft for a startup, the source said the answer was really quite simple.

Everyone here is asking themselves, Do I want to be part of the problem, or part of the solution? he said.

But J.P. Morgan analyst Sherill Walk suspects another motive. Considering the sheer number of patches were talking about, I think the new company will become another monopoly, and I believe the people whove jumped ship very well know that.

Nonsense. Its really all about consumer choice, responded Patchsofts new co-CEOs, Bill Gates and Steve Ballmer.

But how will Patchsoft make money? Currently, Microsoft issues free patches for problems in Windows XP, SQL Server, Internet Explorer, Outlook, Windows 2000, Flight Simulator, Front Page, Windows Me, Media Player, Passport, NT Server, Windows 98, LAN Manager (for a complete list of MS software needing patches, see www.support.microsoft.com). Under the agreement, Microsoft will no longer issue patches, which Gates said explains the recent five-day outage at Microsofts upgrade site. That was planned, he said. It was a test of the Microsoft No Patch Access system. Went perfectly. No one was able to download anything.

At a press conference to outline the settlement, Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal pledged to keep a close eye on Patchsoft to ensure it would not overcharge for its services. He also expressed hope that other firms would soon become Certified Microsoft Patch Developers (CMPDs) and challenge the spin-off. Asked if Patchsoft, with so many former Microsoft employees, will have an advantage over potential competitors in the Microsoft patch market, Blumenthal said the settlement prohibits collaboration.

Patchsoft developers will not have any foreknowledge of bugs or security holes before software is released. Theyll just have to be surprised, he said.

So it will be just like it was when they were at Microsoft, he added.

One Reuters reporter, meanwhile, questioned the long-term viability of Patchsoft. This seems like a logical split right now, but what if Microsofts products improve to the extent that patches are needed less frequently, or perhaps not at all? she asked.

Im sorry, I can only respond to serious questions, Blumenthal answered.

Copyright © 1999-2002, SatireWire.

You use the term over yonder more than once a month.

Birds are attracted to your beard.

The diploma hanging in your den contains the words Trucking Institute.

Is unusually loyal: Wanted by no-one else.

Judgement is usually sound: Lucky.

Keen sense of humor: Knows lots of dirty jokes.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change it and 2 to keep interrupting by standing up and shouting Objection !

Padre e hija se dirigen a la escuela; de pronto, la niña pregunta:

Papá, ¿qué le pasa a ese caballo?

El padre mira hacia el caballo y al percatarse que el caballo tiene una erección, le dice a su hija:

No mires a ese caballo porque está enfermo.

Al día siguiente:

Papá, el caballo sigue enfermo.

Si, hija, no lo mires que todavía está enfermo.

Al tercer día, la niña es llevada a la escuela por su madre.

Mamá, no mires ese caballo porque está enfermo.

La madre, curiosa, mira el caballo y le pregunta a la hija:

¿Quién te dijo que ese caballo estaba enfermo?

Papá me lo dijo.

¡Ay, hija, ya quisiera tu padre tener la mitad de la salud que tiene ese caballo!