The new American ambassador was being entertained by an African diplomat.
They had spent the day discussing the progress the country had made with
the Russians before kicking them out. They built us a power plant, an
airport, and taught us how to drink vodka and play Russian roulette.

The ambassador looked pained and said, Russian roulette is a dangerous game.

Right, thats why we invented African roulette, would you like to play?

Im not sure, how does it work? The African clapped his hands and six
gorgeous black women, all nude, came wiggling in, the diplomat explained,

Choose the one you want to give you oral sex.

Thats a lot better and less risky than Russian routlette…

Not when one of them is a cannibal.

Bill Kennedy …{rutgers,ihnp4!killer}!ssbn!bill or bill@ssbn.WLK.COM

A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom. He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her. Afterward, as he hurried downstairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee.Howd you get down her so fast? he asked. We were just making love! Oh my God, his wife gasped, Thats my mother up there! She came over early and had complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile.Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. Mother, I cant believe this happened. Why didnt you say something? The mother-in-law huffed, I havent spoken to that jerk for fifteen years, and I wasnt about to start now!

There were these two vampires talking. One says to the other, I heard on TV that wine is good for the health. The other one said, Well, lets go to Italy, the Italians drink wine.
So they go to Italy, stand on the bridge and wait. A woman walks by. They vampires kill her, drink her blood and throw the body over the bridge. A few minutes later, a man walks by. They kill him, drink his blood and throw his body over the bridge. Then another man comes along, and they kill him too.
Just as they were about to throw the body over the bridge, they hear a voice singing. The two vampires look down to see an alligator under the bridge singing, Drained wops keep falling on my head.

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow Id be a little bull.

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!

The kid smiles and says, I would be a bus driver!

10) They told me at the blood bank this might happen. 9) This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to. 8) Whew! Guess I left the top off the Wite-Out. You probably got here just in time! 7) I wasnt sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm. 6) I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance. 5) I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stess. Do you discriminate toward people who practice Yoga? 4) Dang! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem. 3) The coffee machine is broken… 2) Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot… 1) …..in Jesus name, Amen.

Two retired professors were vacationing with their wives at a hotel in the Catskills. They were sitting on the veranda one summer evening, watching the sunset.

The history professor asked the psychology professor, Have you read Marx?

The professor of psychology replied, Yes. I think its these pesky wicker chairs.

The Mother Superior in the convent school was chatting with her young charges and she asked them what they wanted to be when they grew up. A twelve-year-old said, I want to be a prostitute.The Mother Superior fainted dead away on the spot. When they revived her, she raised her head from the ground and gasped, What did you say?The young girl shrugged. I said I want to be a prostitute.A prostitute! the Mother Superior said, Oh, praise sweet Jesus! And I thought you said you wanted to be a Protestant!

There were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church and looked to be perfect Christians.

Then, their pastor retired and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers.

A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.

I have only one condition, he said. At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint.

The pastor gave his word and deposited the check.

The next day at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. He was an evil man, he said. He cheated on his wife and abused his family. After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with, But, compared to his brother, he was a saint.

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. Hes got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, "Whats in the bags?""Sand," answered Juan.The guard says, "Well just see about that get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.

He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the mans shoulders, and lets him cross the border.A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?""Sand," says Juan.The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesnt show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico."Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. Its driving me crazy. Its all I think about….. I cant sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?" Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek.

I assume, she snarled, that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six oclock in the morning?

There is, he replied, breakfast.