Old and New Jokes

Whales are mammals. Mammals have hair. SHAVE THE WHALES!

If athletes get athletes foot, astronauts get missile toe.

A bird dog could be called a point setter.

James Fenimore Cooper wrote about the life of Santa Claus in his novel The Deer Sleigher.

Whats the difference between a one-winged angel and a two-winged angel? Its a matter of a pinion!

Its a matter of my opinion that Yule love the game were about to play. In each sentence below, fill in the blank or blanks with an expression commonly used at Christmastide. Answers repose at the end of this column.

1. On December 24, Adams wife was known as _____ _____.

2. In Charles Dickenss A Christmas Carol, Scrooge was visited by the ghost of _____ _____.

3. An opinion survey in Alaska is called a _____ _____.

4. What does Santa Claus do with his three gardens? _____, _____, _____

5. What Christmas message is conveyed by these letters?: ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ. _____, _____

6. When the salt and the pepper say Hi! to each other, they are passing on _____ _____.

7. A holy man bereft of change could be called _____ _____.

8. When you cross a sheep with a cicada, you get a _____ _____.

9. A quiet medieval armor-wearer is a _____ _____.

10. A cat walking on the desert is bound to get _____ _____.

11. People who tell jokes on December 25 might be called _____ _____.

12. An airplane disaster in Israel is a _____.

13. Actor OConnor and actress Channing are known on December 25 as _____ _____.

14. What do Spanish sheep says when they wish each other a Merry Christmas? _____ _____.

Meretricious to all! And dont forget that Theres No Plate Like Chrome for the Hollandaise.

Answers

1. Christmas Eve

2. Christmas Present

3. North Poll

4. Hoe, hoe, hoe.

5. Noel,(no L)

6. seasons greetings.

7. St. Nickleless.

8. Bah! (or Baa!) Humbug!

9. silent knight

10. sandy claws

11. Christmas cards

12. cresh

13. Christmas Carols

14. Fleece Navidad!

Little Johnny arrived home from school crying his eyes out. His mother asked,What happened Johnny?Stevie called me a sissy! he replied.So what did you do about it?I hit him with my purse!

A black, a hispanic and a WASP were walking along the beach when they saw a bottle sticking out of the sand.

All three grabbed it at once and a genie came out of the bottle and said, Because of your mutual participation, I will grant each of you one wish … what would you like to have?

The black man indicated he wished everyone of his race would return to Africa and live in mutual peace and harmony.

Your wish is granted, said the Genie.

The hispanic man said he wished everyone of his race would return to Cuba and Mexico and live in mutual peace and harmony.

You wish is granted, the Genie said.

What would you like to have? the Genie asked the WASP.

Ill take a Bud Lite, he replied.

I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision.Ive suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. She started going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask which girls it is always Just some friends from work, you dont know them.I always look out for her ride coming home but she always walks from aroud the corner, I can usually hear a car driving off as she walks towards our house. If it really is a friend why not just get dropped off in front? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went beserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again, and why was I checking up on her.Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didnt want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her. I followed her in my eclipse awd turbo race car. My race car has no decals…Then when the car came to park… I parked too… I jumped out of my car and hid behind my car. I looked at my tires and realized My Bridgestone S03s are pretty ugly….What tires do you guys recommend I should change to?

A group of guys are on their way to a party, but couldnt quite remember the address to the house. Im sure this is the one, said the driver. Well, I have got to go to the bathroom SO BAD. Replied one of the others, Ill go knock on the door, and check. If its the wrong house, at least Ill get to a toilet!

So he gets out and walks to the front door. He rings it once….No answer. He rings it again…..Still no answer. So, he thinks, This is a big house, big party, maybe the party is outside, in the backyard. So he walks around the house to the back, there was no one out there either. As he aproached the back door, he was suprized to find it unlocked, and opened. There was obviously no one home, so he figured hed just quietly run inside real quick, and use there bathroom, no one would know. So, he goes inside but he cant find the bathroom anywhere. So, he quickly ran up the stairs and searched, and searched, till finally as he opened a door to a small room, he was amazed to find a GOLDEN TOILET. He had never seen anything like it, but remembering that he was in a strangers house, and that they could at anytime return home, he quickly did his business and walked out. As he got in the car he excitedly told his friends of the AMAZING GOLDEN TOILET. They laughed in disbelief at his crazy tale. They pulled out of the driveway, arguing about it. They argued the whole way to the party.

A couple of hours later, on the way home from the party. They drive past the house with the GOLDEN TOILET. And they guy insists on stopping so he could prove to his friends the these people really did have a GOLDEN TOILET. So, they agree to check it out. So they all walk up to the front door and ring the door bell. And a woman answers the door. Excuse me maam, but could you please let me show my friends here your GOLDEN TOILET, they dont believe me! So YOURE the guy! The woman replies, then yells to her husband in the house, HONEY!?!…HERES THE GUY THAT POOPED IN YOUR TUBA!

Se abren de par en par las puertas de una cantina y sale precipitadamente un vaquero que, dando un gran salto, cae sentado en medio de la calle.

¿Qué le pasa, amigo?, le interroga un transeúnte, ¿lo echaron de la cantina, o es que está loco?

Ni lo uno ni lo otro, responde el cowboy, pero si averiguo quién fue el gracioso que me quitó el caballo de aquí, lo mato.

Una noche, un pequeño avión estaba volando sobre Nueva Jersey con cinco pasajeros a bordo: el piloto, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, el Dalai Lama y un hippie. De repente, algo explotó con fuerza en el compartimento de equipaje, y el avión empezó a llenarse de humo; la puerta de la cabina se abre y sale el piloto:

Caballeros, tengo buenas y malas noticias. Las malas noticias son que nos vamos a estrellar en Nueva Jersey. Las buenas son que hay cuatro paracaídas… ¡y yo tengo uno de ellos! El piloto abrió la puerta y saltó.

Michael Jordan se puso de pie en un instante:

Señores, yo soy el mejor atleta del mundo. El mundo necesita tener grandes atletas. Creo que el más grande atleta del mundo merece tener un paracaídas. Dicho esto, tomó uno de los paracaídas restantes y saltó.

Bill Gates se puso de pie y dijo:

Caballeros, yo soy el hombre más inteligente del mundo. El mundo necesita hombres inteligentes. Creo que el hombre m{as inteligente del mundo debe tener también un paracaídas. Tomó uno y saltó.

El Dalai Lama y el hippie se miraron el uno al otro. Finalmente el Dalai Lama habló:

Hermano, he tenido una vida satisfactoria y he conocido la felicidad que da la iluminación divina. Tú tienes toda la vida por delante. Coge el paracaídas, yo caeré con el avión.

El hippie sonrió lentamente y dijo:

No te preocupes, calvito. ¡El hombre más inteligente del mundo acaba de saltar con mi mochila.

Two blonde builders were working on a house. One blonde was on a ladder nailing. Shed reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, look at it, and either toss it over her shoulder or proceed to nail it into the wood.



The other blonde couldnt stand it any longer and yelled up, Why are you throwing some of the nails away?



The first blonde explained, When I pull it out of my nail pouch, if its pointed toward me I throw it away. If its pointed toward the house, then I can use it!



The second blonde explained, Dont throw away those nails that are pointed toward you! Theyre for the other side of the house!!

No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service ( Bras and Panties optional)